We thank KCPE 2023 students for saving Uhuru’s farm from being invaded again

Golden Elite School Kisumu County celebrating their top candidate in the school, May Maggy Sunday

Teachers and parents at Golden Elite School Kisumu County celebrating their top candidate in the school, May Maggy Sunday who scored 420 marks in KCPE.

Photo credit: Elizabeth Ojina | Nation Media Group

What you need to know:

  • Any child of a hustler who has problems with their KCPE marks should join the others in asking for more marks.
  • The KCPE 2023 petition should bring to an end the controversial debate on whether the hustler government entertains criticism of any form.

The hustler government wishes to sincerely thank all parents of KCPE 2023 candidates who have gone to court to ask for their rightful harvest, when they had the option of wearing sufurias on their heads and marching to the Kenya National Examinations Council (KNEC) offices to ask everyone inside there to come out of hiding so they can inhale teargas together.

The parents might know it now, but failing to call for a street protest has not only saved Uhuru Kenyatta’s farm from being invaded again, but has also bought the Deputy President’s photographer a little more sleep time. Had everything gone the way the public expected, the poor guy would now be waking up every day before 4am to go take pictures of files that were last opened before Jesus went to be with His Father.

For trusting the courts with their grievance, the aggrieved parents have proved to the whole country that the hustler government has been consistent with its promise to create jobs in the judiciary in line with our bottom up economic transformation agenda. We urge other hustlers to take up the cue from these gallant parents and children who have avoided taking matters into their own hands and followed due process as required by the law.

When we finally brought down the Bible at the Kasarani Stadium slightly more than a year ago, we made a solemn promise to all hustlers that our government will witness a marked departure from the previous one that was run by children of dynasty who neither believed in God nor cared about children of hustlers. For that reason alone, we are excited to announce that any child of a hustler who has problems with their KCPE marks should join the others in asking for more marks.

Unlike our competitors who don’t believe in God and carried themselves around like they knew everything, the hustler government acknowledges that those marking exams are humans who are prone to error and may have sent to us exam results which required to be washed in the blood of Jesus before the official announcement date.

KCPE 2023 court case

That is why we have given a 30 day window period for affected students to write to us with specific marks they would have wanted us to award them and surely goodness and mercy shall follow their amended results slips all the days of their lives.

We’d also like to thank the short message service provider we contracted to carry the KCPE results to the phones of our parents, for taking a little more time with the confirmation message. The Bible says in the Book of James 5:7, that good things come to those who wait and even those though the wait for the results weren’t good in the eyes of many of our parents, there’s only one opinion that matters to us at the end of this patience window, and that is the opinion of God.

We will wait for the State House intercessors who speak to God directly to file a response to the KCPE 2023 court case – it is the affidavit of the respondents that we shall use to ask the court if they’re really sure that they’d want to dispute the opinion of God through His prophets that He Himself chose for us during last year’s elections.

We have seen the lawyers for the aggrieved parties accusing the hustler government of killing the future of our children by awarding them KCPE marks the children did not deserve. This is a grave accusation that we will not take lying down.

Indeed, we would like to present it to the entire country that the hustler government campaigned on the promise of protecting all forms of life and we would be the last people to preside over government policy that brings pain to those who will vote for us in 2027.

Moreover, it is our sincere hope that this KCPE 2023 petition brings to an end the controversial debate on whether the hustler government entertains criticism of any form. By parading their children in front of the courtroom to address the government the way they like, those parents and their lawyers have helped demonstrate to the general public that unlike our competitors who do not believe in God, the hustler government will never kidnap those who criticize it, bundle them in the boot of a Subaru Outback for deliver to dark room where they would be touched in soft places by government officers who don’t have professional massage license.

Credibility of KCPE results

On behalf of the hustler government, we wish to take this earliest opportunity to warn those going around the media accusing us of applying double standards when it comes to pronouncing ourselves on the credibility of final results from our independent constitutional bodies, as there is no correlation between examination results and election results whatsoever.

For the avoidance of doubt, in 2022, the Independent Electoral and Boundaries Commission (IEBC) conducted the freest and fairest election ever in the history of Kenya and this has been confirmed by none other than the United States Ambassador to Kenya herself.

We take this earliest opportunity to thank IEBC Chair Emeritus Wafula Chebukati, for refusing to be dragged into the discussion surrounding the credibility of the KCPE 2023 exam results. We urge him, together with his other retired Commissioners, to keep up with the same spirit of not commenting on matters that do not concern them.

It’s disheartening that as the country is gearing up for the 60th independence anniversary celebrations, we still have people who are preoccupied with discussing the believability of our national elections and exam results, when other countries are already discussing who will be president in 2032.