Why I forgave my wife after she cheated, got pregnant, aborted and lost her womb

What would you do if you found out that your wife not only had an affair and got pregnant out of it, she procured an abortion, and in the process, she lost her womb, meaning that you two cannot have children together?

That is what happened to Julius Omungala, a 54-year-old businessman from Eshikomere village in Kakamega County.

A fit of rage followed by a bitter separation would be the more common response for many men in his situation, but not Julius. He forgave his wife, and later paid dowry for her. He didn’t stop there. A few years later, as a sign of true love and forgiveness, Julius married his wife in a colourful ceremony.

The trouble in Julius’s paradise began in 2012, when Julius’ wife, Monica Ndonga, found out that she was three and a half months pregnant. As a married woman, one would expect her to have been thrilled about the prospects of having a new addition to the family.

Read: A cheating nation: Study unearths shocking truth about widespread infidelity

But for Monica, news of the pregnancy was unwelcome because that child wasn’t her husband’s. By that time, Julius was in Nairobi, where he had travelled eight months earlier in search of a job.

“During that period, I got into an affair and in the process, got pregnant. Three months down the line I got really worried and wondered what I would do if my husband found out that I was carrying someone else’s child,” explains Monica.

As she tried to figure out how to get rid of the pregnancy, she shared her predicament with a friend, who linked her up with a woman within the village. She would help Monica procure an unsafe abortion.

“We went to the woman’s house and told her about my problem. There and then she assured me that she would help me rid of the pregnancy. She brought me some liquid that she had in the house and asked me to drink it,” Monica narrates.

She was then warned about symptoms to expect to confirm that the abortion was successful, so she returned home.

“At around 7 pm that evening, after dinner, I drank the concoction and shortly afterwards, I started having some serious abdominal and back pains. I began panicking.”

After three hours, Monica says, the pain became even more excruciating, so she decided to call a friend.

Immediately her friend arrived at Monica’s house, she insisted on taking her to a nearby health centre.

“My condition was getting worse by each second, so while in the hospital, my husband had to be told what was going on.”

Julius was called and informed of his wife’s condition and on that same day, he boarded a bus from Nairobi to Kakamega.

“When I arrived, I went straight to the hospital because the information I had received was that my wife was ill.” On arriving, the truth about what had transpired began unfolding. “I found her in immense pain and tried to ask her exactly what had happened.”

Monica says she couldn’t help but tell him the truth.

“I wasn’t able to hide anything from him because by then I was feeling so guilty. I just couldn’t add him any more pain.”

Julius also asked the doctor more questions and he confirmed that indeed Monica was pregnant and had procured an unsafe abortion.

At the hospital, Julius says, he didn’t want people to notice what was going on, and so for the few days his wife was admitted, he didn’t bring the issue up at all.

“When I visited her at the hospital, she was in so much pain and I felt sorry for her. We had to concentrate on her recovery,” says Julius. During this whole period, Monica says, her husband remained calm and very supportive.

“As he waited for me to get treatment and be discharged from hospital, despite having found out about the whole ordeal, he was very patient with me,” Monica remembers.

Read: Married but cheating: The complex realities around it

But this tranquility wouldn’t last. With time, things started changing and the anger Julius had bottled up started manifesting.

“A few weeks after I had been discharged from the hospital, he began resenting me. Partly, I suspect, it was because he had to talk to his people, both relatives and friends and tell them what was really going on with us,” says Monica.

Julius had also found out that as a result of the unsafe abortion, his wife wouldn’t be able to have children, ever.

At the hospital, it was established that the procedure Monica had gone through to get rid of the pregnancy had destroyed her reproductive system, hence she could not bear any children in her lifetime.

Julius was devastated and struggled to come to terms with the news because they were just three years into their marriage, and were looking forward to having a family of their own.

“In any relationship, and especially marriage, having children is a blessing. It as a bond that cements your love,” says Julius.

But things were even worse for Monica as she battled with feelings of guilt.

“Here I was, dealing with my husband finding out that I had cheated, gotten pregnant and had an unsafe abortion, yet at the same time, I was trying to come to terms with the fact that due to my selfish actions, I couldn’t ever have a child.”

This heavily contributed to the crack that had now begun to form in their marriage. By October 2012, arguments and disagreements had become frequent in their home and they began drifting apart. In January 2013, all hell broke loose and they decided to call it quits.

“I went back to my parents as my husband began living alone in our home.”

During their separation, Monica was also fighting battles of her own. On finding out about what had happened, my parents weren’t pleased. They scorned me.” But she quickly adds that in a short while, she managed to make peace with her family. However, she still couldn’t get rid of the deep feelings of shame.

As for her social life, it quickly deteriorated. Monica withdrew from her friends and stayed away from most meetings and gatherings like chamas.

“I was so ashamed of being with other women for some time, because, at the back of my mind, I kept thinking that they were talking about me behind my back,” she adds.

