My wife is adulterous, I want to leave her and get full custody of our children

Dear Pastor,

I need advice regarding my marriage. I have been married for over eight years. We have three children, all under the age of 15. A few years ago, I was told that my wife was in a sexual relationship with someone else. When I asked her, she said the relationship never got physical and that nothing happened between her and the man, however, I stumbled upon more proof that she was indeed cheating on me and that she had lied. 

After deep reflection, I decided that I would not divorce her for the sake of the children. But this is killing me inside. Nowadays I am always suspicious of her. I believe she didn’t stop being unfaithful. Recently, I was told that she was seen kissing another man in public.

Later, I came across some text messages with heavy sexual connotations. From the chats, it is clear they have been sleeping together for a while now. I have had enough Pastor and I feel it is time we went our separate ways. I would like to have full custody of the children. Am I being too harsh in seeking separation? Is there another way to handle this issue? Please advise me.

Hi,

Thank you for sharing and being honest about the issues you are facing. Adultery can wreck a relationship.

I empathise with you and your children. It is emotionally ravaging to know that your wife is cheating but you still feel the need to stay for the sake of the children.

First, you must agree with me that what you have are suspicions that have not been fully confirmed and confronted.

From where I stand, I see a man who has information, albeit not exhaustive, but has not fully dealt with it; and a woman who knows that she is cheating and is unable to confess and break the habit. Or it could be that she is innocent, a victim of circumstances.

Some of the questions to help you establish whether your spouse is cheating could be:

1) Is she/he secretive and overly reactive when you speak about the issue?

Cheating spouses are inconsistent and don't tell the whole truth. They often lead double lives. Most times, they cannot account for their time, the gifts they bring home, and at times their expenditure.

However, with time it is impossible to totally or fully cover their tracks.

2) Can you detect an overly defensive and selfish attitude?

Great relationships are made of people who care about the feelings and concerns of their partner. People who lie and cheat on their partners tend to focus on one thing - Self. They hide their movements for fear of being found out and are made to face the consequences of their actions.

Although they may be aware that their behaviour is inconsistent, they defend themselves to maintain control and enjoy both worlds. Look out for sudden changes in behaviour. Changes in behaviour patterns could involve claims of working late, use of the phone or a sudden change in work schedule, less interest in sex, and increased travel that makes it impossible or difficult to reach them.

3) Can you see a repeated pattern in the area of suspicion?

Check the responses your wife gives you. When she fumbles, avoids, and gives excuses about her whereabouts and offers conflicting stories, be alarmed.

When she is afraid of being questioned on the issue and chooses to offer counter accusations, then it is most likely that she could be showing signs of guilt. Do remember that this process requires patience and love as you confront it. She must see that you mean well for her and the relationship. Second, for you to exhaust this issue fully, you will need to make some sacrifices. For a start, be sure of the evidence you have and the authenticity of the sources of such evidence. People have been known to be good at breaking marriages out of malice. That means you may need to evaluate what you have been told and how truthful it is.

In addition, you will need to consider your wife's actions and behaviour and pick out any inconsistencies. Sometimes the truth we are looking for is right before our eyes.

Finally, confronting adultery in a relationship will require evidence, firmness, and speaking the truth in love. It is amazing what love-driven disclosures can do for a relationship. You have evidence of suggestive texts she exchanged, if so, determine whether your desire to confront her is to finally win her back or to prove to her that she has been caught.

When you state that you would like a separation but you would like to stay with the children, does this mean that you are unwilling to reconcile? The path I have given above is great for establishing the truth and confronting it in a Godly way, however, if the desire is to let her go while you stay with the children, the courts have a process, though you may want to tread carefully before going down that path. I have seen children grow up and seek their mother or father even after many years of separation or divorce.

It may also be worth evaluating your attitude towards her and ask yourself whether it could be affecting her negatively.

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