Help, I’m trapped in a loveless relationship

Hi Philip,

I am a 22 years old and completed my university education last year. While I was in campus, I fell in love with a girl who was two years older. Six months into our relationship, we decided to rent a house and live together so that we could share expenses. We did a lot of things together and generally had a nice time together. A year later, we started facing serious differences and it looked as if we were competing in everything.

I had plans of introducing her to my parents, but changed my mind after I realised that she was not the woman of my dreams. I started thinking of ending the relationship and moving out, but she resisted, insisting that our differences would end soon. I do not know if she tricked me or it was accidental, but she ended up getting pregnant. I thought of asking her to have an abortion but my Christian faith would not allow me to do that.

By early last year, the woman had changed for the worse. A little misunderstanding would make her stay for almost a week without talking to me. She hardly shared the money she was sent by her parents, expecting me to take care of every expense despite the fact we were both students. Whenever I did not meet her expectations, she would talk negatively to our friends.

I had a Facebook account through which she was my friend, although she did not know it was mine as I had used an alias. Whenever we had a disagreement, she would tell me how “her” boyfriend is childish and mean. This made me hate her even more. At one point, I tried to initiate a discussion to reconcile us, but she became violent and we had our first physical fight.

Neither my mother nor her parents new she was pregnant. I advised her to tell her parents about it but she refused, saying that they would skin her alive. So we talked and decided that I would tell my parents about it and request them to notify her parents.

Since I do not have a father, my mother requested my uncle to call her parents, which he did and a visit was planned.

During delivery, she had some complications and I ended up with a huge bill that cleared out all my savings. My mother came to stay with us to take care of the baby and all she got in return from my girlfriend was disrespect and rude treatment.

Weeks later, together with my mother and my uncle, we visited her parents and were warmly welcomed — I believe they thought we were going to get married. And even after the visit people from her side used to call me often.

Suspecting me of having an affair, she at some point stopped talking to me or doing anything for me. She even discussed me with the housegirl. When I decided to end the relationship and she realised that I was serious, she tried to stop me by all means, to the extent of attempting suicide.

A few months later, we had a disagreement about finances and she threw the baby at me. She then called her parents and told them that I was cruel to her. After investigating, her parents found out that she was the one in the wrong and advised her to show respect to me.

At the end of last year, I graduated (she did not because she had failed some courses) and we went to our respective homes for the Christmas holidays. I do not know what she told her parents about me, but their attitude towards me changed and they stopped calling me.

At the beginning of this year, I got a job away from Nairobi. I decided to leave everything in our Nairobi house and start afresh. I was sure that her parents were financially supporting her, but she constantly pressured me to send her money.

She even started selling property in the house so that she could add to what her parents sent her and live a luxurious life. I thought of bringing her to live with me but am afraid of bringing myself “stress”.

I believe there is no love between us and we are together just because of the baby. She is a nightmare to me and I have even been tempted to commit suicide due to the agony she is putting me through. I regret getting a baby at my age with an older woman. I do not want to imagine living with this woman for the rest of my life. I do not know what to do or even where to start. Please advise.

Hi,

In marriage, it is not fair to trivialise the other person’s perspective on an issue. This is why most men lose out on what hurts their wives. This creates distance and a lack of intimacy in the relationship. I can also sense some measure of immaturity in the way you deal with each other. You need to deal with each other in the light of the prevailing circumstances. Mistrust and suspicions will not help; they will only deepen the disconnect.

I have a feeling that this woman is going through some pain that she has not disclosed. Could it be that she regrets the pregnancy, or is she afraid of the future as a mother? To make matters worse for her, you suspended your initial desire to introduce her to your parents.

Try and be her friend again and see if she can open up to you. The disrespect she showed your mother is further proof that she is dealing with a deeper issue. In fact, her attempted suicide means that some form of depression has set in. Is she regretting something?

Because you are not on one page on many issues, the problems are mounting. Your emotional lives are being deprived due to the uncertainty in the relationship. Having a baby and the reality of motherhood at hand, and her failure to graduate must have taken a toll on her. I would suggest that you deal with this issue.

Since you are not married yet, you should seriously consider your options. Are there enough reasons to warrant a marriage or are both of you together just for the sake of the baby? Make up your mind and get yourselves into counselling to help determine your future. I see that you have the desire to provide for the child, but you need to know where you stand with the child’s mother first.

Contemplating suicide is a defeatist attitude and will only result in pain for others. Taking your life is not the answer to the problems you face. Dialogue is the only way out.

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Mr Kitoto,

I am a secondary school teacher and in my mid-thirties. In 2005, I met a woman at the government training institute I was working.

