Keep the home fire burning...<
Why do relationships which started out with so much promise turn out to be a burden after only a few years? Courtship is normally the most exciting phase of a relationship. There is so much love floating around, enough to eclipse a partner’s faults and disregard those annoying habits that would ordinarily raise protest.
The physical attraction is intense and couples can barely keep their hands off each other. You only need to take one gaze into your partner’s eyes to lose yourself. At that time, the two of you only have eyes for each other.
However, with time, couples realise that love and a charged testosterone are not enough to sustain the relationship and as time erodes the excitement of courtship, certain aspects of the relationship change, such as the intense romantic feelings that made your heart nearly burst with longing.
You also find that you no longer have as much time as you used to have together especially when children come into the picture.
With so much else going on in your lives, it becomes very easy to neglect each other as you fulfill other obligations. As a result, everything that was worth looking forward to in the relationship fades away.
Many couples that find themselves in such a situation give in to despair and begin to wonder whether they made the right choice of partner. Unless the couple takes deliberate steps to mend the damage that has already taken place, the next logical step is a break-up.
There, we have dissected your problem and come up with a diagnosis. But just what is the right prescription for this problem? We sought the help of Kenya’s very own sexologist, Gertrude Mungai, the sex agony aunt who has been helping couples re-ignite the spark in their bedrooms and subsequently, in their boring relationships.
Gertrude is not your typical relationship expert. She dispenses advice yes, but then goes a step further and shares her own experiences with her clients.
She does not shy away from sharing what goes on in her own bedroom if it will help rescue an ailing relationship. If anything, she feels that the fact that our society still considers sex a taboo subject, to be talked about in hushed tones and hurriedly done under the cover of darkness, is what prevents many couples from enjoying an exciting sexual relationship.
Her teaching methods may have raised controversy, (She teaches women how to strip and pole dance) but she believes that a dose of the extraordinary is exactly what an ailing bedroom needs.
“Why do some married men visit strip clubs to watch women shed off their clothes or slide down a pole? They are obviously in search of something they are not getting at home,” she states, though she hastens to add that this does not mean she condones such behaviour. She also adds that she gives advice that she herself follows.
Drawing from professional experience, Gertrude points out that the slow disintegration of a previously happy relationship, where couples unconsciously allow piling responsibility to take centre stage in their lives, is a very familiar trend in most failed relationships.
She should know because scores of couples dissatisfied with their relationships or those who are afraid that theirs is headed for the rocks seek her advice everyday.
She also strongly feels that women have the power to rescue such a relationship by using tried and tested ways of keeping the fire burning.
Though she is known more for being a sex agony aunt than a relationship expert, she is also conversant with the intricacies of relationships beyond the bedroom and clarifies that though satisfying sex is an important component of a fulfilling relationship, on its own, it cannot sustain a relationship.
“A satisfying sexual relationship is just one of the ingredients needed for a happy relationship; there is so much more including constant communication and fulfilling one’s roles within the relationship.
Besides teaching women, (and a few men who are brave enough to seek her out) how to spice up their sex lives and kick boredom out of the bedroom, Gertrude also teaches couples how to effectively communicate with each other so that they can both get what they need, inside and outside the bedroom.
Shedding light on why most women complain about the quality of sex they receive from their husbands, she points out that women make the mistake of assuming that men should know how to pleasure them.
“If you feel there is something you are not getting, or something that needs to be improved on, let your spouse know. You cannot afford to be shy, because if you are, you will be forced to live with your frustration.”
Another factor that works against women is the fact that they are timid in the bedroom and as a result, are afraid of being adventurous. According to Gertrude, this is where bedroom apathy sets in.
But the men are not without fault either since most give their partners the impression that they would not be comfortable with a woman who seems to be experienced in the bedroom.
“Most married men say they want to come home to a ‘nice’ girl, and are likely to get suspicious when confronted by a partner who seems to know her way around the bedroom, yet some of these men still go looking for more exciting bedroom romps outside their marital bed.”
She says that couples should understand that there is nothing wrong with asking for what they want from each other as long as it does not demean either of them.
They need to discuss their sexuality and while at it, ensure that they are honest with each other about what they expect from each other, including sharing their fantasies if they have any and deciding whether they would be comfortable to play them out or not.
While discussing such issues, she says it is also important to do it away from the home environment, preferably somewhere intimate, somewhere you can freely thrash out the issues at hand without interruption, especially where there are small children.
“Many couples trivialise sex and do not see the need to set aside sufficient time to discuss such an important matter. Make a date whose sole purpose is to discuss how to improve your sex life.”
