Was I wrong to tell my husband his mouth stinks?

Hi Zulu

In the spirit of making our marriage open and free, I let my husband know that he has mouth odour and even suggested some tips to deal with it like chewing gum and brushing twice a day.

The smell didn’t bother me, but I just wanted him to know about it. Since that day, he stiffens when I try to kiss him and is quite self-conscious when speaking close to me.  How do I  fix this?​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Your question touches on hygiene, personal pride or ego, emotional intelligence, and, most importantly, personal growth.

Let's begin with hygiene. This is one subject that's a silent deal breaker in many unions.

When we get married, our bodies become one item of enjoyment in our union. But what if that item is poorly maintained and gives off repulsive smells in several areas? You may try to ignore it, but it will be like ignoring a dead fly in your soup. It sits there and reduces your appetite whether you like it or not.

You may say that the smell didn't bother you, and perhaps you were helping him to improve for his own benefit. Truly love covers a multitude of sins, but it also hopes that those sins won't go on forever.

Body odours can be caused by poor hygiene and also by other issues like bacterial infections.

Did you know that not visiting the washroom frequently enough can cause body odours? When your kitchen trash can is full to the brim, it's very easy for the kitchen to stink. It's the same with our biological trash can. Many people suppress going to the toilets, especially when they're away from their house, and they don't trust the washrooms out there. Nutritionists recommend visiting the washroom as many times as you take meals to make sure nothing is building up inside and giving off petrifying odours.

In short, there was no way you weren't going to bring up this issue. You didn't do anything wrong.

The next point is how you brought the issue up. The way we do something matters more than the thing itself. Did you frame it lovingly and in an environment of openness, or did you say it in a manner that sounded combative and critical?

You should reflect back and then proceed as follows.

If you did it lovingly and sensitively, you have nothing to correct. You just need to help him get over himself and change what needs to be changed. Marriage requires the ability to self-reflect and take suggestions from your partner positively.

But if you discover that you unintentionally made it sharp and pointed, you should apologise for the way you put it. You shouldn't apologise for the fact of the smell because it still stands there unaddressed.

If you let these seemingly small issues go unaddressed for long, they'll become more and more irritating, and they can make you lose attraction to a person. You will love their personality but lose physical attraction to them, which makes the relationship flat and logistical.

Happy relationships involve uncomfortable conversations, and you shouldn't lie otherwise to your person.

You're setting a precedent now, and if you back down, it'll be impossible to bring up other uncomfortable conversations in the future. You'll be forced to suppress your feelings and endure it, making you silently resentful. Then you'll start exploding on small triggers, or you'll find yourself moving farther and farther away from the person.

Sometimes, people take jobs that are thousands of kilometres away from their partner because it has become very painful being in the same house. Yet it all begins with such small issues as this.

The other elephant in the room is your man's openness to self-improvement and personal growth.

They don't teach this enough in schools, but growth is mandatory for anyone who wants a happy life and a happy marriage. Life is always on the move, and so must we.

We can't afford to remain grounded in ego and defensiveness, yet we want to experience life and love. You need a person who has enough humility to take correction without taking offence all the time.

You need a person who doesn't take themselves so seriously that they're bruised every time they're given negative feedback.

Growth itself is a cocktail of mistakes and misses. Anyone who can't get over their perfectionism and swallow their pride to say, 'I will work on that' and mean it, is not ready for any serious union.

Do not underrate this matter, or else it will weigh you down with time.

Remember how a person handles one thing determines how they'll handle everything.

You can't work with an attitude of, 'That's who I am. Take me as I come.' You need a person who says, 'Oops! Thank you for that feedback. Let me work on that.'

Remember that you also need this person to help you grow in your blind spots.

The most important outcome of marriage is helping each other to grow.

If your partner continues behaving weirdly, you should book a counselling session and table this matter for discussion there. You need to get to the root of it because, remember, it's not just an isolated issue you're tackling. You're establishing a precedent and setting a bar for future issues.