How do I tell the house help to dress decently?
Man in thought.
Hi Pastor
We recently got a new house help who is very good at her job. The children love her. My issue is with her dressing which is very provocative. My wife and I have a happy marriage and we both feel very secure in the relationship. I am not attracted to the house help, only that her dressing is impossible to ignore. I don’t know how to tell the help to dress more appropriately without putting funny ideas in my wife’s mind. Kindly advise me on what to do.
Hi
Your question reveals certain key issues we need to look at. First, is to acknowledge your honesty and sincerity on the issue. The fact is that we all have eyes to see and feelings that evoke out of what we see or think about. How we process and act is key to living a victorious life in your marriage. Your home will not be the only place where young and older ladies will dress inappropriately. The truth is, we cannot do anything to change how another person dresses particularly where you have limited authority over them. So, you have to deal with the fact that you will encounter such women not only at home but in your work place, market and streets.
Second, is to commend you on your desire to live by certain values. The fact that you are concerned about peaceful coexistence in your home is commendable. However, as much as valuing your wife’s feelings and how she would react is important, this should not paralyze you into inaction. Fear will only make things worse.
In fact, such fear will leave the situation unresolved for an unnecessarily long time. Taking an honest evaluation of yourself by admitting your inner scarecrows in a great place to start. Scarecrows are made of inner weakness that paralyze one into inaction. In addition, if respect is one of your values, then seek to re-establish clear boundaries that will create a safe environment for all.
Third, discover the strategy of resolving the conflict without escalating the issue. Replace fear with a bold and loving heart of action. Why would you fear talking honestly and openly to your wife concerning an issue that you think goes against your family values. If your wife is irritated by your complaints and would rather allow her to continue dressing in such a manner, then you have a right to confront the house girl in front of your wife on the same. If your wife sides and still fails to see your point of view, then she definitely has an issue.
I suggest you overcome the fear of the unknown and gather the courage to be honest with your feelings about the house help ’s dressing. If it is indeed a concern, then start by talking about the values you would like to see in the house. Proceed to letting her know your concerns. There are two options you could consider: 1) ask the house girl to leave the house and provide another one from your relatives; 2) seek help from a close couple friend to help her see perspective.
Finally, set a clear path of relating in a healthy way in your relationship. I would like to suggest that: First, identify the source of fear when it comes to having an honest discussion with your wife on an issue. This is important because it will mature the relationship. Second, establish clear boundaries in the home that will help in the management of the relationship. Third, if your wife fails support your concerns, it may be difficult to tame the behaviour of the house helps especially is your wife is the one who hired her. Therefore, prioritise getting your wife to see and embrace your concerns over this issue.
There is a saying, ‘Once bitten, twice shy.” Maybe instincts tell you one thing and your reality and experience tells another story. The place you are at is not as hard as you are trying to make it look. I see traces of fear that is affecting the way you are handling both your wife and the worker. Don’t be led by assumptions. Put feeling on the side for a moment and ask, “Why would my wife turn her back to my noble view?” “Do both of you have a culture of freedom of speech?” If you are able to answer these two questions, then ask yourself why you have not taken action to protect yourself from what could potentially hurt your relationship?
Finally, how about you take bold steps towards disciplining your mind and actions in line with your values. Remember, you can’t walk away and assume that the situation will sort itself out. In case you feel overwhelmed; you may need to get help. Seasons come and go and it would be important for you to remain sober and move on even if the situation will take time to be resolved. Just remember that such women with indecent dresses are in the neighbourhood, workplace and market place leaving you with no option but to be self-controlled.
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