She is worldly and lazy while I am conservative, but I love her

Hi Philip,

I am 26 years old in a relationship that is about four years old now. I met my girlfriend in college as we attended some classes together and became good friends; she was and still is incredibly beautiful.

The “honeymoon” phase did not last long. Our first fight was on dressing. I had always seen a good girl behind her beauty and felt that it should be defended by not-so-secular dressing. So I offered to help her redo her wardrobe but she chose to stick to her old collection. I fought this in vain.

The second fight was on faith. My parents were of the same faith, my dad having changed to my mum’s, and I thought this was a lesson we could learn from.

I talked to her about it and suggested that she joins my faith because she clearly didn’t have that much commitment to hers. I also told her that I would be glad to join her faith if she gave me its fundamentals. She didn’t, and the fight grew bigger.

Our friends too, were an issue; she did not like most of my friends and I have never liked some of hers, one to be precise.

I cleared college almost six months ahead of her and landed a job after two weeks — it wasn’t that good, but it paid the bills. The job also came with a lot of frustration and stress, so one evening we had a light disagreement and, in anger, I lost it and hit her. I was so sorry about it and I can’t even begin to explain how it happened.

Her parents told her to walk out of the relationship. Mine too asked the same of me. But we talked, she forgave me and we got back together. Even though we were together again, I had lost all authority to question anything she did. Any time I tried to, she would ask whether I wanted to hit her again.

Then, she was offered a scholarship that had her away for a year. Frustrated by my job, and labelled a “girlfriend batterer” among peers, I was very insecure. But I somehow managed.

When she returned, things were normal for a while, then the fights started again, often, if not always, instigated by me. I like doing things right and I love it when things are put where they belong and in time. I do not mind a mistake but a repetitive one, not my cup of tea. And I have little or no time for lazy people.

God provided another job for me 13 months ago, a good one without stress or frustrations and I feel I can fully take care of someone’s daughter and myself plus two or three kids, God willing. But I am not sure about us any more.

I feel like we are living in separate worlds, chasing different lives and dreams. I want a homemaker, she presents the image of a lazy girlfriend. I want a moral reformist, she is a liberal. So, I have been trying to end things between us for some time now and start all over again, but it seems the hardest thing to do.

For instance, I am currently footing some of her bills because she’s not stable yet, and leaving it all to her really may not be a good thing; her pain is still mine though I no longer tell her this. Kindly advise.

Hi,

One can feel that you are like a time bomb waiting to explode. When a man gets to where you are in a relationship, the questions are no different, however, the two of you have been under the same roof as man and wife, sharing basically everything, but cannot take it to the next level — marriage.

When you start a relationship in this way, there is so much that builds up that may be difficult to deal with. I would think, for example, over your issue with dressing, she would be asking herself, “I am an independent woman, why should I feel tied to him.”

What I would advise you to do is to put down two lists: one for all the things you think make her “the one” and the other for all the issues that make this relationship unworkable. Look at the two lists and make a decision on what you are willing to pay the price for.

Consider what is core and fundamental to you and remember, what we value, we treasure. Ask yourselves: What things in me and him/her cannot be changed? How would these things affect our relationship? Am I ready to withstand the test that these things will present? This is how marriages are grown, deepened and matured.

If these issues can change, subject yourselves to a counselling class. There are many available in the city but if you can’t get one, let us know and we will help you.

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Philip,
I have been in a relationship for five years now. Sometime back, my girlfriend relocated to another county and promised me that she was going there with a specific goal, which we discussed, and promised to be faithful.

About four months ago, when I paid her a visit, I found funny text messages from her classmates, and she had also forwarded some my messages to them.

I felt so humiliated and when I confronted her she claimed that she was not cheating on me. Now, we don’t text each other as regularly as we used to and she often doesn’t reply my messages, takes long to do so, or just calls.

I receive so many advances from women and I turn them down because I love my girlfriend so much but I am confused. What should I do?

Hi,

I am guessing that you took time during your visit to talk about the text messages and made your case clear on the matter.

That aside, is it possible to fall in love with a person and not like their habits, practices and actions? Or maybe fall for a person who is not in it for the long haul? Maybe, but we can avoid such situations.

