My husband changed when I got a better job abroad

Dear Philip,

I have been married for nine years with no kids. Everything was perfect when my husband was earning less. We had dreams of building rental houses. Then I got a well-paying job abroad and had to leave him in the country for two-and-a-half years. When I returned home after the first year, things were good. But when I went back, my husband stopped communicating. Then, three months later, he called to tell me that another woman was having his child. I was shocked and hurt but I accepted it.

After that, the woman began calling me, telling me to leave my husband alone because he was not paying attention to her, and that I should understand her situation. I asked my husband to stand by her, but he said he was not interested. The last time I talked to the woman, I asked her not to abort, assuring her that by the time the baby was born, things would be better between them. She stopped communicating and my husband tells me she had an abortion, much to his relief.

To be honest, I was disappointed because I knew my husband wanted a child. When I returned home for Christmas that year, I traced the woman and asked her why she had terminated the pregnancy. She told me it was because my husband was not giving her attention.

BEARING A CHILD

Then my husband got a well-paying job. He no longer wanted to fulfil our dreams. We had a house in the village and I felt we could afford to buy and develop a plot in Mombasa. I went round and found a nice place, but when I told him about it, he became hostile and said he had no money. He said I was free to do things on my own. I gave up and stopped talking about it.

Meanwhile, he decided to build a bigger house in the village, which really incensed me. I couldn’t understand why we needed another house in the village instead of working on what we had planned. He used up all the money we had saved on the project.

Another thing that was killing me inside was his accusation that I did not want to bear him a child. I suggested that we see a specialist but he said he was too busy. I went to Aga Khan Hospital and saw an Ob/Gyn and had a battery of tests done. When I tried to talk to him about it, he said he was not interested. I told him I would accompany him but he flatly refused.

Every time we have an argument, he asks me to leave his house and take everything I came with. I have tried leaving but he always comes and begs me to take him back, so I end up going back.

This happened for nearly two years.

Then, out of the blue I got an email from my American boss asking if I was interested in working for him in a new office he was opening in Dubai. I discussed it with my husband and he agreed.

I thought I would have some peace at last, but I was wrong. I had been there less than a month when he called to say that he had been offered a two-acre land at a reasonable price, and he wanted to buy and develop it. I told him to use his money, and that we would talk when I came for Christmas, but he said he would sell my salons, in which I had invested heavily.

I told him he could not do that since I had the documents safely stored. He told me to ask my sibling to go and pick up my stuff from his house, and that he would not talk to me so I should not bother trying to contact him.

FEELING LOST

I feel lost because I don’t know what he does with his money and why he is always asking me to leave my home.

I am thinking of filing for divorce when I come home for Christmas. I have tried to make things work but all he is doing is sapping my energy. I feel very frustrated and lost. I never ask for his money and all I ever wanted was to have the man I fell in love with back.

Before I left, he would come in the evening, just to say hi, watch TV, have his dinner and go to bed. Whenever I tried touching him, he would say he was tired. I stopped bothering, and was happy to go back to work.  

I guess I am going nuts, asking myself what I did wrong or what I am not doing enough. I am afraid of what I will find when I come for Christmas. What can I do to save my marriage? Or should I just give up and move on? Please help.

Being in a childless marriage is not easy. The pressure from parents, siblings and friends can be unbearable. I must commend you for the nine years you have been together. That your husband got another woman pregnant and did not mind that she had an abortion sounds really weird.

Any man whose wife can forgive him the way you did would have looked for ways to parent the child without necessarily marrying a second wife. However, the decision by this woman was a personal choice.

RE-ESTABLISH COMMUNICATION

Your husband’s action makes one wonder whether he really got into this relationship to have a baby.

It appears that during the period you were away, there were several issues going on in his mind, and your not having a child bothers him. However, it is hard to understand why he does not want to go for a medical examination. Had he agreed even to see a counselling psychologist, he would have had a chance to talk about his fears.

I suggest that you do what it takes to re-establish decent communication, so that you can re-discover your friendship. Being hostile because of your possessions might only make him feel like he can never do any good. It is possible to bring sense to a discussion and win an argument by taking sides with our adversary in order to identify and empathise with their reasons for feeling the way they do before turning them around to see the light.

