Walk away from that abusive marriage! There is no shame

During a recent chat with a colleague regarding domestic violence, he said his grandmother never experienced domestic violence at the hands of his grandfather. I wonder how many grandmothers have similar testimonies.

You see years back, domestic violence was normalised. In fact, there is a joke that if your husband never beat you up, he did not love you. I have also had conversations with men who say disciplining a woman is the only way to stop her from her ‘nagging’. The nerve!

Patriarchal norms that were deeply rooted in Africa and viewed women as subordinate, thrive to date. It allowed men to justify violence as “disciplining” wives. The sad thing is that the victims suffered in silence. Apparently, intervening in “family matters” was socially unacceptable.

Domestic violence, which affects women the most, is a sad, but inescapable reality in our society. Then there is the stigma to admitting that one is in a violent relationship. The vice typically happens behind closed doors, and is often a dark secret no one acknowledges. Even though those conversations need to take place, no one wants to talk about it.

Psychological trauma

The statistics of this abhorrent scourge continues to haunt communities. And the statistics are staggering - one in three women worldwide, experience violence, mostly by an intimate partner. In Kenya, 39 per cent of ever-married women have been victims. These are not just numbers, but real human beings – our mothers, sisters, daughters, and friends – who end up suffering psychological trauma, physical injuries, and far too often, death.

We can’t turn a blind eye and dismiss this as a “family matter”.  Children learn from their parents, if they see violence in their homes, they think it is the only way to resolve disputes.

According to the UN, domestic abuse is a human rights violation. The Sustainable Development Goals, adopted by all UN member states including Kenya, explicitly call for the elimination of all forms of violence against women and girls.

The Constitution of Kenya too, provides that every person has the right to freedom and security, including the right not to be subjected to any form of violence.

The bitter truth, however, is that laws are not enough. We need an earthshattering cultural and societal shift. For far too long, patriarchal norms have given domestic abusers the twisted justification of “disciplining” their wives. This deplorable mind-set must end.

Young mother

Imagine this. A young mother, her spirit crushed by the weight of her partner's violence, but hides her bruises behind a smile. This is not fiction but a stark reality faced by millions of women in Kenya and beyond. However, women trapped in abuse need not suffer in silence. Financial constraints, societal stigma, or fears of abandoning your children should not be the bars of a woman’s self-made prison. No circumstances, however dire, warrant enduring any kind of abuse.  

No one should be suppressed by cultural conditioning that demands they “preserve the family at all costs”. There is no shame in walking away to protect your very life.

To me, men who inflict harm on their spouses are cowardly bullies who dishonour their very manhood. Real men will embrace their families with love and respect– and if need be simply walk away. Make the choice to be better human beings. 

Need I say men too, have recently become victims? Domestic violence has no place in our society. To shatter this cycle, society needs to invest in education that reshapes patriarchal attitudes. Survivors voices must be amplified and judicial systems must be efficient. Ultimately, each of us must take personal accountability to purge this evil.

Have a violent free weekend, won’t you?

[email protected]