At that same time, Julius was struggling to move on. About 12 months into their separation, he threw in the towel and extended an olive branch to his wife.

Initially, he says, they had no plans to get back together, but then, as days turned to weeks, then months, his love for his wife grew even stronger.

Julius and Monica had met through his elder sister who hooked them up back in 2009. For Julius, it was love at first sight.

“What impressed me about her, other than her beauty, was that she was calm and soft-spoken.” Also, at the time of their first meeting, Monica was very ready to settle down, just like Julius, so they didn’t see the need to date.

“Within a month of our first meeting, we had already moved in together,” says Monica.

These are some of the memories that just couldn’t escape Julius’ mind during their year of difficulty.

“It was hard to let her go. We had stayed together for three years, and I just couldn’t imagine starting all over with someone else,” says Julius. He made arrangements to go visit Monica’s parents, and they began the journey of resolving their differences.

“By the end of that year, I had completely forgiven her. I told myself that no one is perfect,” says Julius. In December 2013, Julius went to Monica’s parents to try and talk her into accepting his proposal of them getting back together.

“She gladly accepted and we decided move in together again.”

But even though they had both settled on this decision, they were battling some pressure from a section of their extended family, and some friends.

“It was worse on my side because initially, when some of my family members found out about what had happened, they insisted that it would be best if she left and never came back.”

This became a problem especially, in 2014 – just a few months into their reunion – when he made a decision to go and pay dowry for his wife.

“Some relatives called me a fool and wondered how I had allowed myself to be ‘wrapped around her little finger’ instead of just getting another wife.”

Julius says although getting another woman was something that had crossed his mind at that time, he loved his wife deeply, and was convinced that a separation would have robbed him of some peace of mind.

The pressure didn’t come just from a section of his family. Some of his friends, he says, couldn’t agree with his decision of taking his wife back, and he had to avoid them to save his fragile marriage.

Read: Dealing with the aftermath of infidelity in marriage

“When my wife was away at her parents’, I had so many friends, but immediately I began pursuing her again, many of them decided to cut ties with me,” says Julius.

He decided not to look back even though the issue of them not being able to get children kept popping up. “Perhaps what gave me solace was that I have two children with my former wife, and Monica also has a child from a past relationship,” notes Julius.

Against this backdrop, he says, they agreed to move forward and raise their children from previous relationships, together.

When they moved in together for the second time, the two blended their family.

“My daughter came and joined my husband’s two children, and they got along so well. And as they say, the rest is history.”

The two older children have since moved out and their last born is in Form Three.

Julius says he wouldn’t have it any another way. In September last year, this couple solemnised their union in a colourful wedding that was attended by friends and relatives from both sides.

[email protected]

 Expert's view

According to Dr Susan Gitau, a counselling psychologist and lecturer at African Nazarene University, there are many reasons why married couples choose to forgive infidelity.

“One of them is the investment one has put in a particular relationship. This could be an emotional investment where you chose this person and didn’t have plans of having another relationship, or it could be about the financial investments a couple has together.”

But also, Susan says, such a decision could be a manifestation of a trauma bond, where despite being hurt by this particular person, you just can’t let them go.

“This usually affects people who experienced childhood trauma.”

Whatever the reason, Dr Gitau says that things can never be the same especially for those who move on without any kind of counseling.

“Infidelity is so traumatising especially for the ones who were cheated on and people don’t want to talk about it. It is important to keep in mind that the emotional roller-coaster triggered by infidelity can escalate into serious mental health issues. For instance, men may find themselves battling depression, anxiety, or even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).”

It is for this reason that Susan strongly recommends counselling for couples who are trying to chart a new path after cheating.

“This support system could be from the church, especially if your pastor is a qualified counsellor. It could be even from your best couple, and that’s why it is highly important to think carefully before tasking someone with that responsibility.”

Susan recommends trained counsellors who, apart from being professionally equipped with the skills to handle such matters, are objective, especially if they are strangers to the couple.

On the other hand, she says there are things that a couple should do while trying to make things better.

“If you’re the perpetrator, you have to be sensitive and aware of your partner’s feelings. After being cheated on, the victim’s feelings often oscillate, so instead of irritating them further, allow them to talk and freely ask questions.”

But even as you do that, she says, one must demonstrate honesty and remorse. “If you cheated, you must be sorry, genuine and consistent with your actions.”

As for the aggrieved, Susan advises that you have to be careful not to be subjected to manipulation.

“Forgiveness does not mean being naive. Ensure there is a commitment plan, clear boundaries, and if possible, a written contract as to what you will and won’t allow in future,” she adds.

“And if you are determined to fight on and save your marriage, you have to look for help. Read more, attend seminars and workshops, because marriage requires work, and you will need all the positive information available.”

“All in all, take your marriage as a unique institution. Don’t compare your relationship with others and understand that no one is perfect.”