I want to stop cheating and be a better man
Building trust takes time and sincere effort to win back the trust of those you have betrayed.
Dear Pastor Kitoto
I have been in several relationships in the past. They all ended because of my philandering ways. The women I dated were loyal and genuinely loved me. I take full responsibility for past break-ups.
Recently, my current girlfriend fell ill. I rushed her to the hospital, took care of the bill and went home. Later that day, I found out she has been having an affair with our neighbor.
Pastor, I love my girlfriend very much. I have never cheated on her. This betrayal hit me hard. I am worried about the future. Will I ever marry and have a family? I want to start afresh but I don’t know how to go about it.
Hi
The change you desire is the beginning of a journey towards establishing a new course for your life. This must be followed by a strong willpower to live differently. It is wonderful to see that you wish to become a better man, especially as we begin a new year
A wilful desire to change must ignite a need to identify and cultivate qualities that make relationships stick. This is essential because no one can change you other than yourself.
First, how do you lay down a new course for the life you would like to live? Since you mentioned that the breakups were your fault, you must accompany your new life with the necessary qualities to avoid living the way you have done in the past. Find out what activities you need to quit that negatively influence the way you relate with women. Replace these with new habits like trustworthiness and self-discipline.
Second, build character and friendships based on your new values. Define the new you based on these qualities. For example, embed commitment that results in long-term love instead of temporal fun and enjoyment. This true love must be devoid of double-dealing and desire to take advantage of the women you meet.
Third, choose a learner’s attitude instead of a know-it-all attitude. You may also need to learn your partner’s love language. Maybe the breakups were due to a mismatch in the love languages along with the cheating of course.
Learn how to build each other rather than use each other to achieve your desired end. Be willing to offer support to each other.
Fourth, successful partners know and understand that relationships are not easy and that conflict is inevitable. You may need to look at the areas that brought disagreement in the relationships and whether you dealt with the issues well. Most times, relationships don’t just break. Indeed, your girlfriend lied to you and had an affair. But what I see are two people who are undecided on what they want.
Acknowledge your failings
Your life has lacked the desired moral bearing to command respect and following needed. When you fail to live by example, you fail to have the moral authority to demand the same. This is exactly where you find yourself. Changing oneself in areas of weakness will you build a stronger and better relationship in the future. The change you desire will call for the right values, habits, and practices that will build the new you.
Concerning your future, I would suggest the following: First, acknowledge your failings as a man in navigating your love life. Why would your lifestyle accommodate the culture of moving from one relationship to another? What needs to change?
Second, identify and adopt new ways of relating. What makes you get into a relationship? Do your relationships end because what you wanted did not last long? You need to interrogate what relationships you have had so far to know what did not work so that you can take on new ways of relating.
Finally, if this woman cheated on you, you need to determine whether she was just another woman like the ones you have parted ways with before. Did she feel loved, cared for, appreciated, and affirmed in the relationship? I suggest you give your love life a pause and order your life first before you move on. Look at the issues we have discussed and see whether they help you to re-order your life.
