Should I reconcile with my ex for the sake of our toddler?

Hi,

I’m 28 years old and have been in a relationship with a 31-year-old man for a while but we broke up three months ago due to unexplained disagreements. We have a two-year-old son. He wants me back and sometimes calls just to tell me how much he misses me and his son. I am in love with him. Whenever I think about the good times we used to have together, I feel very bad. I also feel that my son is missing out on fatherly love. 

I’m not ready for my son to have a stepfather but my sister is opposed to our reconciliation.

 I want him to visit my parents to ask for my hand in marriage officially. I also want him to move houses so that we can have a fresh start in a new house. He claimed to move was expensive and I offered to chip in but he refused. What should I do? 

 Hi,

Certain facts are clear from your testimony. First, the two of you have a child together from your union. Of course, it would be nice for this boy to identify with his father. However, desiring a father for your son should not be the only driving factor in considering a reconciliation. You mentioned that you love him. You need to make sure that your love is not based on empty promises. Marriage is built on choices based on an identifiable ideology of marriage that the two of you subscribe to.

 Second, the two of you separated due to certain reasons you have not disclosed. If true reconciliation is to take place, the differences the two of you had must be identified and resolved. Unresolved issues bring back bad memories the kill the good feeling of love and the promise of a great future. The commitment must be based on a firm foundation of clear values and beliefs held by the two of you. This foundation was shaken, that is why the two of you broke up. A wall or foundation that develops a deep crack cannot be repaired by just putting a plaster on the crack. I assume that these issues were serious enough to lead to a break-up. Therefore, they must be given due attention if the relationship is to experience healing.

 Third, the two of you desire a reconciliation. A lasting reconciliation will be based on several factors: first, is the need for recognition of areas of difference between the two of you. Second, is the need for confession of hurt and its impact on individual partners and the relationship. Third, reconciliation requires either spouse to ask for and receive forgiveness. Implementing your conditions without what I have laid up above will only lead to further hurt. You need a clear road map that will not only bring healing but will also help the two of you develop a better marital environment. Seeing your parents and moving out can only happen when you have reconciled the right way.

She never calls or texts me

Hi,

 I’m 26 and my girlfriend is 24. We both have jobs. I buy her airtime regularly but she never takes time to call or text me, even on Sundays. She lives in Mombasa while I live in Nairobi. I am the one who always initiates communication. I feel neglected. 

Hi,

I am impressed by your concern about quality time together. However, what remains unclear is why this is not as important to her as it is to you. It may be key to find out what she feels her priorities are and where you fit within those priorities.

 What concerns me also is the way the two of you are not only looking at these issues but also how the concerns are being handled. From your viewpoint, it appears like your commitment to providing credit had expectations attached. My worry is whether your expectations match hers. Under the current circumstances, your confusion, frustration and disappointment may be prolonged unless you sit together and redefine what you expect from each other.

The big question is how the two of you will walk towards emotional and economic freedom in the relationship. Your complaints seem to assume the fact that, there is a level of commitment expected which may not be the case with her.

 Two things are worth considering. First, what kind of relationship do you have? Here you have to question the level of commitment expected. Second, how well do you know each other and the demands her work has placed on her. Knowing that money is a hot issue in relationships, and has the power to disrupt the peace and harmony if not managed intelligently, be clear on the reasons behind your little financial support. Like in your relationship, money can create huge problems that could lead to distancing emotionally from each other. It is common to hear repeatedly that financial problems are a leading cause of fights in relationships. The idea is to determine the expectations in the relationships and the responsibilities accorded to such expectations. Learning to deal with expectations can help a relationship experience less stress and not necessarily build castles in the air. Your frustration will continue if your expectations and goals are not being met. However, expectations and goals that are not discussed and set will create falsehoods that will overwhelm and stress both of you.

Having a healthy view of your relationship will not only help you but will also work towards developing healthy dialogue between the two of you. The idea is to have a healthy environment where your relationship can grow unhindered. For example, where is this relationship headed? In essence, do we have a vision? Do we have clear expectations and goals of each other? Are we able to freely communicate on these expectations in a way that will be constructive? Do we both feel responsible for the maturing of this relationship? When looked at well, these questions will help you harmonise what you know about your partner and the future of your relationship. Be careful not to build your relationship on shifting sand.

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