My husband has kept his side chick and two children hidden for 10 years

I'm a 50-year-old woman and have been in marriage for over 25 years. We have three children aged 15, 19 and 24.

Last year in March I learned from a certain woman that she had been in a 10-year relationship with my husband and they have two children aged seven and four.

My husband works in Nairobi and we stay together but he has a side hustle in a town near our village, so it was hard to track him. He also likes visiting the village every weekend. It hurt me so much when I learned of the infidelity and I'm still hurting.

He said he would end the relationship and just support the children but I suspect he is still seeing the woman.

We married while in university, and we have invested a lot. My life is at crossroads and I don't know what to do.

Please advise.

Reader's advice

25 plus years in marriage, three children and an investment with your husband is a package that you don't need to throw away because of his infidelity.

Now that he admitted to having another family, the decision to forgive him lies solely with you. The best a parent like you and him could do is to make sure your children gets the support they need.

Whether there is another woman or not, your children deserve nothing but proper care. So consider having a sit down with your husband on the best way to handle your predicament. You can also explore the possibility of engaging a counsellor. 

- Juma Felix

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Keeping the affair from you for 10 years means he still cares for your relationship and since you have invested a lot, there's no prize in walking out on the marriage just like that.

You are still hurting and would like to hear he's ended the mpango as you suspect he's still seeing her. My take: Ask for a forum in which you iron things out without emotional outbursts, this will show you are in control and not insecure.

Fight for your space and protect the fruits of your sweat. What matters right now is the future. Be more vigilant, you never know.

- Kagochi Kuira, Counselor Nyeri 

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There is a famous short prayer where one invokes the heavens to grant one the serenity to accept things that one cannot change. It will be apt for you to recite this prayer as it is delusional to imagine that your husband will break off from the second family.

Some shock absorbers come with age and in your case your best option is to latently accept the situation without actually acknowledging it.

Do not in any way make it an issue within your household and strive to simply ignore it, to find peace and consequently happiness.

To be sure, your husband is happy with the present arrangements and if you let him be, the happiness is bound to trickle down also to you. Have heart and count your blessings.

- Drive Counseling Centre- Kitengela

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Where do you get the energy to be at a crossroads for someone you have been together for 25 years? Thank God he did not leave you for the second family.

Accept the situation the way it is and be a role model. Any separation will give children sleepless nights. Your husband might inform you lightly that he will leave the woman but in the real sense they will still be together.

Lastly, before you throw stones; maybe you contributed to the current situation. Pray for him and fast as you continue strengthening your family.

- Jeff Chepkwony, Chebaraa, Sigor, Chepalungu Subcounty

Expert's Take

It is unfortunate for you that your husband did not keep his vow to remain monogamous however what has been done cannot be undone. The question you need to ask yourselves is whether your marriage is worth restoring.

The woman told you that they had a relationship which does not mean their relationship is still on. If he stops seeing her or not is not the question you should be tackling. It should be if at all the two of you want rekindle it. It is important that he takes care of all his children.

You cannot live your life tracking your husband. He should be with you because he wants to. It is critical that you have a heart to heart and find out where both your feelings are at, so as to move forward.

- Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor

Next Week's Dilema

I have been married for seven years. We're blessed with one child who is six. I am a worried and a traumatised man in my marriage. Since we started staying together, my wife's relatives have always stayed with us— children to her sisters, some of them grown. Whenever school closes we must have visitors from my wife's family.

Her younger sister gave birth immediately after form four and the parents sent her with the new born baby to stay with us. What gives me a lot of worries, my sister lost her husband and I have been supporting her children with school fees etc. and when I tell my wife that I would like my sister's children to visit us she gets mad and asks me, "watalala wapi??" We stay in a two-bedroom house.

When I lost my dad her parents declined to come for the burial claiming kwetu ni mbali. Should I continue in this union or I quit? Or how can I get along, punda amechoka.

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