What not to tell a woman in an abusive relationship
Many people are guilty of judging women who stay in abusive relationships.
What you need to know:
- I remain steadfast in my belief that both women and men should walk away from abusive relationships.
- However, many of us, especially self-proclaimed feminists, are guilty of judging women who stay in abusive relationships.
A few years ago, in a moment of acute desperation, I told my cousin, “The only way you'll ever leave this marriage is in a coffin.”
These chilling words were aimed at convincing her to break free from her abusive husband.
My home had become her refuge every time he inflicted harm, but after that dire incident where vicious blows to her head and body temporarily blinded her and fractured her arm, my determination to help her intensified.
I wanted her to press charges and make him pay for the years of pain.
However, my quest left me isolated—she never spoke to me about her marriage again, and my home ceased to be her sanctuary.
We were eventually summoned to a reconciliation meeting, where I sat tight-lipped, infuriated by the unjust situation, failing to recognise that it wasn't mine to fix.
I replayed this scenario recently when I read Mikki Kendall's Hood Feminism: Notes from the Women That a Movement Forgot, which introduced me to my own privilege as a feminist.
While I may not understand the experience of being white, I do understand privilege.
When I walked away from an abusive relationship, I had financial stability and only one child to provide for.
My fairly liberal perspective meant cultural and religious reasons held no sway in my decision.
My words to my cousin were hurtful and insensitive; leaving an abusive marriage isn't as simple as walking away.
The insidious reality is that most times, the confluence of religious, cultural, economic, and social factors often make women feel obligated to stay, even if they risk paying for their choices—or lack of choices—with their lives.
Sitting on my feminist high horse and judging my cousin was a mistake.
Ms Kendall urges feminists to embrace the autonomy of those less privileged.
Many of us, especially self-proclaimed feminists, are guilty of judging women who stay in abusive relationships.
In this column, I've previously urged women to leave bad marriages.
Instead of asking, "Why don't you leave?", we should be asking, "How can I support you to leave?" or "How can I help you?" or “What will it take to make you feel supported, heard, and seen?”
I remain steadfast in my belief that both women and men should walk away from abusive relationships, and I will continue advocating this cause.
I applaud those fortunate and privileged enough to make that choice.
However, I also recognise the intricate nature of such decisions.
For a woman without economic empowerment and constrained by religious, cultural, and social expectations, leaving requires substantial support.
I've learned that discussing domestic violence requires empathy and understanding.
Recognising the unique challenges individuals in abusive relationships face is crucial.
Instead of judgment, let's encourage open dialogue, provide resources, and offer support to help those experiencing abuse.
The writer comments on social and gender topics (@FaithOneya; [email protected]).
