My wife slept with her boss and it really haunts me

I am a teacher by profession, so is my wife. Some 10 years ago, I discovered that my wife was romantically involved with her school’s head teacher who is older than her by 20 years and is older than me too. His firstborn is also older than my wife. The wife of the man discovered the illicit relationship and informed me. My wife admitted they had been intimate for four years. She was remorseful and begged for forgiveness. Although I forgave her, I have never trusted her again. I don't even like spending time with her and have no sexual feelings for her, and she complains about me. I really loved her but that love is now lost. It has really affected our relationship. How can I ever love her again?

READER’S ADVICE

Only the two of you have power to resolve this issue. If need be, see a therapist together so as to regain or retrieve the lost trust. Get to the root of the matter and deal with it.

W Kagochi

Kuira Counsellor Nyeri

I feel your pain. It is not that easy to recollect yourself after betrayal but it is possible. What you need is total healing and this can only occur after total forgiveness. Even though you say you forgave her, you still harbour bitterness and that is why you feel repelled by her. This calls for special grace. Love will be revived only after you let the past go.

~Rev Geoffrey Avudiko.

Mitume, Kitale

It hurts deep, not exactly because it was mere fling but a long drawn infidelity. Apparently, despite your claims of forgiveness, the issue, understandably, continues to cause emotional anguish and unhappiness. Make a tough decision and through a mutually respected third party or a professional, seek a trial separation from your spouse for not less than six months. This long separation should clear your head and hopefully lead to a reasonable permanent decision on the case. As at now, with her presence in your day to day activities, your vision and decision making as regards your joint future is likely to be clouded. Good luck.

Anonymous,

Drive Counselling Centre- Kitengela

Ten years is a long time to have stayed in a marriage without trust. You seem like you want things to be okay between you two. I think you should start by building trust once again. Walk the journey with her and all will eventually be well.

Mercy Githinji

EXPERT’S TAKE

The chances of you loving her like you once did are slim. When you no longer find your partner sexually appealing, it means you have lost that lustful factor that drives men to find a woman sexually attractive. You may have feelings of love towards her but have no intimate desire for that. That usually marks the end of whatever bond you had. There is also a small chance that two people can reconnect but from experience with your type of issue, I can say there are deal breakers that can never be mended despite any efforts.

Maurice Matheka,

Relationship Counsellor

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NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

I have been married for the last 21 years. In 2015, my wife and I had differences which made us disengage. Although we still live in my home, we don't experience marital bliss. Whenever I travel home, she sleeps in the children’s room. In 2019 I decided to have a second family and I informed my family, including my first wife, and she said there was no problem, so I moved in with a woman who had two children from a previous relationship. Luckily, we were blessed with a child together but I came to realise that her family, especially her mother, did not support our marriage. Now it has reached a time when making love with my new woman is difficult. She has become distant and does not give any substantive reason for her aloofness. After enduring this situation for one year and five months, we differed and she moved out. Now, whenever I try to initiate sex, she tells me to go and talk to her parents first, then she will decide on whether to come back. Should I fall into that trap of seeing her parents or should I just leave her alone?

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