Is my wife mentally unstable or just insecure?

I have been married for 13 years and we are blessed with four children. We had a smooth marriage, apart from an incident when she was two months pregnant with our first child. She wanted to get an abortion but I talked her out of it. After that, all went well until three years ago when she suddenly changed.

She has become extremely violent and constantly whines about her lack of enough education. I enrolled her on a college but she quit after two weeks claiming it was too much for her. She is always accusing me of having affairs with more educated women.

These accusations are baseless. She has full access to my phone because I have nothing to hide. I work from home mostly but whenever I need to go for a meeting, she becomes so insecure to the extent of calling the people I am going to meet which is embarrassing. 

I try as much as I can to keep her comfortable but apparently, she doesn't see it. Due to her lack of proper education, she can't find a decent job. I tried opening a business for her twice and she ran it down. I involve her in all my plans and finances. Like when I get the money we plan together. I have also given her a 30% shareholding in my company but shows zero interest in the business. 

We have visited a professional counsellor several times and she promises to change the but after some time, the behaviour starts again.

I spend a lot of the time with our children, especially when she has to run errands. We have a special bond with my kids and I can't picture myself waking up without them.

After the tantrums, she apologises and feels so remorseful. I love her, so I am always quick to forgive and put the issues behind us. Besides, I don’t want my children to be raised in a broken family.

 Our house, which I built, is registered under her name because I wanted to affirm her position in this family. Could she be having mental issues? If so, what should I do? Help me save my family.

Hi

Thirteen years of marriage with most of it going smoothly, and with the blessing of four children is worth celebrating. That said, I am cognizant of the challenges that have cropped up as the two of you have related. 

It is commendable for you to have stood by your values, and encouraged your spouse not to abort. My caution is for you to ensure that her attempted abortion did not affect her emotionally.

Ensuring that the two of you take pride in who your children are becoming is one way of healing the marriage from past negative events. 

It is clear that the issues you now face became noticeable in the last three years. This makes one doubt if the marriage actually was truly blissful in the first decade. If not, could the unshared behind the scene challenges have explored at some point? What triggered it?

Investigating this is key if you want a cohesive family. However, most families don’t employ intelligent thought in the way they relate. For example, emotional baggage and stresses can accumulate and burst the bubble of short-lived relationship intimacy.

This could explain her sudden change in behaviour that quickly turns to violence. Most times, such turnarounds around don’t just happen. They are a pointer to a deeper problem.

Smokescreens

First, her stagnation in education and career prospects is something to look into carefully. I commend you for your efforts to send her to college, giving her a business opportunity, and allocate shares to her. Although well intended, why have all these efforts failed? Is it her inability or that it points to a search for something that comes from deep within?

Read: Should I dump this man who has been cheating on me?

In fact, one could have thought that she would have grabbed one of these opportunities. However, I am of the opinion that her current complaints and actions are just a smoke screen. As such, I would encourage you to interrogate your discussion with the counsellor and check if there is something you could have missed out.

The fact that she blames you for having a relationship with an educated woman and yet she has access to your phone also exposes her vulnerabilities. However, if indeed you are an open book, then let the way you live boldly testify about your faith in her and the relationship.

Of course, it is odd for her to call your business partners with the aim of checking on the validity of your whereabouts. If not curated, her actions could end up being a big problem. I suggest, other than being firm, make it a point of letting her into your social sphere with the aim of removing any suspicions. The implications of her calling your business partners could be costly.

All you have done, like trying to get her a job, starting a business, and getting shares for her in your company seem to be producing no fruit. It is apparent that her issue is not in the above. However, I am not sure if you have discussed with her deeply why you are doing some of these things like giving her shares in your company. What you should avoid is to appear to look for ways to appease her rather than seek to discover the root problem of her actions.

Although I am glad that both of you took time to visit a counsellor, I am left with these observations: If this visit really helped her, to what extent did this make a change in her behaviour? If negative habits were later noticed, why did you not get a follow-up visit? Remember, marriages don’t heal in a day! Whether things worked after the visit or not, a follow-up visit would have helped clarify more issues.

Second, retracing your steps towards intimacy demands responsibility from both sides. For example, putting an action plan in place after you came from the counsellor’s clinic was paramount. Generally, developing a work plan after such a visit could have helped you put together a clear game plan—like, what are our next steps, what is not working that needs to be addressed?

Read: My man is generous but oh, so insecure

What I find strange is the way you easily let things go without questioning. For example, for her to throw temper tantrums, apologise and somehow things are okay sounds like one aiding a crime.

Regardless, your commitment to see the marriage work is commendable. Of course, It appears like these efforts of making her happy have not yielded the desired fruit. 

They have not been enough to heal the growing rift between the two of you. 

Read: I want her back, what should I do?

That is why her current behaviour leaves one wondering what her next step would be.

If your desire is to seek healing, I suggest that you: first, use the wisdom from the counsellor to see if there are gaps that need addressing. Apologies without concrete steps towards change do not help your relationship. Demand behaviour that is consistent with your commitments. Second, be careful that the violence she shows does not spill to the children.

Finally, since your desire is that children grow up in a stable home, I would suggest a second visit to a counsellor. This time, the two of you must commit to certain responsible acts of restoration. If she refuses to walk on this path, then it will be clear that her intentions are not best for the relationship. Your children need a stable environment at home and a clear plan for the future.

 If her actions and participation are not dependable, then be the pillar and support your children will need now and in the future. I will give caution: I have responded a lot to accusations you have made about her. Just ensure that you are not partly to blame for contributing to the way she acts.

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