Bruised and abused: Why we stayed in abusive relationships
A study on why battered women stay states that powerlessness is the underlying reason that forces many into abusive relationships.
What you need to know:
- A study on why battered women stay states that powerlessness is the underlying reason that forces many into abusive relationships.
- Mary* lived through abuse from her partner because she became pregnant.
- Ruth* stayed because her dowry had been paid.
- Jennifer* is staying because she doesn’t know how to live without her abusive partner.
The Kenya Demographic Health Survey 2022 revealed that 34 per cent of women have experienced physical violence, while 13 per cent had experienced sexual violence.
A study on why battered women stay states that powerlessness is the underlying reason that forces many into abusive relationships.
“Women are trapped in a vicious circle of violence arising from deeply rooted patriarchal power structures, which place them in a position of dependence on the man and predict she will fulfil certain roles,” Tom Ondicho states in the study.
Three women share their stories on why they endured abusive partners.
For two years Mary* lived through abuse from her partner because she became pregnant.
“I was just 20 when it started, I had known my then-boyfriend for slightly over a year and a half. I thought he was my soulmate but there were red flags right from the beginning. He would make snide comments about my weight and my dressing. One time, we were going out on a date and I was asked to change because my dress was apparently too enticing for other men. Whenever I would confront him about his comments, he would dismiss my concerns as ‘just jokes’. Our honeymoon period was short-lived and soon after, the verbal abuse turned to slaps every often. He then became too controlling. At first, whenever I was out with friends, he would call and demand that I leave them. He eventually forbade me from having any friends. I was a student then but I was never allowed to not pick up calls. The physical violence intensified. Every time I wanted to leave, I second-guessed myself. I also did not have anyone to confide in. As a first-born I am not used to sharing my issues with others, I only hinted at my woes to my aunt but even then, I hid a lot of things. When I thought I was finally ready to leave, I discovered I was pregnant. I had always dreamt of getting married and raising a family. After the news, I was hopeful that things would get better but they only got worse. Six months into the pregnancy, his hostility towards me increased. He accused me of ruining his life and that he never asked to be a dad. Apparently, he had missed out on a scholarship because of us. He started saying that I should terminate the pregnancy and took me to different hospitals for the same. Fortunately, all doctors rejected the proposal because I was too far gone. After the hospital visits, it hit me that this man actually hated me. The love I felt for him disappeared largely. He did not come to see us at the hospital and that was it. I recalled how I grew up in an abusive family and could therefore not bear to put my daughter through the same, she deserves better."
Experts call for public educational programs on domestic violence to increase awareness of avenues of redress available to battered women.
Ruth* who was in an abusive relationship for two years, stayed because her dowry had been paid.
"It has been 11 years since I was kicked but those memories are still very fresh. If anyone had told me that I would one day get out of that situation, I would not believe them. I was 24 years old then and had known this man since 2006. We had a good run in the initial days until things went sour. He had this ability to gaslight and project his insecurities onto me, always making me feel bad for things that were not my fault.
He then started to isolate me from my friends and family. He would cause fracas whenever we were out with family. He was also very rude, which caused my inner circle to steer clear of me. Every now and then, he would strangle me. However, the worst thing he did to me was the sexual violation. I contemplated leaving but we had one child and he had just paid my dowry. I guess I was afraid of what society would say. I also thought that he would eventually love me enough to do better but he never did.
Unfortunately, I did not really leave on my own. There was a long period of disrespect that eventually got to the public and he got into a physical fight with two of my male family members. My parents got involved, the police too. It was at this point that he decided to leave. After a week or so, I realised that I could leave without him and it was more peaceful. I never looked back."
Jennifer* is still in an abusive relationship. She is staying because she doesn’t know how to live without her abusive partner.
"I am currently 21 years old. I met my boyfriend in culinary college. He was very charming from day one. I began to see him as my soulmate. However, every once in a while I would observe his controlling nature. He would always call to find out where I am at and with whom. He would visit my dorm impromptu as if he was hoping to catch me doing something inappropriate. I always thought that it was jealousy and I found it cute.
I remember vividly when he last hit me. I looked into his WhatsApp messages when he came to visit me in my dorm and found that all this while in our one-year relationship, he had been talking to other girls. When I confronted him, he beat me black and blue. My whole body was swollen. I called my mother crying about it and she immediately came and took me to hospital. She had initially suggested we file a report with the police, but for some reason, we did not. She made me promise to leave the relationship but three months later, we are still together. I have tried but this is very difficult. He has not hit me again since that day but sometimes, I fear."
Becky Gitau, a psychologist and gender expert advises women in abusive relationships to get out as soon as they can.
“Your mental health will be greatly affected and this will impede all the other areas of your life because you will be stuck. You will not be able to be a good parent, employee, or friend if you are in a toxic relationship. When your mind is sick, you may find yourself in and out of hospital since your physical health will also be impacted. If you are experiencing physical violence, then that can result in death, so before then, please leave.”
She says couples may consider mediation or therapy because it can help them to look at things from a different perspective. For those seeking justice in the event of physical or sexual violence, she advises that they have proper documentation like medical and police records to aid in the judicial process.
Damaris Bonareri, a senior Programme officer at Kenya Human Rights Commission intimates that there are different laws that protect individuals against GBV.
“The Protection against Domestic Violence Act 2015 for example outlines the process for obtaining protection orders. It ensures the victim gets a restraining order to keep them away from the abuser. The Sexual Offences Act 2006 criminalises marital rape but unfortunately, many still think it is impossible for rape to happen in marriage and so they do not report it.”
For the law to take its course, one must first report to the police and this she acknowledges is usually the biggest challenge for survivors who fear stigmatisation and re-traumatisation at the hands of the police and the entire judicial system.
Ms Bonaneri insists that the law alone cannot offer the solutions to GBV because certain forms such as emotional violence, which is included as part of domestic violence are difficult to prove. And in the case of economic violence, the law cannot compel an individual to stop it. In other cases, even with good judgment, enforcement becomes a challenge. Hence, she advocates for community engagement to tackle the vice.
Mr Ondicho in his study also calls for public educational programs on domestic violence to increase awareness of avenues of redress available to battered women. The education may enable women to stay or leave after the initial episode of abuse.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the sources.
