How the pandemic changed our sex lives for the worse

Collateral damage. That is what it has been called – the non-infection-related adverse effects of Covid-19. That is what came to my mind as I talked to Jasper in the Sexology clinic. He was 32 and his sexuality was waning.

"I get weak erections and before I know it I am flat," he explained, "my wife is upset with me and the environment in the house is no longer habitable." 

He linked his troubles to pornography and masturbation.

"You see when the pandemic hit I was in a town in northern Kenya and my wife was in Nairobi," he explained, avoiding eye contact, "but a man has to do what a man has to do." 

He persevered for a few weeks but the pressure overcame him. He started masturbating and resorted to porn. In no time he was doing it three to four times a week.

But the lockdown was soon lifted and he travelled back to Nairobi. He realised that his desire to have sex with his wife was rather low. He yearned for porn and continued masturbating. 

"We only get intimate once in three months and it is a forced one," he lamented.

His wife was upset and threatened to walk out of the marriage. For the seven years of their marriage, she was always the one with low libido. Previously, they indulged two to three times a week and Jasper had no problems with his erections. But now she was the one pushing for sex and Jasper was unwilling and unable. She wondered if he had an affair. She could not relate the problem to Covid.

Jasper's story is replicated in many relationships. Because sex is rarely talked about, the damage that the pandemic has caused to sexual relationships remains a hashed subject. Studies done in America, Britain, China, and even in Kenya show that sexual practices changed markedly during Covid-19. The fear of and experiences with death and suffering were not the only interferences with sexual relationships; the control measures had their share of damage.

It is known that many people resorted to virtual sex when restrictions in the movement were imposed. The singles could not meet and go on dates. Many resorted to self-pleasuring aided by porn. Those who already had some form of relationship but stayed apart like Jasper increasingly engaged in phone sex including sexting, sharing nudes, and masturbating.

Those in long-term relationships tend to be more reserved. As such many resorted to self-pleasuring without involving their partners, porn being the fallback for stimulation.

But living apart was not the only factor in sexual collateral damage; some couples lived together and were locked down in the same house, many with their children. One would assume that they had all the time to enjoy intimacy but that was never the case. Circumstances were different and the situation was not romantic as such. It is known that for many their frequency fell drastically. In fact, for those who had sex the satisfaction rates were much lower than usual.

The changing dynamics around sex affected the overall health of relationships. Communication worsened and incidences of conflict went up. It is now a known fact that many families suffered intimate partner violence.

The good news is that slowly we are learning to live with Covid-19. The rates are still fluctuating and nobody knows what tomorrow holds but we have learnt enough lessons to help us readjust our relationships and sexual practices in this new normal.

"Meaning what?" Jasper asked.

Well, it is time for couples to open up to each other and discuss their dissatisfactions. Such discussions can be difficult and are better aided by a professional. If you have not had a chance to consult a sexual health professional, it is time to do so. Create time to evaluate together what the Covid-19 experience has done to your relationship and intimacy.

When one has been masturbating routinely it can be an uphill task to go back to normal intimacy. Supporting the process through the use of medication, coaching and a bit of therapy do help.

"So can you just give me the medication, I want this done with so that my normal life can resume," Jasper said. Like many men with sexual problems, he wanted a quick fix. 

I gave him a prescription, but with the understanding that he would bring the wife in his next visit. There was a need to repair the relationship and recreate the connection between them, otherwise, even with strong erections, sex would be meaningless. 

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