Living without physical intimacy

Time was when sex was taboo and never spoken about. But now it’s visible everywhere, and we all feel under pressure to be in a sexual relationship.

But actually, lots of people just don’t work that way. Around one per cent of us are completely asexual. Which means they don’t feel sexual attraction at all.

That’s not the same as losing interest in sex, or choosing to be celibate. It’s simply not having the feelings most men and women get when they see someone sexy. And so, in our highly sexualised world, asexuals can feel that nobody understands them.

Because most people never forget the time they felt that first thrill. From that moment on, romance and relationships dominate our lives.

But as their friends start pairing off, asexuals realise they’re different. They slowly figure out that they just aren’t interested in sex at all. And have no idea why.

So being asexual can be very difficult. Your friends don’t believe it: “How can you still be a virgin?” They get fed up of hearing that “it’s just a phase you’re going through. You’re just scared. You’ll never know until you try it. You just haven’t met the right person ...”

But many asexuals don’t really enjoy physical contact at all, and don’t want to share a bed.

They feel disgusted by the whole idea of sex and remain virgins for life.

Others are OK with physical contact, but holding hands is probably as far as they want to go. Some seek relationships for their practical benefits — the company, conversation and security.

Some want children, or have sex just to please a partner. Still others have sexual feelings but can’t understood society’s obsession with them. And feel no desire to connect with anyone. A bit like seeing nice food, but not wanting any because you’re not hungry.

What’s often hard for “sexuals” to understand is that it’s perfectly possible for an asexual to lead a very fulfilling life without sex. So both can get very stressed if they find themselves in a sexual/asexual relationship.

For example, many asexuals doesn’t understand what it means to be aroused. The word “horny” has no meaning. For others it’s not that sex is unbearable, it’s just that they don’t have any need for it. They can love their spouse, but not in a sexual way.

So what happens when sooner or later their partner wants sex?

Things can get very difficult. So see a therapist. Explore what you like about your relationship and about each other.

Is there any form of sexual intimacy that would be acceptable to both of you? If not, why not? What do you both want from the relationship? If you decide to stay together without any sex at all, how might your relationship compensate for that?

Work through all the possibilities, with an open mind, and there’s a good chance you can find a solution that works for both of you.

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