Are you dating an insecure man? What you need to know

On the surface, men portray an impenetrable shield of courage, strength, and confidence. They show great emotional, physical, and financial wherewithal. However, beneath these attributes, there are insecurities ranging from financial, physical appearance, and sexual prowess. According to psychotherapist Dr. Gerald Stein, insecurity in your man may be suggested by his hesitation to ask for a favour or his inability to say no. “Anticipation of disapproval is the motivator for insecurity. By contrast, a secure man will not believe his relationships or self-value are dependent upon going along with another person’s wishes,” he says.

The appealing insecure man: According to Dr. Joseph Nowinski, a psychologist and the author of The Tender Heart: Conquering your Insecurity, insecure men can be ideal candidates to date or even marry. This is especially so for women who are coming out of relationships with narcissistic men. “He may seem appealing, sensitive, and caring. You’ll think he really wants to make it work,” he says. “However, an insecure man can be a bottomless pit that will drain you of every drop of love you have to share,” he says.

The source: According to Dr. Nowinski, while some men will be so insecure that it will be impossible to have a relationship with them, others will have irregular forms of insecurities that are normal and manageable. “Every relationship will have bits of insecurity every now and then. The problem is when insecurity goes beyond reason. Avoid taking responsibility for his insecurity, either by changing your lifestyle to accommodate it or to quell it,” he says. “His insecurities won’t begin because you have started dating; they were in him way before you met.”

Physical Appearance:  Insecurities triggered by physical appearance are common where the woman is taller than the man or in cases where the man thinks he does not have the right size inside his trousers. Sexual prowess is a major concern for most men. “Every man wants to feel confident that he is able to satisfy the woman in his life sexually. Any feeling that he is not measuring up can send him into an endless spin,” says psychologist Patrick Musau.

Comparative analysis: Comparative analysis of him and your exes will become a regular feature in your relationship. This can be a source of trouble if the exes appear to be doing better than him or if they seem to be physically more fit than him. To keep the relationship going, reassure him that he is above board in looks, finances, and sexual performance. According to psychologist James Kweli, having to reassure him all the time can leave you emotionally drained that you end up developing disdain and disrespect for him.

The Past: Your man’s insecure behavior might be fueled by his past dating experiences. For instance, if he was a victim of infidelity in his previous relationships, he may be haunted by the thought that you may decide to cheat on him as well. According to Kweli, this will make him look for possible triggers in a bid to nip any possibility of infidelity in the bud. “What follows is a strain of accusations and conscious or sub-conscious demands for reassurance that leads to low trust levels and weakens the foundation on which your relationship is standing,” he says. When your man is too insecure, you may find yourself feeling insecure as he projects his own insecurities on you.