River Nanyuki
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Blame the raging floods on the gods, the State has nothing to do but pray about it

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Motorists and pedestrians were stranded for nearly an hour after River Nanyuki burst its banks and rendered the bridge connecting Nanyuki and Timau impassable. 

Photo credit: File | Nation Media Group

Flood victims should wait for Benny Hinn to pray for them to walk on water.

The hustler government wishes to inform Kenyans that our government switchboard has lately been clogged with wailing sounds of people claiming to be government shareholders, asking for help from their government whom they claim has abandoned them immediately we brought the Bible down at Kasarani Stadium more than one and half years ago.

On behalf of the God-chosen government, we wish to clarify that never in our 2022 election campaigns did we ever promise to buy land for the resettlement of flood victims. Neither did we sign a service charter with affected families to rescue them within two hours of flood waters knocking at their doors.

We would like to inform Kenyans that the hustler government has conducted an initial assessment of the flood situation and our spiritual experts have arrived at the conclusion that this is the work of the devil. As a result, we urge Kenyans not to panic, as we are assembling the largest faith diplomacy team to ever walk the face of the Earth.

If you know you have the capacity to bite your lips while speaking in tongues, you’re kindly invited to get in touch with the nearest office of the First Lady so that we can take your name down and invite you for this super mega revival crusade that will see flood victims finally receive the spiritual powers to walk on water as they go about their duties.

When we put down the Bible, we made a promise to the country that the hustler government would be the government that will eventually return this country to the body of Christ after being ruled by sons and daughters of dynasty who never knew God and put their trust in science.

Since we took office, we placed prayers at the core of every government policy, and the results are everywhere for all to see. When the shilling was dancing dangerously around the pit latrine hole, we prayed for it to quit alcohol and go back home. We saved the country billions in forex losses while making our foreign debts cheaper in the long run.

The Bible says, in the Book of Proverbs, that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom – it prolongs your days, while the years of the wicked shall be shortened.

Before the hustler government came to power, this country was run by evildoers who neither recognised the role of prayers in making ends meet nor acknowledged the power of Benny Hinn to cast out demons and make you fall in tears.

They run the country based purely on evidence-based research and peer-reviewed scientific data. When asked why they did not run the country on prayers, vibes and inshallah; they reminded us that the only thing they feared was hot porridge and electricity.

We would like to inform hustlers not to listen to the Kenya Meteorological Department because we know rains come from heaven and our State House intercessors have been bestowed with divine powers to pray for the floodwaters to go and wash away sins of citizens of other African countries and leave us alone.

We no longer need any spiritual reminder in the form of the seven plagues for us to release suffering Kenyans from bondage and let them walk to the promised land.

The hustler government already constituted a multi-agency emergency response committee drawn that will be in charge of distributing food and non-food items and providing shelter to flood victims as we wait for the national prayer committee to get their budget approved so that we can invite Benny Hinn back to the country to lead the nation in praying for the floods to stop going to people’s homes when the government already set aside the Indian Ocean for it to go find rest there.

On behalf of hustlers, we would like to thank our Faith Diplomacy Department US Branch, for always answering our call for help with American evangelists whenever our country is visited by demonic spirits. The Bible says, in Proverbs 29:2, that when goodly people are in authority, the people rejoice. But when the wicked are in power, the people mourn.

While we cannot deny that Kenyans are mourning, we would like to assure those asking whether we are a government of Godly people, to kindly be patient with us as we oversee another natural calamity in the spirit of testing the faith of Kenyans just like Job in the Bible.

We wish to inform hustlers sleeping on rooftops not to panic because these natural calamities are normal continuous assessment tests that the Lord is using to gauge the level of preparedness of Kenyans to survive the consequences of their electoral choices as we embark on the UDA grassroots elections that begun yesterday.

On behalf of the Wheelbarrow Party that sent us to State House, we would like to inform Mama Mboga and Boda Bodas who are yet to register as members of UDA to kindly take advantage of the small window remaining and do so. Those who are yet to belong to our party are advised to move to leave their homes and move to higher grounds.

Our members would be excited to learn that the party has procured sophisticated digital tools from globally acclaimed IT solutions providers comprising of enough tablets to help them swim through the raging waters on their way to the polling stations to vote for their preferred candidates whom they would like to take turns in praying for more floods as we wait for the second return of the Kenya Kwanza government in 2027.