Please help: My boyfriend wants me to have an abortion

Dear Kitoto,

I’ve been dating my co-worker for about six months now. He is 28 years old and I am 26. I recently found out that I’m pregnant. However, my boyfriend did not take the news well. He claimed that now is not a good time to have a baby as he is not ready to be a father. He advised me to get an abortion.

Since I broke the news of my pregnancy, this man has changed. Sometimes he sends me very mean text messages accusing me of ‘ruining his life’ with my pregnancy.

I haven’t got the courage to share the news of my pregnancy with my family. My parents are very strict and do not entertain the idea of having children outside wedlock.

In a nutshell, I have zero support if I decide to carry this pregnancy. My boyfriend wants nothing to do with it; my family will not approve. I know abortion is wrong, but at this point, it feels like the only way out. I feel frustrated. Please help.

Hi,

I would like to start with two stories: one story of a 38-year-old woman who came for counselling in my office way back in 2009.

She came after having two abortions early in her teen and young adult life. This action started her on a mission of self-destruction.

She added that her life utterly went downhill as a result. That act, she said, haunted and affected her relationship with her husband even when the husband has assured her of forgiveness and love each time she had shared.

How could something that had happened so early in her life before marriage continue to haunt her after all this time.

At times she found herself under depression the very month the last baby would have been born. This would affect how she responded to her husband. “At times, I would cry out, 'I killed my child,"' she said.

As I sat there I looked through her tears and saw a woman under severe guilt and condemnation, although I assured her that the fact that she made bad choices does make her a bad person.

NAGGING OLD WOUNDS

Although no one knew of the two abortions till she shared with the husband, for a long time in her teens and young adult life, she judged herself and saw herself as a horrible person.

Another story is of a 45-year-old professional who had an abortion in her early 20s.

She had gone on to get married later to the same man and now blessed with two children in their teens.

She said during a session with other couples: “Before I had an abortion, I was happy and outgoing. But I’ve struggled with depressive thoughts that I never shared with anyone ever since.

“It came to pass that whenever I have any issue with my husband, my mind went back to that abortion. Although my husband was nice to me, many years of unhappiness passed and the pain of what happened never left until we went for therapy.”

What am I saying here? Although the issue of abortion has drawn both proponents and those who are against it, none seems to major on the story of the silent victims of abortion.

In my counselling career, I’ve found many with an inner unending silent cry — where they blame self and live with regret.

ACTION, CONSEQUENCES

As for you and your boyfriend, the question you are asking is real. First, having a clear understanding of what abortion is and the effects it leaves behind on the victim will help you walk wisely.

Your conviction seems to take you one way while the pressure you feel seems to point you another way.

It appears like you believe that this action of abortion in itself is wrong. Despite the causes that lead one to abort, one cannot hide the emotional pain and distraught they go through.

It’s clear that this action deeply affected these two ladies for a long time. As I look at your e-mail, there are certain issues I would like us to address.

First, from my experience in counselling, it appears like most women seem to suffer the emotional and physical pain that comes with an abortion.

Because of this, a good number of abortion cases among teens, and at times young adults, have been pushed by men.

Second, since this pregnancy was not planned for, it has stressed both of you. Every action has consequences.

INNER CONVICTION

I believe here is where you have to come to your senses and know that two wrongs or mistakes don’t make a right.

I would urge you to first and foremost acknowledge the mess you have found yourself in. This is the first and basic step to rewriting your history.

Having an abortion will neither heal or take away the guilt you currently feel.

Third, the fact that your boyfriend’s reaction to the news of the pregnancy reveals where his priorities are. He is selfish and seems to not care about how you feel.

My guess is that it’s possible that you may abort and he will still leave you. The big question here is whether your desire to abort is to sort out his pride and possibly your fears?

Since values are key in living a healthy life, I suggest that you obey your inner conviction. Abortion is wrong and will not be the way to resolve what you face.

CONQUER FEAR

Your differing perspectives on the pregnancy has exposed not only the values issue, but also the issue of priorities.

Your boyfriend seems to think that the pregnancy came at the wrong time. On the other side, your fear is your greatest enemy.

Fear of how you will communicate to your parents is normal, particularly where we have to confess sin to people who believed in us.

I would however want you to look at it this way: would you rather they hear of your pregnancy now or your abortion later in life?

Your fears can only be overcome by you. Your parent will be mad, but they are still your parents.

Go back to them in humility and seek their forgiveness. Allow them to process the information their way.

Do not go just expecting only an immediate open arms reception. They will have to process the information their own way.

But your approach will be key to how they will receive you. Possibly go with an older aunt or uncle.

If your conclusion on abortion is in line with your convictions, I suggest that you stand by that conviction.

TAKE BACK CONTROL

Don’t let your boyfriend get back in the driving seat to dictate what you need to do. For once stand by what is right.

Remember that maybe when he was intimate with you, he gave you promises that now don’t mean anything. Don’t allow yourself to be wounded twice.

As you think of the emotional consequences that seem to come later as a result of such a pregnancy, learn to forgive yourself. Blaming yourself or living in fear will only weaken your life.

The woman I shared about earlier did not know what awaited her after she took the decision to procure an abortion.

You made a choice to be intimate to which you regret; don’t make another mistake that you could regret. I wish you the best.