I want her back, what should I do?

Dear Kitoto,

I am 29. Two years ago, I fell in love with a woman five years my senior. She has a seven-year-old daughter with whom I have a good relationship.

Our intimacy with the woman started after a long period of being close friends. Unfortunately, we work for the same organisation, although in different departments. The pressure on us at work has been intense since everyone knows we were an item.

In June last year, I got myself into a situation that really compromised her trust in me, but with time I healed the wound that I had created in her heart. However, since then, she constantly doubts me.

In March this year, we planned a visit to my home so that I could introduce her to my family as we planned a future together. However, the planned visit coincided with an event at work, which she was required to attend, so she couldn’t make it.

I asked her if we could reschedule it and she agreed, but she has really changed since then and is currently not talking to me.

She says I have been taking her for granted, and that I don’t acknowledge her. This is despite the fact that I am always proud to introduce her to everyone and never shy away from telling them who she is to me.

One of my supervisors seems very so close to her and tells her things that I suspect might be hurting this relationship.

Once, he told her that I had refused to go for a certain training when he hadn’t even discussed it with me. When I confronted him about it, he denied having told her about it, although he later asked her why she had told me about it.

She got mad at me and accused me of betraying her by revealing an issue she had told me in confidence. After the supposed betrayal, she said she could not continue with the relationship.

I still love her, but is this relationship worth fighting for? We have had no other issues and were, in fact, the envy of the people around.

Wlcy

Hi Wlcy,

The chances of constant conflict in a relationship where both partners work in the same organisation are quite high. I strongly suspect that her reason for backing out of the relationship has more to do with job security than whether or not she wants to be with you.

It is natural for anyone to feel betrayed if what they said in private ends up in the ears of a supervisor. I guess to her, it boils down to a choice between which is easier to give up: her job because of a strained relationship with the boss, or you?

But then again, it might just be that she feels manipulated as a result of the supervisor knowing that she leaked the information. He could have done it purposely to manipulate her after the information got to you.

There is also the earlier situation you referred to that caused her to doubt you. How well was that issue resolved?

Women have a way of keeping such things at the back of their mind, only for them to resurface if another wrong is committed that triggers the memory of the first incident. As a result, you must resolve issues slowly but thoroughly.

That said, I believe that couples working for the same employer should learn to leave their emotional lives outside the office and treat each other with civility as colleagues. Carrying information from the employer to your spouse behind their back might just be seen as disloyalty.

Also, overly defending each other, or even seeming to police each other, could isolate you from the rest of the team.

There are other obvious acts; spending too much time with another person of the opposite sex, whether because of work or socialising, can make one’s partner feel vulnerable.

Therefore, where two people who are dating work for the same boss, keeping everything professional is paramount. At home, have frank discussions, giving the necessary assurances and rebuking, where necessary, to avoid making such complaints public.

So, is the relationship worth fighting for? Your guess is as good as mine. What we value, we treasure, and are willing to sacrifice for.