My girlfriend makes me feel insecure

Hi Pastor Kitoto

I found out that my girlfriend was flirting with another man. From the messages, they had kissed and were also being cosy with each other. I forgave her wholeheartedly. However, I feel insecure. She has been trying so hard to prove that she’s not going to do that again, but I don’t trust her fully. How do I go about this?

Regards,

Hi,

Let us first understand that building a relationship takes time and effort. Most relationships pass through development stages, starting from the moment two people are attracted to each other and start their romantic journey. Because of the excitement in this stage, partners not only assume a lot about each other and the relationship but also do little to point out and build on those things that are key to their mutual growth. For example, how much time do we take to focus on things that strengthen the partnership while at the same time disregarding any failings that are consequential? This is the first phase; we need to be careful not to place each other in prison or be tempted to make excessive demands that only make sense when you are engaged or are in a marriage. You may need to differentiate this for yourself. You could be demanding too much from her while your relationship is still at the exploratory stage.

How long this phase will last will depend on the strategy employed by the partners in the relationship. Because some relationships lack proper direction, partners may feel lost, thereby giving them the opportunity to flirt or play around. In a relationship where partners are inconsistent, in this case, your girlfriend, one may need to ask if the relationship has the needed discipline to move to the next stage. If the discipline lacks, some partners cheat while claiming to be committed to the relationship.

Trouble begins…

The trouble starts when we fail to take note of the reality we are in and how that will affect the relationship’s future. The Reality says, “Look at this failure; I don’t think she was meant for me.” When we focus more on the mistakes that we see, they kill morale, the sparkle in the relationships, chemistry. Finally, the relationship ends because one person sees the other through the lens of their mistakes.

We must be the type who know that relationships are about two imperfect beings trying to make something perfect out of their relationship. Indeed, she flirted and indeed, this hurt you very much. However, you can only categorise her as inconsistent when she does this repeatedly, even after expressing your displeasure. I suggest that other than your desire to express your discontent with her actions, take this opportunity to paint the picture of where you hope this relationship should be in the next year.

Second, lay down some responsible steps you think will help grow your relationship from where you find yourself today. Insecurity and anxiety will only breed fear, and with time, break the connection. Failure to tame your insecurity will only lead to further displeasure and disappointment with each other. Your future will depend on how you move your relationship through these stages. Your commitment should be to season your life together with regular disclosure and affirmation.

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My girlfriend hates sex

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Hallo,

I need some advice. I don’t understand my girlfriend. We have dated for almost a year now but she doesn’t enjoy making love. She excuses herself on account of back pains or stomach aches. I also find that she values her male friends more than me, to an extent of telling them she will pay them a visit. I confronted her about it but she told me that they are just friends. What should I do?

Hi,

Taking note of the words I have stated above in response to the first question will help you check out the state of your relationship. In addition, I would like to mention a few issues. First, personally, I do not recommend sex before marriage. However, if you have decided to move in with each other and sex is a challenge, then I would suggest an aggressive and consistent approach to resolve the issue. If talking to each other does not help, then seeking help in a face to face meeting with a counsellor could unearth issues you may not have been aware of. However, I think that since the two of you are just boyfriend and girlfriend, that is why she is resisting the sexual demands you have placed on her.

I may not speculate why she is preferring to spend time and talk to other men. Her actions could suggest her avoidance of your company based on the demands you are placing on her.

Her talk about visiting them could just be a way of keeping them engaged and interested in her. Talking is one thing, going to their house is another. Your strategy must exclude the agenda of taking her to bed if you are going to restart a conversation that could lead to a journey of rebuilding this relationship. May be my question to you is this: Where is this relationship headed? What does she mean to you beyond having sex together? What do you see in her that could make her believe in you and your offer of friendship?

Does the timing of sex in a dating relationship matter? A study in an American Psychological Association’s Journal of Family Psychology noted that the longer a dating couple waits to have sex, the better their relationship is after marriage. We need to realise that the current dating culture seems to emphasise that partners test their “sexual chemistry” before committing to each other.

Although this is seen by today’s generation as normal in building their romantic relationship that will lead to marriage, the same have left many disfranchised and hurting when the relationship fails to materialise.

The fear that many need to deal with today is connected with the idea that a relationship that does not involve sex early is putting itself at risk of dissatisfaction in the future.

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