A word of ‘unsolicited advice’ for first time mothers

Babies are not born with instruction manuals. And inasmuch as this statement is true, it has always opened the door for unsolicited advice from family and friends, alike.

If you are a first time mother, at first you may appreciate the guidance of those that gave birth before you. But, even the most patient of women can break. You could even react by locking your doors, putting your phone on silent, and avoiding anyone that perceives themselves as an “expert” on the subject of motherhood and newborns. So, before you become a recluse and start avoiding all human contact; here's some more advice on “unwanted” advice.

Most of the time, a new mother’s uncertainties get the best of her, and in all honesty, this happens to all mothers. As mothers, we cannot stop questioning our abilities to raise our children.

It is only natural to want the best for them but we fear we will make bad choices and when someone offers advice or guidance, we often take their words as criticism.

Here’s what I have learnt over the past few years:

Most relatives and friends mean to help, not judge. Open your mind to their words; ignore the little voice inside your head that says they are judging you. In most instances, these same people have for years been giving you “unwanted” advice on other aspects of your life.

Read: Life hacks for new mums

The insecurities of having a newborn often times warrants defensive behaviours when faced with unwanted advice. However, motherhood is a learning experience; one that never ends. Listening to family and friends that have walked a similar path before can be a soothing and rewarding experience.

Everyone will have opinions on certain circumstances and if you listen closely, even theirs will differ from one another. Pretty soon, you find yourself throwing your hands up. However, often times, by educating yourself on what the actual ‘experts’ say, you can eliminate the frustration and insecurities that a new mum might face.

Educating yourself on the best choices that you can make for your newborn can build self-confidence, self-respect, and sanity.

I found it important to have a good relationship with my infant’s paediatrician, and I think this could benefit first time mothers too. Often times, the trust you put in your child’s doctor will help fight off insecurities you may have. A paediatrician sees most infants several times during the first few months of their lives, and these doctor visits are great opportunities for mothers to ask questions.

Light-hearted advice is just that. When given, it is meant to be taken as helpful hints and suggestions. However, in some instances, you will have family and friends insisting on their way of doing things.

In many circumstances, especially those that are short-term, you may consider following the person’s advice while they are present. Eventually, they will leave and when they do, so can their advice.

Also read: Advice from experienced mums

There are other times you may find yourself in a circumstance where all other methods of deterring an opinion or advice have failed. You have tried avoiding the subject, quoting a doctor or expert, and even ignoring the advice. But still, the person insists on you listening to them and doing as they say. It is at this time that you have to result to the truth, in the kindest way possible, explain to them your honest feelings on the subject, express gratitude that they care, but in all honesty, the child is yours and you know what is best. If you are uncomfortable saying this to someone, ask a friend, your husband, or another family member to talk to the person and explain to them your true feelings on the situation.

Lastly, it is important to surround yourself with positive people. If possible, find other mothers that share your views and values. Then, as mothers, you can swap stories, not necessarily advice.

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