What you need to know:
- This week we advise a man who suspects his wife of infidelity because of her past.
I am married to a Muslim wife, our courtship was opposed by relatives, but we managed to live together. I later came to learn that while we were courting she used to visit other men behind my back. She was still a virgin when we married but she confessed that she would visit the men in the houses and they would undress her, though she did not give in to their sexual advances. Was this cheating? We now fight because of how she kept this from me as I wonder whether this will continue in our relationship. I am in turmoil. We are currently separated, have two children and we're not on speaking terms. Nato, Mombasa
If you have confessed that you got her a virgin even though she was visiting men's houses, I believe she still holds her principles. Your jealousy may make you lose her.
Three main things come out—a Muslim wife, relatives opposing the relationship, and your finding out your wife's previous behaviors. We all enter into relationships with our past baggage which if not dealt with could be the source of conflict. I urge you to be more concerned about the here and now and not dwell on the past or what the future will bring. Your wife's religion should not be the antecedent that triggers your negative beliefs. Both of you must make your marriage work for the sake of your children.
Cheating does not necessarily imply that your wife had to get an intimate sexual relationship with the men she used to undress. Distrusting her has rocked how you relate with your wife. Her not being honest and transparent must be hurting you very much. Continue fathering your kids as you try to explore the possibility of working out things with your wife.
Robert Ongeri Amima
Your wife's confession seems to be the cause of your current problems. She may have been struggling with guilt. She wanted to enjoy your marriage. Unless you have compelling reasons to suspect her, it's good to let the bygones be bygones. Forgive her and work on improving your marriage. You have two beautiful kids who need parenting from both of you.
John Wambugu via email.
I won't call it cheating but maybe she wanted to perceive or rather understand her body from a different perspective. Saying she's right I'd be biased but calling her a liar would be slander. I advise you to see a psychologist or therapist to get to the bottom of this.
Why are you fighting about what happened before you got married? If she went to visit other men and was still a virgin when you married her what is your problem? It means she had eyes only for you. If you don't have evidence, live in the present, stop dreaming about tomorrow. You've separated from her and the children just out of fear of what may happen in the future. Man, live today, the future belongs to GOD.
I think everyone has their side of the story. As you have said this happened before you married. Don't fear the unknown take her back and fight for your family.
Leave the baggage from the past. Turn a new page in your lives by forgiving each other and move forward together as a united family, otherwise, you will only continue being hurt.
Many marriages have had hiccups because of hidden packages—things that partners hide from each other for fear of the results. You need to know that everyone has a history, learn to accept and forgive for the sake of your marriage. Do not let your children suffer the effects of your fights. You mentioned that your relatives were against your union, I don't know what you wanted to insinuate. All said and done you need to work out and collect the broken pieces.
Rev. Geoffrey Avudiko.
Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:
In every relationship between a man and a woman, both parties have the right to honesty and faithfulness. It would be easier to leave her but here we are discussing the past. Most likely you still have feelings for her. If this is the case, then further punishing her or yourself is not necessary. If moving forward is a mutual option, then you must trust in her now without referring to the past. What is done is done. The question is, are you willing to give your relationship another chance and trust in a fruitful future? Humans make mistakes and may have a past that you do not agree with. If you still feel for her, you must forgive and move forward. But judging her as you attempt to establish a future for your family will be unproductive and a total waste of time.