I suggest you evaluate what you are referring to as ‘love’. I can sense that the definition of love between the two of you is quite different.

Love is both commitment and responsibility, built on particular objectives and values. It is not mere feelings. The feelings you have are important but they are not the only gauge of love. Maybe she is not ready for the kind of commitment you want and she still wants to have a good time.

The decision whether to keep the relationship going will depend on the kind of shared value system you desire to build in the relationship. Both of you need to sit and develop these values and see whether this is the foundation you want to commit to.

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Hi,

There is a girl claiming to have my baby yet we only knew each other for two days. On the first day, we just talked and I walked her home. On the second day, as I walked her home, she said she didn’t want to because she would get into trouble with her big brother. I was with a friend and he suggested that we spend the night at his place, so we did that. That night I got intimate with the girl.

I then came back to Nairobi and went back seven moths later. She did not tell me anything about the night we spent together but I had a bad feeling about it. A moth later, I noticed she was pregnant and asked her about it. She confirmed it, saying she was eight moths pregnant and that I responsible. That same night, she had the baby. To make the matter worse, she was then in Form Four and 19 years old.

I keep thinking that that night she refused to go home, she was setting me up because I know her and she isn’t straight. Please help.

Hi,

It is a bit too late to ask if she trapped you or not. These are the consequences of getting intimate without putting much thought into it. It’s hard for me to determine whether she is lying or not.

The truth is that you had sex and it could be that the baby is yours; or she could have known she is pregnant and needed a lifeline. Maybe it will be good for you to do a DNA test. That child has a father, and you could just be the one.

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WISE COUNSEL: Having a common religion is good for your marriage

Hello Philip,

I want to ask that you advise me concerning the issue of religion in relationships; what is the position of religion in any relationship or marriage? How much, or less, does it affect both individuals plus any third party, especially when the two subscribe to different religions, and therefore different doctrines?

Also, what is the probability of success or failure of a marriage, where both parties have been staying together for some time, at least six months, and doing all, including making love?

Otieno

As much as faith is regarded as a personal choice, and private for that matter, religion plays a major role in shaping peoples beliefs and practices.

Since marriage is more than an agreement on a piece of paper to a covenant that requires an intimate sharing of emotions and deep disclosures, issues such as shared religion play an important role.

Statistics in America have shown that couples in inter-faith marriages are “three times more likely to be divorced or separated than those who were in same-religion marriages.”This is may be because of the perspective the religion they prescribe has on roles in marriage, permanence of marriage and family expectations.

We live in a multicultural and multi-religious society where some may argue that religious differences should not be a cause for concern, but this is not necessarily true. On the other hand, to suggest that religious difference always erect insurmountable barriers is equally untrue.

As a result, religious difference must be evaluated, addressed and negotiated thoughtfully by each partner if the couple wants the relationship to evolve into a permanent union.

Religious identification goes beyond personal practice to training the children to practice that religion while building family values, practices and traditions based on it. Dating or newly wed couples may not wish to admit that religious difference matter, some may even argue that love conquers all, but an agreement on values and principles of are hinged on one’s faith.

Where one partner may choose to convert to the other’s religion, this action is likely to encourage harmony, but only when the conversion is undertaken not simply for manipulation, convenience or to please the other partner, but with a genuine conviction to build oneness.

Although several researches on family support the notion that religious unity affords greater stability to marriages, not everyone finds the love of their life at church. Therefore, understanding your partners religious inclination is key in knowing what drives them in life.

Social and professional circles foster contact with a great diversity of people who come from a variety of religious backgrounds. Communication and a genuine desire to treat each other with respect in every area of their life including religion is key.

On your second question, I am a believer of waiting until marriage. This helps to build in each one of us the fruit of self-control that seems to lack greatly today.

We live in a consumer society where everything must be ready now. Today, relationships exist without the virtues of patience, long-suffering and endurance. It is in waiting that these virtues are matured in us. As we wait, we are able to see with new eyes everyday.

Also, people who part before marriage and have not been living together tend to have less emotional baggage as compared to those who shared everything together.

Self-control learned before marriage is easier to practice in marriage than when trying to learn it afresh in marriage.