Applaud Finland scandal perpetrators for helping the government fight brain drain
Angry parents and students who paid millions of shillings to the Uasin Gishu County government in the aborted airlift education program have denied claims that they were refunded some Sh68million under the controversial study deal with Finnish and Canadian universities, putting the county leadership on the spot. They staged protests in Eldoret town on Tuesday, August 8.
It has come to the notice of the hustler government that a section of Kenyans have been asking why our God chosen president has remained quiet on the small matter of the Finland scholarship scandal in his home county, yet he has a PhD in staying up all night gathering intel on what’s happening in every village in Kenya.
While we can neither confirm nor deny that the president is aware that his fellow villagers have been crying in the toilet since being conned off their hard-earned sweat, we wish to warn the affected parents and students to refrain from threatening him with dire consequences if he doesn’t sit down with them for bilateral talks.
The hustler government wishes to assure our supporters that there will be no handshake, and those demonstrating on the streets of Eldoret should prepare to face us in 2027 instead of wasting their time sponsoring violence.
The hustler government has no doubt taken notice of the personal sacrifice by Uasin Gishu parents to gift their children the best education money can buy.
However, we wish to remind our supporters that the hustler nation was voted on the platform of believing in God and anyone who sells ancestral property to take their children abroad does not believe in God’s ability to provide, and will be summoned to the Office of the State House Intercessor to explain why we shouldn’t send them to join Pastor Mackenzie and his followers in jail for belonging to a cult.
Indeed, we agree with the victims of the scholarship fraud that education has lifted many hustlers out of poverty by offering them unlimited opportunities to better their lot in life.
This is precisely why the hustler government has been wondering why anyone would be unhappy when a few hustlers at the County Government of Uasin Gishu start feeling good upon stumbling upon loose change from the scholarship fund.
We thank the political brains behind the Uasin Gishu airlift programme for successfully having a complicated relationship with hustlers’ money. There are many children of dynasty who would’ve loved to also steal in the name of the Lord, but they lost elections in 2022 and are currently glued on their driveways for the sighting of a Subaru Outback with foreign number plates coming to check on how they’ve been doing.
The hustler government wishes to commend the young people of Uasin Gishu who have used this adversity positively to discover their hidden talents. Had they not lost their money in the hands of smarter hustlers, many of them wouldn’t have known they’re better at articulating the hustler government manifesto on national TV better than many Cabinet Secretaries who have been giving the president heartburn. When the president is ready to rid his cabinet off the accumulating deadwood, he now has a young pool of articulate Kenyans confident in front of the cameras and ready to lead the hustler nation into the promised Finland of milk and honey.
The hustler nation supports the County Government hustlers who had a relationship with the scholarship money because they have finally managed to find a foolproof method of stopping Kenya’s best brains from leaving the country for greener pastures abroad. The hustler government promised to come up with policies that puts an end to the perennial scourge of brain drain, and any person, or group of persons, working towards the achievement of this promise will be fully supported. In any case, this country is going nowhere so there is no need for anyone to leave it.
Exactly one year ago, hustlers went to the polls and voted for those who campaigned on the promise to kick out children of dynasty from draining this country to the dogs. We wanted a country of Mama Mboga and Boda Boda hustlers, and no one who can afford one million shillings to take their children abroad qualify to belong to this category of hustlers. The hustler nation, therefore, would like to ask those complaining of their lost millions to clarify whether they still belong to the hustler nation because their bank accounts are sending us mixed signals.
We have also asked our God chosen president not to comment on this matter even when most of the affected students are from his county of birth, for two reasons. One, the president is currently busy distributing rice and beef stew to UDA shareholders in the Mt Kenya region. When we gave Deputy President Rigathi Gachagua the responsibility of eradicating alcoholism in Mt Kenya, never in our wildest dreams did we know the medicine for alcohol addiction could be found in plain rice and watery soup.
Moreover, and most importantly, the president has always made it clear that he does not intend to interfere with the running of counties. Our forefathers fought for the 2010 Constitution to see Governors eat from the sweat of their brow and our president has no intention of denying them their hard-earned harvest.
For those imploring upon the County Government of Uasin Gishu to refund all the monies to their rightful owners, we have news for you. Only the money in contention can clear the air in whose hands they feel safe, and until it develops a sense of speech and clarifies to whom it belongs, the hustler government will switch channels and watch the new premier league season instead.
However, in the unlikely event that those who had a relationship with the scholarship money are arrested, the hustler nation will petition the president to exercise his power of mercy as given to him in law.
The hustler government, therefore, wishes to advise those protesting on the streets of Eldoret to take advantage of the subsidised fertilizers and go protest in their farms while turning the soil upside down. Wearing sufurias on your heads and blowing blue whistles on the streets will not lower the cost of living, neither will it return your Finland money.
It is for this reason that the hustler nation are asking the Directorate of Criminal Investigations (DCI) to take as much time with the Finland scholarship complaint as they can. Ever since we fired that Kinoti man, we have embarked on taking time with investigations for fear of getting another Director of Public Prosecutions (DPP) who will accuse us of using the criminal justice system to go after our political enemies. If hustlers have been patiently waiting for the return of Jesus Christ for 2023 years now, they surely can wait for 100 years for the Finland scholarship case to be concluded.
