I’m a pastor having an affair and it’s killing me

Hi,

I am a pastor who has been married for four years and have a daughter.

There is this girl I knew when I was young. Her parents were family friends and we had not met for about 12 years. Two months ago, we met on Facebook and things moved so fast that we started having sex.

This has been troubling me very much because I know what  I’m doing is not right but she has such a tight hold on me that even after I tell her I’m not interested, I find myself going back to her. We both know it is wrong because she also has a boyfriend.

My wife does not know about my affair but I believe she will soon because the guilt is affecting me to the extent that I don’t have sex with her.

I’m troubled and don’t know what to do because I could end up destroying my marriage.

Help me please, I want to get out of this situation.

Hi,

I battled with the decision whether or not to publish your letter  but in the end I decided to. I did this for two reasons: First is to use this forum to address the reasons behind the many cases of unfaithful pastors, and second is the way many are abusing God’s unlimited grace towards sinners.

Whatever excuse we might give as pastors or  men of the cloth, we cannot run away from the fact that there is definitely something wrong with the way we deal with our vocation. Many have fallen, and many others continue to. This just tells us one thing: Pastors are human beings with bodies that have desires like everybody else. However, they are at the same time called to live a life of exemplary obedience to God.

As the Holy Scripture says in Ecclesiastes 10:1,  “As dead flies give perfume a bad smell, so a little folly outweighs wisdom and honour.” Like everyone else, pastors reap what they sow. If we succumb to the lust of the flesh, the pride of life and lust of the eyes, we will be driven by them. We have to remember that God calls us to a higher level  of accountability since others depend on us for inspiration, as well as to live model lives worth imitating. What many pastors should realise is that when we succumb to infidelity, the ripple effect is immeasurable, and sometimes irreparable. We preach about God’s grace to forgive sin, so we should not be the first to abuse the same.

My suggestions are: First, you should end the affair and seek personal cleansing. Second, you need to move with speed to heal your relationship with your wife. Third, you should step aside from your pastoral duties as you work things out. Finally, you need to confess to a more mature spiritual leader above you to walk with you.

We have all sinned and fall short of God’s requirements. However, placing ourselves under the authority of the Word of God, confessing our shortcomings and reconnecting with God keeps us seeking his character of trustworthiness and holiness.