What kind of couple are you?

You visit a couple and stay with them for a while. While there, you get to know how well they cope with each other, even when they are so different. You realise their way of doing things  is like a well-oiled machine — no hiccups, no complaints and no force.

With yet another couple, you realise arguments keep flying between them. These arguments, which can sometimes be very bitter, seem endless. But eventually the two reach a consensus. Looking at them once they have made up, you wonder why they keep tearing into each other in the first place.

Then there’s the couple where one spouse keeps receiving all the verbal punches from her or his partner. The partner on the receiving end does not complain but goes about life as if nothing really bothers them. Even when things threaten to get out of hand, this partner is the one who struggles to cool things down. Simply put, she is the marriage’s coolant.

In another set up, one spouse appears laid back and seems to have little say on what happens in the family while the other does everything, from house repairs, choosing the colour and make of furniture, paying school fees, choosing entertainment joints, investments or even when to take a loan and what amount.

You are tempted to believe the latter is being exploited while the former is just being lazy. But how wrong you are because they like it that way. No control, no complaints. Henry Dickens, a relationship therapist, explains this phenomenon, “After a while of living together, each couple develops an “unconscious fit”, which allows them to cope with each other.”

According to Dickens, this “fitting into each other” is natural and can help in finding someone who can complement our experiences. Dicks says this person need not be like us; we need someone from whom we can learn, someone who has developed coping mechanisms that are different from our own.

This could confirm the hypothesis that opposites attract. So where do we fall in this classification?

Master and servant
This couple lives like one spouse is too junior for the other and hence should take orders from the other. Most likely, the master is the husband. The husband acts the boss while the  wife coils in timidity.

While the master spouse may not lord it all over with threats, things just go like a perfect script where the master wields a lot of power and authority without necessarily forcing the other to follow the rules.

The master spouse feels insecure if he/she does not take charge of how things are happening around them. For fear of ruining the marriage, the servant spouse toes the line without complaining.

Development and investments for this couple is one-sided and when the master spouse dies, it becomes difficult for the other to even keep track of what the family owns.

On the other side, though, there are less fights and their public image is that of a traditional marriage. It is a perfect example of one centre of power in a relationship.

However,  the servant spouse does not complain as he/she sees the loyalty as a responsibility.

Idol and worshipper
This couple’s way of doing things is close to the master/servant relationship in that control and influence is one-sided. For some specific characteristics, one spouse feels inadequate and therefore looks upto the other for guidance. 

The worshipper quickly relinquishes his/her independence and resorts to acting at the whims of the other partner. The spouse with traits of an idol often notices he is the senior partner and feels owed the love.

The main problem here is that the worshipper does not question ideas/ suggestions by the other partner even when they do not seem sensible. He/she fears to annoy the idol. Though there is seeming “peace” in this family set-up, the worshipper is relegated to living another person’s life which can sometimes result in resentment.

Generally, worshippers are good at intimacy but can use it to further extol their admiration for the other person. On the other side, an Idol can use intimacy to punish the worshipper either by asking for it by force or by withholding it.

This couple has a poor record in profit-making engagements as most actions are geared towards pleasing one party while the other gains all the attention and care. However, this couple makes good parents as this love by one easily trickles down to the children.

Hunter and the hunted
They are also referred to as pursuer and the distancer. This couple is mainly in endless conflicts because one of them is pushy on issues while the other keeps running away from issues.

In most cases, it is the wife who plays the hunter. In this scenario, the wife keeps on bringing personal or family issues to the attention of the husband but he shies away from them.

He usually feigns lack of time (by excusing himself that he is busy) or simply trashes or dismisses what the other person thinks is important. “He may not be aloof, so to speak, but he ignores things that the other person thinks are important. He is quite self-centred and what matters to him is his own good,” writes Dickens.

The unspoken agreement, he adds, is that one of them will keep chasing and nagging the other as he runs away. Occasionally, the roles are swapped and the hunted becomes the hunter.

This characteristic is also common in relationships where one spouse becomes impatient with the other over the commitment aspect of a relationship. Often, the hunted feels insecure and is shy to commit to the other.

This problem affects women more. Because they need constant assurance in life, women appear to push their men to commit themselves while the men want to “buy more time before they sign on the dotted line”.

It is not that the hunted has a problem with whatever is being proposed, but he tends to take more time and at times might even consider the hunter too much of a nag. However, the hunted eventually yields to pressure, which in essence means it is the hunter who calls the shots on most things. These may include financial and social issues.

Cat and dog
This is the most strenuous love. Partners here are the most disengaged and in psychology circles, they are also referred to as combatants. Psychologist Dickens says the drama between this couple makes them look, on the surface though, like they should never have met, leave alone become husband and wife.

“There is so much pressure from both spouses and they do not seem to get along on anything. They seem to derive their satisfaction in their relationships by how often their partners get over the hurdles they place ahead of them,” Dickens observes.

These partners quarrel over anything, and at the end of it all, reach a consensus which is not far away from what was supposed to be done initially. They just seem to question each other’s input in everything they do together and there emerges a kind of retrogressive competition over who carries the day.

They are emotionally weak and they avoid intimacy. When intimacy happens, it is for a short time before they start “arguing all over again”. This couple knows no peace and chances of physical encounters are high, though they do not happen regularly. This is because they use their tongues more than any of their other body organs.

For their arguments, each feels independent at the personal level. Their decision-making processes are slow but what is agreed upon has a high chance of successful implementation because they feel part of it. They are satisfied that their voice into it was heard.

Babes in the woods
Love, love and more love. This is what defines this couple. They crave for the sweet things in life and love fun. They know their survival depends on what they do to each other and any deviation from their way of doing things is not welcome. They are easy goers and can be referred to as lovebirds.

Wherever you see them, they look like they are newly married. They could even resemble each other and may be dressed in the same colours. “They share the same interests, and quite uniquely, they dislike the same things. They have a penchant of keeping any external interference out of their relationship,” notes Dickens.

For their love of the good things, they could get extravagant with themselves. They generally do not care much about tomorrow and rarely save or invest. This is also the type of couple that will remain married for 10 years without having children as they feel they aren’t ready for it.

Their children risk getting spoilt as they are sucked into their parents’ easy life too soon. Ever seen the couple that will have their children play around them in an entertainment spot as they themselves dance a weekend night away? Ever met this couple who go for shopping together, and share chores in the house all in the name of love?

You may not exactly fit into these brands of couples, but maybe it’s time for you to sit back and assess just what type of a couple you are.