This was after my university girlfriend had painfully left me. A year later, we were blessed with a lovely baby girl and our love grew even stronger. Unfortunately, in the same year, my contract with the institute ended.

Forced to support the three of us, her little salary could barely sustain us. I was lucky to get a part-time lecturing job, but the pay was small and was often delayed.

All this time, she kept encouraging me not to give up. I later secured a better-paying job and our lives improved. Three months later, I secured an even better-paying job. I was even able to help her sort out some financial issues at her rural home.

During all this, we had some differences. I used to consume alcohol and she was against this. On my part, I was not happy with how she related with housegirls (even though she was the one in charge of that docket). When I tried to intervene, she accused me of having affairs with them.

I was angry and started drinking more and coming home late. And any time we had a quarrel, she turned violent. We engaged our landlord and his wife to mediate when we had our fights. They really loved us and used to share with us on development and family issues.

I was hired by the Teachers Service Commission (TSC) in 2008 and posted to a school in Baringo. I reported early at the request of the head teacher so I was to be paid by the board until my TSC documentation was completed.

The money I got from the school board was insufficient, but I held on. After completing a short training job I had after schools closed for the December holidays, I joined my family in Nairobi.

On Christmas day, we had a serious disagreement that almost turned violent and I saw our daughter starting to cry. So I went out to drink. The following day, I left for my work station. I thought it was the best way to avoid physical confrontation, more so in front of our daughter.

In January 2009, I received my appointment letter from TSC. The school’s board stopped paying me and as usual, the TSC salary delayed. Rent for the Nairobi house was in arrears but since the landlord’s wife was a teacher, she understood TSC’s delayed payment of the first salary.

However, my girlfriend kept insisting that I had money but did not want to provide for the family. I tried to explain the situation to her but she did not believe me. Based on this and past issues, I decided to call it quits. She pleaded with me not to leave her and promised to look into her weaknesses.

Now that I had a government job, I felt stable. I remember her saying that the tears she cried because of me will one day punish me.

After getting my first salary and the arrears, I sent her the outstanding rent. She later vacated the house but did not tell me where she had moved. I started getting into illicit relationships and drinking even more. In the same year, I was interdicted on some allegations.

The following year, one of the women I had a relationship with gave birth and I was posted to another station.

Every relationship I enter into, the women always tell me that I should be with my daughter. They see an attachment that is difficult to break. They ask me to reconcile with the mother of my daughter. I have asked her to forgive me, all in vain. I seek forgiveness more because of the guilt I feel rather than in the interests of reconciliation.

She has also denied me access to our daughter and has said she will only allow me to see her if I have a court order. At one point she even sent back the money I sent her for our daughter’s upkeep. Her family hates me too. And I once dated a woman who used to cheat on me and openly told me that she is repaying what I once did to my daughters.

After coming back to my senses, I requested God to forgive me and I am sure he has. How do I re-establish a relationship with my daughter’s mother, and therefore my daughter, out of court?

Hi,

There are many reasons why this woman may have closed her heart to you. Two things stand out: the drinking that she resents, and the fact that she did not trust you around other women.

These are issues that produce insecurities and fear in a relationship. As a result, the feeling of mistrust is heightened?

With such irresponsible behaviour on your part, other insecurities in areas such as finances pop up.

You have to remember that she stood by you when you were not employed, literally giving up everything to be by your side. Then when you got a secure job, you decided to lead your life the way you wanted without considering her feelings.

The first step to healing is the recognition and acknowledgement of the extent to which your actions have caused pain in the relationship.

You must be willing to deal with this for yourself, and then for the relationship. You cannot change unless you see the need for it.

Then seek to repair the broken relationship by verbalising your shortcomings to her. Let her know that you realise that you caused her pain. Even if this relationship does not work after you seek her forgiveness, the verbalisation of your feelings will bring you freedom.

There is nothing that you can do to force this woman to forgive you. Neither is there anything you can do to force her to ask your forgiveness (we cannot rule out the fact that you were also a victim of some of her actions).

It is entirely up to her to accept your request for forgiveness and ask for your forgiveness too. But if you are still doing the same things that made her lock you out, then she may not be willing to forgive you and take you back.

It is good that you say that you are seeking her forgiveness for what it is worth and not for a reunion.

This is significant since you are not seeking this for selfish gain. A lot of time has passed since 2009 and a lot has happened in her life that could make things easier or harder.

Take time to pray for yourself and your estranged family. Make wise choices to live an honest and productive life. Make the choice to be the one who blesses others rather than just using them.