I believe every spouse should support their partner’s career growth. It was in order for you to talk to him about going to Dubai. But be careful not to aggravate the situation. For example, is it possible to make things better by working from here as you continue to build dialogue? It looks like he feels he can do a lot when you are not there to keep questioning his actions.

In marriage, whatever money you have belongs to both of you. But the way things are, it looks like your man needs help to come back to this mind-set.

IT TAKES TWO

He certainly doesn’t have the right to sell your businesses. You have to be firm about this until you can have a face-to-face discussion. Both of you will have to weigh the pros and cons of the actions you might need to take. Remember that it takes two to make a relationship like yours to work. Your marriage has many unresolved issues that need to be tackled.

I advise that you see a professional counsellor or spiritual leader and deal with this baggage from a personal perspective. Once you have done this, you will be clear on what to do when you engage him in discussion. It is time for an honest and unbiased third party to come in and help you repair your marriage.

Before you walk out, write down the issues that remain unresolved. Use this list to form the basis of your discussion with the counsellor, and then with your husband. Make it clear to him that you would want the marriage to work, but this time round, it should be on joint values and ideals.

He has helped me, but he is also very mean

Hi Kitoto,
I am 23. I broke up with my boyfriend a year ago after learning that he was having an affair with a woman with whom he was living in a hostel. When I asked him about it, he became furious and claimed that I was the one cheating on him. He then went on to brag about all the things he had done for me. He said that women from my home didn’t get married, and that he regretted dating a woman from such a family.

As an orphan, I was very dependent on him because my relatives became hostile to us after our parents died.

However, I decided to let him go and forget about him. But sometimes he calls to ask me how I am doing, although I am no longer interested.

Hi,
A few things here that don’t add up. First, this man does not know how to repent or seek forgiveness. Instead, he defends and justifies his wrong ways. It is sad and prideful of him to brag about sin. If he truly wants you back in his life, he should make up, and not intimidate you.

Second, it is unfair for him to blame you. Don’t let this get to you. He should not push you to believe a lie about yourself. A man who is killing your self-esteem is not worth having as a partner. In fact, his words border on insults. I don’t think you would want to consider a man who allows his guilt to drive him to fight you. Move on.

He’s won’t, but I’m afraid to leave him

Hallo Kitoto

I have been with my man for three years. We have had good and bad times. A few months into our relationship, I got to know about his chatting, receiving photos of nude women and having an affair. I was mad but since I loved him, I forgave him. He did the same thing to his ex, and we have been through it for some time.
Every time I leave because of that, he comes begging and since I love him, I forgive him. He also has a drinking problem and sometimes gets violent.
I have been very patient, but about two weeks ago, I felt I had had enough. I was very bitter since I have always stood by him.
I do my best to be a great woman to him. I have always had clear intentions towards him. I recently went for drinks and had an affair with an old friend. Now he wants me back. I don’t know what to do. I feel like he will never change but then again, I’m afraid of starting another relationship. What to do?

Hi,
Every relationship has its good and tough moments. The issue is to learn how to navigate both by allowing the good times to energise you and the tight times to be learning moments. However, problems like cheating should not just be brushed off with simple statements, like “Sorry dear!” or “…because I love him”. True, love covers a multitude of sins, but you must be responsible. Love leads us into paths of kindness, long-suffering, patience, and self-control.

When you love and forgive someone, they should be more responsible. Could your man be taking you for granted? You need to discuss the causes and consequences of bad behaviour and determine how such tough times will open the door to growth instead of leading you back into cycles of the same sin.

What you have not mentioned is whether you are married or just walking in and out of each other’s life. If you are married, then there is a problem because I do not see the behaviour of a married man in your partner. You could be approaching marriage from different angles. If you are not married, then you could be wasting your most valuable time.

I wonder why you are so afraid of moving that you can tolerate a man who sees nothing wrong with cheating on you. Maybe he is not committed. You might be thinking he is committed, while he has plans for a future with someone else. How long will you endure this pain?

There is a direct link between taking excessive alcohol and promiscuous behaviour, and in many cases, violence.

As far as violence is concerned, you have a right to stop this abuse. Don’t let this continue. However, I am worried that after thinking soberly and seeking to remain focused, you have decided to entangle yourself in actions your friend was doing that you felt were wrong. Revenge will only hurt you.