Retrace your steps or retune your relationship?

Last week, as I was driving from Nairobi to Naivasha, I switched to a popular Christian radio station, but as I drove further and further away from Nairobi, the reception gradually got bad.

With time, the Christian station had been replaced by a different one. This got me thinking about how the original ‘song’ changes in relationships, not because we intended to change it, but because of the stage we are in, in life.

These are the lessons that I learnt from this chance experience.

First, we all have our preferred ‘stations’ in life just as we have favourite radio stations which we instinctively tune to whenever we have an opportunity.

These stations in life refer to how we like things to be; our comfort zones, our personality types, as well as our circumstances.

Second, change is inevitable as long as we remain on the journey. The changes will occur in us, our partners, circumstances and the relationship too. Some are as unexpected as they are undesirable, catching us by surprise, while some are expected and much easier to deal with.

In our partners, the changes can range from the mundane aspects, such as change in dressing to a complete shift in lifestyle, for instance sexual orientation.

Circumstances too change, like one losing a job or falling sick. Then there are expected changes that can be just as disruptive. For instance, we might have a lot of time together when dating or newly married, but when babies come along and responsibilities increase, this time decreases.

OPTIONS

Finally, we choose our responses to the inevitable change. In my experience with the changing radio stations, I could have taken several steps. First, though far-fetched, I could have turned back to Nairobi to keep listening to my favourite station.

I could also have called the radio station to find out how I could stay tuned in - that would have involved re-tuning the radio as I moved along. A third option, which I took, was to listen to the new station, to assess whether it met my needs or whether I needed to tune to another station. Another option would have been to switch off the radio altogether.

How we choose to respond to changes in ourselves, our partners and our relationships, determine the quality of the relationship. Turning back to Nairobi might have been ridiculous, but you will be surprised how many times we are tempted to turn back the clock to get back to our preferred stations.

For example, many very promising relationships have broken down because one or both partners are not ready to settle down in marriage, even though time dictates that they do.

Another common one is when a much older person convinces himself that he will be happier with a younger partner, rather than adapt to the changes in themselves and their partners.

I prefer the option of re-tuning, which means making the necessary changes needed to continue enjoying our lives. For instance, going to the gym to lose some much needed weight, and taking up your partner’s hobby to spend more time together with the intention of reviving your relationship.

Well, friends, life is a journey, and along that journey we will experience change. These changes may be unexpected, disruptive and undesirable, but our focus must remain on the journey if we are to make progress.

My challenge today is to carefully consider the changes and carefully choose a response that will ensure that we not only continue the journey together, but also continue to enjoy a fulfilling relationship.