Governors must stop shouting about El Nino funds, find something else to do

When State House intercessors organised a massive prayer rally at the Nyayo Stadium during the first leg our presidency, many of our competitors who don’t believe in God held a press conference to laugh at us for wasting government resources in advancing religious extremism instead of investing in meteorological sciences.

Back then, they had argued that making rain is a careful scientific process that has nothing to do with an Almighty God sitting with a wand to brew clouds like magic in the movies. We told them to put their eyes and see the wonders of the Lord, and guess who’s laughing now.

We wish to thank prayer warriors who supported the hustler government when the ground was hostile and their faith was under scrutiny. It has not been easy being mocked for believing in a God that can deliver more rain than we asked for without discrimination on tribal, gender and religious lines. If ever there was doubt that rains come from heaven and not trees, El Nino answered prayers is our response to those children of dynasties.

On behalf of the Director-General of the Kenya Meteorological Department, the hustler government wishes to apologise on behalf of our critics for casting doubt on the power of prayer to deliver above average rainfall to our farmers who had been apprehensive about the lack of water for their crops and livestock that have been moving from place to place in search of the precious drink that prayers have made God to give us for free.

When we made a promise that in the first year of the hustler government we will set in motion the plan to migrate from rain-fed agriculture to a more sustainable irrigation method, many critics went around the country poisoning the minds of our supporters that we were lying to them.

They did not know that flood is one of the tried-and-tested irrigation methods and for which we are currently delivering to our farmers with the answered El Nino.

We would like to encourage our critics in Azimio to call for a press conference and apologise to State House intercessors for questioning their spiritual powers to speak to God directly in the matter of delivering rains in quantities that has shocked everyone.

We hope the El Nino rains have convinced those who did not believe in God to re-evaluate their choices in life and start walking in the light because the Bible is right that when you see the emergence of the anti-Christ taking root in the minds of our people as to question whether God truly exists, then you know these are the end times.

In the same vein, we like to extend a word of encouragement to civil servants working in critical agencies tasked with coming up with El Nino mitigation plans and who have received the greatest public backlash from their lack of response to the El Nino menace currently sweeping the country like a broom.

Our message to them is simple: they should keep holding lunch time prayers in their boardrooms and trust in God to give them wisdom to be patient for a miracle.

Indeed, the hustler government was overwhelmingly voted into office, based on their devotion to prayer and the belief in a higher power.

If the formulae isn’t broken, there is no need to fix it.

There are many governance experts who have been hopping from one media house to the next asking intelligent questions on what happened to the billions of taxpayer’s money allocated to the National Disaster Management Authority (NDMA) is this year’s budget that was meant to come in handy in critical times of disasters.

They have gone further to accuse the national government emergency response agencies for sleeping on the job, as if it’s even scientifically possible to sleep when you’re watching your only means of travel being washed away by floods as you wait for your standby helicopter to evacuate you to safer grounds.

The hustler government stands with Deputy President Rigathi Gachagua in his confirmation this week that since we found an empty treasury when we took over office, the hustler government still has no money to help flood victims calling our switchboards with distress messages because all the money that was allocated to the Executive branch in this year’s budget was meant to facilitate government officers in flying around the world taking pictures in cool foreign destinations to thank God for answering their prayers to be Kenya’s number one government shareholders, and to buy high resolution cameras to take photos with for our media handles so that Kenyans can know that we know they’ve been affected by El Nino rains, even though we cannot do anything about their situation.

When we promised that the hustler government will level the playing field so that children of hustlers who had never been on a plane before could also live like children of dynasty, many of our critics laughed at us for being ambitious without realiSing that we already mapped out where we would find the money for the lavish lifestyle of our government hustlers.

It is our firm belief that our officers at the NDMA also deserve to live well and earn their keep commensurate with the struggles they went through to acquire the positions.

Since the hustler government took office slightly more than a year ago, we have had problems with creating equal opportunities for all Kenyans to qualify to serve their country because our jobs are reserved for shareholders.

In effect, much of the budget at our parastatals, state agencies, and departments have been set aside for paying salaries, hefty allowances in order for our officers to say sorry to their bodies for withstanding the torturous terrain of tarmacking for the jobs they hold.

Any loose change that remains after softening the lives of our civil servants can only be used to organise capacity building workshops for them to improve on their professional capacity to know which development partners we can collaborate with so as to receive more money for travelling abroad.

Those county government officers who have been making noise of neglect asking for the national government to share with them the Sh10 billion that was set aside for El Nino mitigation are better advised to find valuable use of their begging time, because we’re not the only ones who were blessed with El Nino funds.

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