My man is generous but oh, so insecure
I am a 23-year-old woman dating a man who is 41. Whenever he calls, he never tells me anything serious or important, especially concerning our relationship. Whenever he calls, he gives me no peace. He is also insecure. PHOTO | FILE
What you need to know:
- For most couples, age seems to matter a lot. In your case, you are relating with a man who is 18 years your senior. This, coupled with the fact that you are in a long-distance relationship, has the potential to breed anxiety, fear, and jealousy.
- I have come across men who use intimidation to keep a hold on their much younger, beautiful girlfriends. If this is the case, there is not much you can do but to assure him.
- Although he gives you all you need, it is up to you to determine what is more important to you: Is it his money — which seems to be accompanied by abuse — or your feelings, in which case you should you walk away and seek healing?
Hi Kitoto,
I am a frequent reader of your column and through them I have been motivated and learnt a lot.
I am a 23-year-old woman dating a man who is 41. Whenever he calls, he never tells me anything serious or important, especially concerning our relationship. Whenever he gets sick, he says I am the reason for his sickness, stress, and absence from work.
His complaints makes me mad because whenever he calls, he gives me no peace. He has two children with a woman from whom he broke up. I work and live far from him. He is also insecure.
At some point I lived with him in my house for two months. Sometimes I think the age gap, as well as his level of education, are the problem. However, he gives me all I ask for.
Please help so that I can make a wise decision.
Hi,
Thank you for being a loyal reader of this column. From the information you have given, it is undoubtable that your man’s attitude towards you is unhealthy. However, I do not get much from your story to show where this animosity is coming from. I am inclined to think that your view of him could be attributable to the fact that you are involved in a long-distance relationship.
For most couples, age seems to matter a lot. In your case, you are relating with a man who is 18 years your senior. This, coupled with the fact that you are in a long-distance relationship, has the potential to breed anxiety, fear, and jealousy. I have come across men who use intimidation to keep a hold on their much younger, beautiful girlfriends. If this is the case, there is not much you can do but to assure him.
You should not tolerate emotional abuse. You should ignore what he says or does to intimidate you. If you take what he says to heart, you will end up being shaped by his words. My take here is that you will only continue to hurt yourself and make yourself susceptible to stress.
Although he gives you all you need, it is up to you to determine what is more important to you: Is it his money — which seems to be accompanied by abuse — or your feelings, in which case you should you walk away and seek healing? In relationships, it is important to be able to tell the difference between a good partner and a self-seeker.
1. Look for character: No one will object to the fact that character matters. A great relationship must have qualities such as trust, faithfulness, respect, and humility. Pride can be a killer of a thriving relationship. Every partner should be able to ask, “Why should I trust him/her?”
2. Shared beliefs and values: One’s values and beliefs play a major part in their outward behaviour. Every spouse must look for shared values on money, faith, parenting, and family.
3. Great friendship: A friend takes you as you are and appreciates being with you. A great partner is one who is committed to making you a better person. A partner who is consumed with vendetta, blame, and verbal abuse will do nothing but rob you of your self-worth.
