A petition to rename National Tree-Planting Day into Hustler Mourning Day: Let’s do it!

 William Ruto

President William Ruto (right) and Finance PS Chris Kiptoo during Kaptagat Forest annual tree planting campaign in Elgeyo Marakwet on July 1, 2023.

Photo credit: Jared Nyataya | Nation Media Group

The hustler government wishes to send its sincere appreciation to all hustlers who braved the chilly weather, acrophobia, and per diem resistance to make it to their nearest airport to board a standby government chopper to go take pictures with seedlings of tree varieties they knew nothing about.

At a time when the government is finding it difficult to find patriotic Kenyans who can support the high cost of living with their chests out, you, my fellow tree planters, are our national heroes.

We also wish to pay special tribute to the not-so-young innovators who came up with a technological solution to capture the data of all those who were happy to share their photos planting trees, through the ‘Jaza Miti’ mobile application.

In the fullness of time, the Office of the Data Protection Commissioner will be glad to ensure that Woldcoin and other global data mining companies will not be able to compete with the hustler government in mining individual data again.

Hustlers who have a smartphone and could not afford internet bundles to upload their photos on the app are encouraged to wait for the Cabinet Secretary for ICT and Digital Economy to finish hosting UDA Party rejects next to his grandfather’s gravesite, and he will attend to you shortly. 

As for those who do not have a smartphone at all and are wondering if they could upload pictures through a short text messaging platform, we wish to remind you that when we said this government was for hustlers, we did not mean you should keep using stone tools just to prove to foreign tourists that Kenya is still the cradle of mankind.

Since the Monday, when we planted those hundreds of millions of orphaned trees now lonely in the wilderness, the hustler government has been receiving numerous enquiries from concerned conservationists asking what will happen to the seedlings when it stops raining and the wet weather conditions turn dry and hot before the brittle stems assume strength needed to last them a lifetime of structural support.

We have since contacted your favourite God-chosen president who also doubles up as a climate change expert, and we have good news for you.

Earlier in the year, the hustler government did urge all Kenyans embarking on any tree planting exercise to ensure they commit the flailing seedlings in deep prayer and fasting first, before sinking their roots into the soil, because when you have God by your side, any act of the devil – including water scarcity – should be the least of worries to those who believe faith can move mountains and Rachel can convert salty Karen water into the spring of life. 

The hustler government was chosen by God and any agents of the devil, including our 2022 competitors, will be beaten horizontally, diagonally, vertically, and orthogonally when you speak in tongues without losing your breath. 

Moreover, water scarcity is not something new to Kenyans, and any tree growing up in this country should have understood that by now.

The hustler government wishes to urge all trees that were planted during last week’s holiday to take their precious time and speak to their colleagues who have been living in Kenya since they were born, the challenges they go through to clean the air for government liars to breathe easy after the sinful act, and the lifesaving tips for survival during these difficult economic times where trees are at risk of dying prematurely to go warm those who cannot afford kerosene at home.

When Interior Cabinet Secretary Kithure Kindiki announced that there was going to be a national holiday dedicated to digging holes and giving tree seedlings a chance to be washed by El Nino water, many hustlers shot up in anger asking why all of a sudden the new hustler government developed an undying love for trees more than those who braved ridicule and mockery to put them into office.

They asked why their God-chosen government has never come up with a Hustler Day to remember those whose lives have been lost in the line of duty defending a regime that has thrown those who voted for them under the bus at the expense of recycled old hands whom they were told were children of dynasty and who deserved to be sent to go fry doughnuts inside a disused saucepan in faraway Bondo.

They argued that a Hustler Day would’ve been more befitting – a day set aside to take stock of the old lies that were told to them during the heat of the 2022 campaigns, evaluate the opportunities that exist for more lies, and to help the struggling government come up with new lies that would see them through this difficult time that there is a breakdown of public trust in our God chosen government of honest men and prayerful women who have since gone into hiding since the cost of living started speaking in the empty tithe boxes at their favourite praise and worship venues.

A Hustler Day would not be any other day. It will be a day of song and dance in the El Nino rain, strumming musical instruments and thanking God for answering our prayers for a cruel, vindictive, and unforgiving government who recite the Lord’s Prayer before every government meeting before proceeding to fire those who supported their opponents in the last elections and replacing them with government shareholders whose only qualification is their ability to recite a Bible verse.

On that day – if it’s gets into the gazette – hustlers will be required to put on their Sunday best outfits made out of newspaper prints bearing the iconic image of their God-chosen president on the pulpit bowing his head to cry uncontrollably against the customary requirement of an upright traditional African man, while being comforted by the Intercessor-In-Chief (I-I-C), who also doubles up as the Official State House spokesperson in tongues. 

The careful choice of that legendary picture is meant to instil a sense of pride in humble beginnings against the advice of those who claim that there is nothing worth celebrating about hawking chicken by the roadside and walking barefoot through hilly terrain to premature school.

If we get to commemorate Hustler Day, all those who voted for our favourite God-chosen government and who are yet to receive their fair share of government shares will be required to line up at their nearest government office with their degree certificates, ready for deployment to go push wheelbarrows at affordable housing construction sites as they wait for their reward to be in heaven when Jesus returns to judge those who supported the devil and his mother-in-law in the 2022 elections.