Woes of settling for a low-grade spouse

Dear Zulu

My husband got into the habit of drinking all his money until eventually he was sacked, and now he can’t support me and our child. He calls me names and accuses me of seeing him as a useless man. I am embarrassed to go anywhere with him.

He has rebelled against God and accuses Him of being responsible for his misfortunes.

He has made no effort to get another job, all he does is drink and rant. I fear for our safety around him. My parents are aware of this situation and have been urging me to go back home with my child.

When I married him, I hoped we would never separate or divorce. I am angry and bitter with him for wasting my life this way. He demands that we get a second baby, and yet he can’t even care for himself let alone the first child we have. What do I do?

You settled for a very low-grade life. You made the mistake of looking for love before looking for life itself.

You skipped the part of life where you, during your single days, should have decided that you want a quality life with or without a man.

Had you made that decision, you'd have developed yourself to a place where you can afford that decent life for yourself. But now, in the absence of that decision, you're at the mercy of a very irresponsible man.

You didn't mention your age, but you appear to be in your first third of life - around 30 years - which means you can still start afresh and catch up with the seasons of life.

Age matters in life because it shows how much time you have remaining in your years of energy. Age is not just a number. Numbers are measurements of real things. If the numbers on your heart rate or blood pressure go too far off, your life will be in danger.

This man is on a downward spiral, and if you don't jump out of his ship, he will sink with you.

You have only one child, which means you're still very light of foot. You can move around and hustle with that child. You can do business, take up employment, or attend a course.

But the man wants you to add a child, why? Two reasons. He already knows that he's not providing the leadership you need, and you may quit at any time. But if he can pressure you into getting another child, you'll be stuck there with him for a longer time. Starting over with two children is ten times harder than having only one.

The second reason is his dysfunctional way of thinking. He can't make good decisions for his life, and that's the same thinking he brings to the issue of the child.

Whenever you submit to faulty authority, you'll be misled and crushed. It's good to be submissive to your husband, but first choose a husband worth submitting to.

About calling you names, why is this tolerable to you? Why did you put up with it the first time? There's a problem with your self-esteem. When you're healthy psychologically, you can't stomach a person insulting you even once.

You generally accept the level of self-respect from others that matches with how much you respect yourself.

Get psychological therapy and understand where you learnt to be called mean names is somewhat normal.

Why does he say that you see him as a useless man? To gaslight you into silence so that you don't call him to account. He knows he's behaving like a useless man, and he pre-empts you from saying it to make you feel guilty and avoid the subject. It's a psychological game.

About blaming God for his misfortunes and putting no effort to find another job, these are classical traits of victim mentality. A person who does nothing to improve their situation while blaming everyone else except themselves for their situation.

The fact that they're not taking responsibility for where they are is a communication that they have no plan of changing. So stop referencing to going home and then coming back when they change. A person's present attitude is the most accurate prophesy of their tomorrow. There's nothing new coming from this man, and his attitude clearly shows that.

You refer to going back to your parents' home, and that's another mistake. You won't feel comfortable there either. You've outgrown that space, and you won't fit anymore. You can station there for a few days as you prepare, but you cannot settle there.

As a woman, you should always have the ability to survive in the world by yourself. When marriage fails, you shouldn't go back to your parents' home. You should go to your own life. Rent a house and live. It's perfectly okay, and it's the way of dignified women.

Parents can support you during hard times, but you should avoid involving them in your marital issues for two reasons. One, they have obvious conflict of interest. You're their child, and they can't be emotionally neutral. For unbiased advice, always consult professionals like licensed counsellors and life coaches.

Secondly, parents may be experienced in marriage life, but there's a huge generational gap between you and them. There are many nuances to modern life that they may not understand and, as a result, they can mislead you even when they mean well.

Never gather a clan to hear your issues. You may resolve the issue or move past it, but the relatives won't. They'll always see each of you in light of that problem. You'll also have opened a loophole for them to snoop on your marriage on the pretext of following up on that issue.

What about making resolutions that you don't want separation or divorce? Desiring permanence is natural. But insuring yourself against the fallout is another business. The only way to divorce-proof your marriage is to establish it on a rock-solid foundation of self-development and individuation, which you never did. You don't even seem to know what those are.

Yet even now, that will be your only solution. Go back to building yourself. Learn to survive and to provide a peaceful home for yourself and your child.

Develop a kind of constitution or guidelines for your life.  If you ever seek love again, it will be from that position of peace and stability. That mindset will make it impossible to attract this type of man.