Overcoming the trauma of sexual abuse

Leila Mogalo's childhood was weaved with threads of fear, anxiety, betrayal and secrets. A chapter of her life that she has been keeping to herself until now. For the first time, she publicly comes out to talk about sexual abuse, depression, attempted suicide and forgiveness. She spoke to Lilys Njeru.

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“I am the last born in a family of three, and growing up we frequently had live-in house helps to watch over me when my parents left for work.

At around the age of six, while under the care of different house helps, I had two encounters where they molested me. I did not tell anyone because the actions were followed with threats to harm me if I dared to speak out.

At 10 years, I went to a primary boarding school and here, the situation exacerbated. Some of the male teachers and older girls sexually abused me.

Still, I did not report the issue. I was raised in a loving home and my parents are supportive. However, I lacked the courage to share what I was going through.

I have never told them about it. More so, the flashbacks of what I had gone through at home haunted me and I was afraid of being hurt.

I did not want to transfer the pain to someone else. Looking back, I wish I had the courage to.

ANGER

As a result, I ended up a timid girl and would occasionally get anxiety attacks. On several nights, I could not sleep and I was losing concentration in class.

When I went to secondary school, also a boarding school, things changed. I enjoyed some level of peace and I felt that I needed to relieve the pain and the secret.

On one particular day, we had a motivational speaker come to talk to us and I decided to confide in her. She however expressed concerns that I could have made up the story because it was unlikely for women to assault others sexually.

Her response made me believe that nobody would listen to me. Therefore, I learnt the art of camouflage. Around my family and friends, I would depict the image of a happy person, but deep inside I was crushing.

I got angry because I could not understand why it was happening to me repeatedly. I needed answers.

DEPRESSION

While at the university, in 2017, I had two other encounters, this time with strangers but it did not go beyond touch. Thankfully, by this time, I had learnt how to safeguard myself from potential harm.

However, these two occurrences took me back to the dreaded past. I felt worthless and wondered why people, both male and female, were looking at me as a sexual object.

I also wondered if there were other girls going through the same ordeals. It also affected how I interacted with other people because I did not want to get into a relationship or have close friends.

Towards the end of 2017, I got so overwhelmed that I was diagnosed with depression. I was admitted at The Nairobi Hospital for a week.

SUICIDAL

My parents implored me to share what was happening, but I kept finding ways to beat around the situation. I felt that I needed to break away from the shackles of shame and there was no way out. Twice, I considered taking away my life, tried once but survived.

My parents took me for therapy but it did not work. To be honest, my healing journey has been faith-based. That is, believing in a superior Being — God.

My journey to healing started with forgiveness and knowing that I will never get the molesters to admit that they were wrong and apologise for ruining part of my life. I let go.

Now, I still get the flashbacks, but they no longer affect me like in the past. When I share about depression, especially during mentorship and networking forums, I get people who are hurting reaching out to me for encouragement. I feel like a purpose was born out of it.

FORTITUDE

It has also served as a learning experience that motivates me to push through challenges or any obstacles along the way.

Now, I am a better friend because I understand that nobody is immune to such happenings. It could happen to someone in a boarding school, in the office or even in a matatu.

In the future, as a parent, when deciding what schools to enrol my children in, I will still have boarding schools as an option.

I will not make choices based on my fears. I will encourage them to speak out instead of cowering in fear."