Once you agree on how to improve your sex life, she advises signing what she calls a ‘Sex contract’. This is a document which stipulates each of your sexual needs, what you would want to see improved and anything else you may have agreed will heighten the intimacy in your relationship.
“Both of you simply need to write down what you would enjoy doing together. Signing the ‘contract’ is proof of your commitment to making the relationship work and will encourage you to honour your side of the bargain.”
Since the document clearly outlines the desires of your partner, it lets you know what he or she loves, meaning that you do not have to second guess matters concerning your sex life since you are both aware of what pleases the other and what does not.
Gertrude also believes that a wife should be a ‘one-stop shop’.
The idea is to be in a position to offer your husband everything he may desire sexually. This way, he will not have any reason to stray.
“Most of the time, men stray from the marital bed because they are looking for a kinky experience, the kind that they feel they cannot get from their wives,”
However, this does not mean that the woman should feel compelled to do something she feels uncomfortable with just to keep her husband home. That is why it is important to set boundaries and respect each other’s wishes.
It is also important to continue having some time alone together even after years of marriage, pointing out that dating does not necessarily have to end after marriage.
“Many couples give up having fun once the children come along and everything they once enjoyed is overshadowed by demanding parenthood. There is time to be husband and wife, to be parents and time to be lovers,” she observes.
This is where dating comes in. She suggests having a dating ritual which the two of you should strictly adhere to unless a matter of life and death comes up. When you do decide to enjoy a meal out, let it be about the two of you.
Forget about your children, the pending bills or other issues you may have and focus on your relationship and how you can improve it by having fun together.
Women are also advised to allow their partners to fulfill their roles, pointing out that many women make the mistake of taking over their partner’s duties since it is convenient for everyone.
She warns that not only does this deny the man a rightful chance to participate in the relationship and the family life, but this usually ends up making her resentful of the man after she realises that she does too much in the home while the man does nothing. Gertrude points out that shared experiences are the most enjoyable.
“There are homes where the husband’s presence is not felt and when this happens, there is a vacuum. This makes it easy to neglect the core of what led you to your marriage in the first place. There is always need for balance and defined roles within a relationship.”
Giving an example of her own marriage, she says that she and her husband have clear-cut roles which they are committed to fulfilling.
Her husband, for example, is charged with the duty of helping their children with the homework. If he has to go somewhere after work, whether it is to a business-related meeting or just a get-together with friends, he is aware that their children have to come first.
He therefore has to make a trip home to ensure that the boys are through with homework before attending to other matters. For Gertrude, whose work demands a lot of travelling and being away from her family sometimes for a couple of days, her husband expects her to take over from the house-help and do the cooking whenever she is at home.
A happy relationship demands sacrifice. You have to be willing to do whatever it takes to make it work and make a conscious decision to prevent work or other obligations from consuming you to the point of forgetting why you got married in the first place,” she reflects.
Drawing from her work experience, she observes that many women suffer in silence in their own homes because they are afraid to voice their dissatisfaction especially where the man’s relatives are concerned.
She recognises that live-in relatives can be useful, looking after your children, running errands or simply standing in for you when you are unavailable.
However, most of the time, they undermine the couple’s sex life since with them around; physical intimacy becomes almost impossible because it is no longer possible to show affection spontaneously.
“If relatives are around, it is difficult to freely show affection and you are also forced to restrict all intimacy to the bedroom and even then, you are still conscious of others listening in.”
Ideally, showing affection should be spontaneous and constantly having to check one’s feelings and actions is a sure romance killer. By the time you do get to the privacy of your bedroom late in the evening, the only thing you take with you to bed is fatigue.
Going by the number of clients who confide in her, it seems that the problem of in-laws interfering with otherwise fulfilling relationships is very common. Some of the women complain that their partner’s fail to listen or dismiss them whenever they raise the issue.
“Before a woman complains about something, more often than not, she has really thought it through and decided that the only way to tackle the problem is by raising it. In such a case, when she complains about relatives, you should sit up and listen. Your wife’s comfort should always come first.”
Gertrude believes that there is a way out of such a dilemma. If possible, extend your help to your relatives where they are - away from your home.
This way, you fulfill your obligation to those who depend on you and still keep the fire in your relationship burning. What of those with children?
Gertrude concurs that once children come into the picture, the couple’s pattern of intimacy may change, but their sex life need not take a back seat. The trick lies in timing, she says.
It is easy to ensure that children retire to bed by 8pm while the house-help is released by 9pm. This will give you quality time with each other as well as the freedom to express your affection anywhere in the house without having to worry about anyone walking in on you.
