I forgave my wife for cheating but she did it again. Please help!

Hello Pastor, 

I have been married for six years now. When I met my wife, I didn't know that she was living with a man until I moved in with her. Before moving in with her, she told me she was two months pregnant with another man’s child and I was okay with that because I loved her so much. I still do.

Even when her colleagues flirted with her or asked her out, we laughed about it together and I advised her how to handle it. It’s unfortunate that several years later, I found out that she was having an affair with my friend. When I confronted her, she apologised and I forgave her. 

I took her to medical school and I’m fully in charge of paying her school fees. But I found evidence in her phone that she was cheating on me with one of her classmates. 

I confronted the man about it and he apologised. He also admitted she had told him she was married and that they could only be friends but when he told her I had called, she insulted me via text messages. 

In the messages, she told me she hated me because I don’t trust her and that the only reason she hugged him was that I did not hug her. She added that she needed to be hugged as a friend. I was hurt by her words.

Every time we disagree, she tells me to go and marry an angel like me as she is tired with the mistrust.

Tell me what to do, please. 

Hi,

One would expect that your marriage would have settled down and moved on towards being fruitful and a blessing to both of you six years down the line. I empathise with you.

However, I sense a lack of commitment and firmness in dealing with issues. Cracks are guaranteed to appear in a relationship due to the lack of clear objectives.

If we look back at your relationship, one would question the many inconsistencies. I am not really sure whether you did enough homework before you engaged her in a relationship. She is a woman you suspected to have been living with another man, she was pregnant with a baby that was not yours in addition to her continued lies.

It is clear that, although she may have found in you a friend, her commitment to you is questionable. Values are key in any relationship. Faithfulness is a virtue that helps grow a healthy relationship. Your relationship lacks in such important values.

You also confess that your wife flirted with her colleagues and is now flirting with her classmates yet shows no indication of changing her ways which is perplexing and difficult to understand. The fact that she passionately defends such actions could point to a deeper problem than you may think.

Remember that, she has a child that is not yours and still goes out with men unapologetically. 
Could she be taking your forgiveness for granted? What is your definition of forgiveness; and her definition of responsibility? I would expect that, when you forgave, such forgiveness would open a door to acceptance and responsible living on her part. 

The fact that she blames you for not being there is an issue you may need to explore and see whether there is truth there. I know that every individual has varying habits, needs and longings that need to be addressed. Because these are different and diverse, the real need that leads her to behave the way she does may not have been addressed.

In your desire to solve the dilemma, if her deep-seated needs have not been addressed, the relationship could sink deeper into another cycle of vulnerability. Taking time to discover the real need driving her behaviour is a great place to start. 

We marry imperfect spouses who have their own dreams and expectations in life. I think that, beyond the forgiveness, she needs to embrace a focused life instead of falling back into past habits. Pointing each other to those unfulfilled needs and the need to work towards them could spur affection back into the relationship.

Additionally, when we become quick to notice the weaknesses and faults without acknowledging strengths, we starve the marriage. As her husband, try not to use her unfortunate past against her. 

Help me understand my boyfriend 

Hi Kitoto,

I have been in a relationship for almost two years now but I have never understood this man. First, he has never invited me to his house and is always full of excuses when I ask him about it. I have not met any of his relatives. I tried to leave him but he became physically violent and threatened to kill me if I left him for another man. I’m tired and I want a break from all this but don't know how to handle it.

Kindly help.

Hi,

I believe we are on the same page when you say that you are tired of him. I ask you to put your feelings into action. Wasting your time will only complicate your lives.

Relationships must be born out of carefully thought through choices. Many who enter into relationships need to know what makes relationships work. This will call for some level of relational intelligence.

I suggest that you relook at the truth about the gaps in your relationship. Most times, relationships are not what we see on TV or hear people talk about. 

For you to benefit from healthy and meaningful relationships, there are some myths about dating you may need to avoid:

1. I need to be in a relationship because all my friends are in relationships.

2. Happiness comes when people date. I will be miserable if I stop this relationship.

3. Being in a relationship will take away and cure all my loneliness.

4. All I need in a relationship is the feeling that I am loved.

5. I am incomplete if I am not seeing someone.

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