WIFESPEAK: You are a gascooker, while your wife is a jiko

This is part of an email I recently received from a man, which echoes several others I have received from men since I started writing this column.

“Advise your fellow women to up the game and stop rationing. It is annoying to keep begging for your conjugal rights.”

So sorry my brother, I think this email from a wife might shed some light on this delicate, yet most important aspect of marriage;

“My husband has all the right tools of trade and the stamina, but he has zero skill, yet gets offended when I tell him how to do it…why is he surprised that I have lost interest?”

I get lots of requests to offer advice on sex in marriage, but I am not a sex therapist. However, since most of the requests I get are not medical in nature, here is my attempt at demystifying this life-giving, often misused gift of unity between a man and a woman.

I recall my bridal shower and the lessons learned thereafter. Amidst giggles, a friend handed me a package.

In it was an assortment of boudoir stuff, which I cannot list here because my editor will not let it see the face of a printer, so I will leave it to your imagination.

The bedroom matter, (which is not restricted to the bedroom by the way) is so important in marriage, that my married friends made sure that I understood that.

As happens at bridal showers, I sat on a high chair, feeling pretty, surrounded by girlfriends and female relatives. My girlfriend, the presenter of the intriguing package spoke up;

AS A WIFE…

“Your work as a wife is not to lie there expecting an earthquake as your man does the donkey work.” There was a roar of laughter.

“When not in the mood, as might sometimes happen, here is what you can do…” continued my bold friend, and before she could complete her presentation, questions were flying all over. When you put ten or more women together, there is bound to be lots of sharing and bonding, never mind that men call this chatter.

Some take home for us all was, yes indeed, it is normal and biologically necessary for women to exhibit the charcoal jiko-like characteristics.

One (read husband) must know how to light a charcoal Jiko. At some point in the month, she is like the charcoal that lights up immediately at the whiff of a flame.

You know, the super light charcoal that warms the entire house, and one has to lock the jiko door to manage the flames? This kind of charcoal cooks faster than gas and can prepare more than one meal. If you do not get the coded language in this, you are either hopeless or underage.

RAINED ON CHARCOAL

While on the coals, there is a time in the course of the month when a woman is like charcoal that has been rained on. One (read the husband) needs to do a lot of fanning and blowing (please, not literally) to get the flames on.

At this point, if there is a man who has never lit a charcoal jiko, please go ahead and do just that. It will give you a general idea of how long it takes to warm things up to a functional operating mode and to finally get to understand that while you are a gas cooker, your woman is more or less the coal cooker.

You operate like a switch, she takes time to warm up, but as you might learn, it is also a job to cool down the hot embers.

To my fellow women, it is true that he cannot read your mind, so you need to guide him on how to light the jiko, your way. That said, gentlemen, it is important that you stay open to learn how best your jiko works.