I ran into an interesting discussion online this week. The topic was on open relationships. A lot of times, we either joke about the issue, or we have those who fantasize about the possibility.
It's one of those ideas that look appealing in a blog until you get in and realise it's anything but exciting. For men, it starts with the need to spice up things a little bit. To us, this means bringing in other people. We will have bright ideas about how to go about it and execute it to perfection. Until the whole set-up ends up in premium tears.
I'm all about experimentation but all of these tests almost always lead to the same destination— a disappointment for everyone involved particularly for the men.
Why so? I think that everyone gets in with dishonesty and unrealistic expectations about how everything will go. A lot of these things are borne from fantasies in movies or from random daytime TV reality show which passes it off as progressive usually around the well-worn discussions on monogamy not being natural.
In open relationships, men usually suggest it because they want to enjoy more than one woman at the same time, while not carrying the guilt of an affair. After all, their main consented to the arrangement. But if she agreed, she will do the rounds as well. In the end, you realise you don't have the stamina that you think you do and next you get jealous when you're not the centre of attention and start throwing a tantrum after you realise that it's not going as you planned.
Men who suggest open relationships forget one important thing. You can't land more bodies than a woman. No matter how much you try. It usually works for all of three seconds when it's only the man doing it then it starts going downhill when she starts enjoying the game and gets less and less bothered by your meandering ways.
It gets worse. Like a friend who initiated being open, until he realised that she wasn't initiating intimacy anymore and wasn't bothered when he didn't either. She was already getting enough action out there. She stopped getting bothered when he came home late or his lack of thoughtfulness or romance. She would just shrug it off and he was hurt him. Why didn't she care anymore?
He was the one who had suggested opening up the relationship but here he was, experiencing dry spells while his wife went to this other man's house. He even became that insecure guy and at some point followed her to his place to see who he was, what he looked like, what kind of car he drove, and where he lived. The worst part about him going to look was that the man was taller and more muscular than he was, more attractive than him and drove a fancy car, and then lives in a plush neighbourhood. Last we talked he was trying to figure out how to "close" the relationship. He is probably not going to get her back. He'll figure it out soon.
Men, if you're thinking of opening your relationship, don't. First, you are going to be jealous and raise hell.
Be honest with yourself and with your partner and give her space to tell you what she feels about it. We're socialised to be jealous and protective in romantic relationships particularly sexually and you have to fess up that you will be insecure. You can't be that guy who is ready to fight the whole club because someone tried to talk to their girl but think that you're ready for an open relationship.
Open relationships require you to be okay with your partner being happy with someone else. Your kind of love needs to be the kind that is okay with that happening. It's not immature to admit that you can't handle it. Most people can't and those in these relationships only show you the rosy parts.
DO NOT. Anyway, if you do, don't say I didn't warn you.