No! Women don’t condone domestic violence

According to the 2022 Kenya Demographic and Health Survey (KDHS), 43 per cent of women and 35 per cent of men believe that a man is justified to beat his wife.

Respondents were asked whether they agreed that a man is justified hitting or beating up his wife in eight circumstances. These were when she burns food, argues with him, refuses to cook, goes out without telling him, returns home late, neglects the children, is unfaithful and refuses to have sex with him.

The sample of respondents was drawn from a pool of men and women aged between 15 and 49. Respondents in rural areas were more likely to condone wife beating that those in the urban areas.

Among the rural population, 51 per cent of women and 40 per cent of men agreed that wife beating is justified, compared to 30 per cent of women and 26 per cent of men in urban areas.

But are women really condoning domestic violence? All the eight circumstances define domestic violence, an abuse perpetrated by an intimate partner.

Verification 

In 2018, Oxfam published a report titled Let’s stop thinking it is normal, based on findings from a formative research from 12 countries across Africa, Latin America and the Caribbean and the Pacific. 

It identifies 10 social norms that drive violence against women and girls. We look at them below.

Women must be submissive to male family members in all aspects of her life

That wives are expected to obey their husbands, act according to their wishes and not strive for equal decision making.  In disobedience, their husbands are permitted to use physical violence as a form of punishment or discipline.

Men are expected to exercise coercive control

This dominance can manifest in men monitoring their wives or girlfriend’s mobile phones and social media.

Men have the right to discipline women for ‘incorrect’ behaviour

Oxfam’s research equally revealed a strong belief, among both women and men, that violence is acceptable, and even necessary, when used by men to discipline women for not delivering on their perceived responsibilities or when their behaviour transgresses social norms.  Strikingly, more women and men hold the view. In Solomon Islands, for instance, 65 per cent of women respondents agree with the statement ‘it is acceptable for a man to hit and hurt his wife if she doesn’t do the housework to his liking’, compared to 35 per cent of male respondents.

Women cannot deny their male partner sex

That women’s bodies should always be available to men. These norms, the researchers say, contribute to intimate partner rape and other forms of abuse, which are the most common form of violence against women and girls.

Sexual harassment is normal

The study notes that dominant patterns around male sexual entitlement over women’s bodies contribute to sexual harassment and other forms of sexual violence. In Colombia, for instant, a young woman stated, “I believe that everything arises from the fact that men see us as sexual objects and as the persons they need to fulfil their sexual needs.”

Women experience violence because they are dressed ‘provocatively’

From Oxfam’s Latin America and the Caribbean regional research, it found that  seven out of 10 young men aged 15–19 blamed women for the violence they experienced because they were dressed ‘provocatively’ or out on the street late at night. This the researchers say is shifting the blame to justify men’s sexual entitlement and violence.

All women should become mothers

This belief, the report says, is rooted in the patriarchal power imbalance between men and women. It also emanates from the dominant belief that men protect and provide for and have authority over their family, while good women prioritise their family’s health and wellbeing. That women are primarily married to give birth and raise the children, and meet her husband’s needs and demands.

Girls are valued as wives not as individuals

That for girls, the social expectation to demonstrate submissiveness can lead to early marriage, which is also used to control their sexuality. Particularly, girls’ bodies are seen as assets that can depreciate or appreciate in value depending on community perceptions and notions about ‘honour’ contributing to early marriage. In Nigeria, this was summarised as: “You are worth more as a wife than as a daughter.”

Heterosexuality is the only sexual orientation that is acceptable

The study also found that  women and girls with living disabilities, divorced women, widows, sex workers, lesbians and trans women are more likely to experience violence because they are “unacceptable”.

Divorced women have less value

The research found divorced women and widows are seen as having less value, as they do not have the monetary value of bride price anymore. Furthermore, they are considered to be property of the in-laws who paid for them in the first place. Therefore, they are not respected in their families and often not protected against violence.

Njeri Migwi a renowned and staunch women’s rights defender, cannot hold still with the phrasing of the problem “women condoning violence”.

“There is no way women can condone violence. Women are socialised to accept that violence is part of their lives,” she says.

Kamau Ngugi, executive director of Defenders Coalition, a human rights organisation puts forth that domestic violence is steeped in cultural beliefs built through historical layers of conservative attitudes and behaviours.

“Changing the attitudes and behaviours takes a long time and this requires long-term investments,” he says.

National Gender and Equality Commission chairperson Dr Joyce Mutinda crowns it all, saying “patriarchy is a major problem in the fight towards ending violence against women. Sadly, we have not managed to slay the patriarchy dragon.”

In 2021 when doing a story on status of shelters in Kenya, I met a woman from Mathare slum at a shelter in Karen, Nairobi County.

She had been in an abusive marriage for 13 years. Her husband restrained her from doing any business and she could not leave the house without his permission.

When I asked her why she persevered, she said she was an orphan who had dropped out of school in Class Four. She said she had neither money to build a life of her own nor nowhere to find refuge.

And she only got to be rescued by her neighbours when her husband, a casual labourer, returned home to find her conversing with a neighbour outside the house. 

He mercilessly beat her before the neighbours intervened and reached out to a social worker who found her a place in the shelter. 

Verdict

Women don’t condone violence. Discriminatory and unsupportive environments suffocate them into submission.

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