Conflict with my husband began last year, 2022, when I discovered he had fathered two children out of wedlock. We have been married for over 25 years with three children, the youngest, 16. I had suspected infidelity earlier, but he always denied it. When I finally confirmed and confronted him, his first request was that I can punish him the way I wanted but not divorce him. The reason he gave for cheating was, "it began like a joke and the children were accidents". After a long talk, I promised to forgive him on condition that he would support the children but forget the woman. Later, the woman forwarded me an SMS I had sent my husband during the conflict to imply they were still together. He denied having forwarded the SMS to her, and I thought he had been telling lies all through.
Long story short, of late he sleeps late watching movies and we rarely have sex, and if at all, I have to labour to arouse him and if he is aroused, I am still the one to do it on top. And we rarely talk. We began life from scratch and no one can claim anything we have is theirs. Are we really going to make it together? I am unable to rub him from my heart but I don't understand what he thinks because he is usually very reserved. This is affecting our daughter who wants to begin planning her wedding. She asked her father that she talks to us, and two weeks later he's not yet ready for the talk.
You and your husband seem to have built a very strong marriage over the years. Your husband appears to love you as much as he got another family outside. The issue of you discovering it seems to be eating him up and he is lost with guilt and shame. He is trying to avoid you and your daughter who is almost wedding as he fears going public or to other people with the shame he is suffering. The shame has affected his performance and self-esteem. Sit him down and explain to him that you are mad but don't condemn him. He's still your love life although he needs to overcome the guilt. Reassure him and encourage him to face everything.
Joel Maina, Chairman
Marriage Building Family
It is so unfortunate that your husband betrayed you. It is evident enough that there is no longer trust in your marriage, especially towards your husband. Love is a mutual responsibility. It is enjoyed when both parties are reciprocating. Unless your husband opens up to you that you may discuss what is making him shy away from you, your marriage will not work. Communication is key to a healthy relationship. Lastly, even if things don't work out between you, it should not hinder the happiness of your child. I hope your husband understands this and facilitates wedding plans for your daughter.
Rev Geoffrey Avudiko-Kitale
Also read: My cheating husband says I am the cheater
From your narrative, you come out as an extremely dominating and forceful personality used to having your way. Due to your dictatorial tendencies, the family environment- I suspect - is very toxic. Which partly explains why your adult daughter has to seek your say so to have a candid conversation with the father. It is creditable that you have forgiven your husband for his tryst. But probably in the prevailing circumstance, it would be best that you get a divorce and release the poor man from the stressful home environment. With that, you might find that with you too will get your own peace.
Drive Counselling Centre- Kitengela
I appreciate you for taking care of the children and forgiving your man. I would advise that you both seek marital counselling and proceed on holiday to bond. Truth is that being cheated on is painful and requires time and concerted effort to rebuild trust and friendship. Deliberately improve communication in your marriage and enjoy being on top as you pleasure your hubby. Also, purpose to have common interests like watching movies. Engage the children only when necessary and avoid creating room for your daughter to lecture her father, which may irreparably damage their relationship.
The question of you making it moving forward all depends on how you handle things from this point on. From your story, your husband has disconnected after the events that unfolded. If indeed you still have feelings for him despite all, it is important that you both let the past be. A constant reminder of the past will not help your future together. To reconnect, you must release each other from any type of guilt or a need to be sorry for the past. He most likely believes that what he did will never be forgiven, hence his shutdown. He needs to know there is hope for bliss between you, otherwise, he will not open up to being the husband that he was. Reverse psychology will work to your advantage if you can manage to play your part. Give him back his status as your man. How he handles the other woman is his business. Your only task should be to restore the connection you once had.
NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA
Hi, my name is Dr Victor based in Luanda, Angola. I am a foreigner in Angola, but married to an Angolan wife. I am self-employed, and my wife mostly attends the church service with our children. Her pastor/prophet has poisoned her mind that I have so many girlfriends, which is not true. Now, the prophet prescribed to her so medicinal concoctions to put in my food, which she accepted and put in my food. One time, I found her red handed putting the staff in my food. She told me she has been doing it for a long time. To cut the story short, I think I should divorce her. I can’t trust her anymore, I am not even eating her food. Should I divorce her or not?
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