BABYLOVE: A nice way to meet

The dynamics of a relationship between your children and your male friends are not easy to navigate, whether these are platonic or romantic relationships.

Gladys is a 30-year-old single mother of a seven-year-old boy. She separated from her son’s father when her son was months old. “I have one close platonic male friend who I’ve known for about four years. He, my son and I hang out a lot together and he is in our house at least once a week.

Just a friend

Over the years, I never thought much about it, until when my son, at the age of six, suddenly asked me if Joe*was my boyfriend.

The funny thing is that at that time I had been dating someone else for three months. Even though the new flame knew I had a son from the beginning, I had not introduced them. So I told my son that, no, Joe* was just my friend, the same way that he is friends with his school mates.

Then I started to research on how to broach the boyfriend thing.”

Family and relationships counselor Anthony Kibathi says male figures are very important in a child’s life. These father figures, whether biologically related or not, are who a child looks up to, identifies with and on occasion, gets attached to. They reinforce necessary boundaries between the mother and child, help with establishing gender identity (especially in boys), provide a broader outlook on life and are on occasion a much needed hand of support.

Gladys says her son seemed to understand the fact that she and Joe were just friends as soon as she related him to his school friends.

She is therefore not worried about how to introduce her platonic male friends. “But I was very reluctant about introducing him to my boyfriend. I always thought I should wait for about six months, until I was sure that the relationship was going somewhere. Judging by how attached he is to Joe, I didn’t want him to get attached to someone who might not be around for long.”

In the book Act Like A Lady, Think Like a Man, author Steve Harvey advises women to introduce potential boyfriends as soon as they begin to have romantic feelings for each other within the first few meetings; this way you will not waste six months only to find out that your man does not know how to handle himself around children.

After four months of dating, Gladys hosted a dinner party at her house, inviting six other male and female friends, including her new beau. “I figured he might as well meet the whole gang. Even though I did not introduce him as my boyfriend, he and my son met. We dated for another two months before he joined us for a movie night, then for a year before he actually spent the night with us.

What to consider

My son understands that he is my boyfriend (not his father) because I have had this conversation with both of them.”

Kibathi applauds Gladys’ moves, stating that the only way to fully explain a platonic male friend to your child is by making them understand who a friend is, what purpose they serve and why mummy needs friends as well.

But when it comes to romantic partners, there’s more to consider. “Early on, have a new boyfriend attend bigger social gatherings, where other friends that your child knows are present.

This way they can meet in an informal non-threatening way; no demands and no expectations. As the child continues to see him in informal neutral surrounding, then the meetings can get gradually intimate. Children are not stupid; by this time they will probably have picked up on the fact that he is mummy’s ‘special’ friend anyway.”

1. Try to be as honest as possible when explaining to your child the difference between your ‘friend’ and your ‘special’ friend. This conversation is largely determined by the child’s age.

When they are younger and don’t understand the relationships between men and women, keep things simple by just referring to him as a friend. If they are older, then it’s time to honestly explain the dynamics of a healthy romantic relationship. You can do this by referring to other healthy couples that the child knows.

2.   Make sure the introduction is not too soon after a separation with a primary male figure (e.g. after divorce).

A child’s readiness will be determined by age (younger children are generally more accepting of new partners than older ones) and how comfortable they are talking about the recent separation (watch out for verbal and physical reactions such as anger, acute sadness (not ready) or acceptance, follow-up questions about the future (ready).

3. As your new friend (platonic or romantic) spends more time with both of you, watch out for your child’s reaction to their presence.

While your children shouldn’t dictate who you see, it’s important to consider their feelings. If they (child) do not react favourably, don’t castigate them for it. Some children will get jealous or insecure.

Reassure them that no one is ever going to take you away from them and neither is your friend trying to replace their father. Neither you nor your friend should try too hard to win the child over. Let the relationship unfold naturally, without placing demands and expectations on each other.