I cheated, she moved out, and now won’t come back home

Hello guys, I have been in marriage for three years now and we have one child. But since the baby was born we have had issues of trust between me and my wife. She started insulting me when I asked her about her ex-boyfriends. I decided to revenge by dating another woman but when my wife learnt about it she packed and stole money from the house that was meant for the completion of our house. I followed her to her brother’s home and we reconciled. She went back to school, and though I always provide she doesn't want to come home or for me to go to where she lives. She fights me when I go to where she lives but I don't fight back because I respect women a lot. I never enjoyed that motherly love so I always feel like she is a mother to me. She has used my love to her advantage and she always fights me. I don't know what to do. Kindly advise.

READER’S ADVICE

Though it’s not clear the source of your mistrust, you said it was after the birth of the baby and I deduce you doubted the child's paternity. One rule of thumb in a relationship is never to enquire about your lover's exes for if you do, we know you won't be expecting peace. You have exposed your vulnerability to her by expecting her to provide the motherly love you missed. Go for therapy to regain your self-esteem and male ego. Once healed, you'll decide whether to stick in a toxic relationship or move on.

W. Kagochi Kuira, Counselor, Nyeri

The revenge tactic that you used in the name of cheating never works. The two of you were at loggerheads and you worsened your situation by having an affair. Therefore, winning your wife's trust and reconciling is going to be a tough task but you have the option to sit her down in an environment that will not compromise her current comfort. If she really values your marriage, then I don’t think it will be difficult for her to commit. You can also consider involving a close family member to help you work the way forward. 

Juma Felix 

I don't know why you had to ask her about her exes after having your first child. These are the questions better asked before committing to a relationship. Secondly, you decided to jump from the frying pan to fire through revenge. From your narration, your wife has moved on. Be brave and show your prowess as a man. Wait for the breaking news and prepare to begin afresh.

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Mitume, Kitale

One probable cause of the drama is that both of you were not adequately prepared for the sanctity of marriage. You may correct this by starting afresh and going through the motions of getting married through traditional channels or the church. Engage both your families in this process as the seriousness dictates. Once you go through this, you are bound to have more commitment in the marriage. Properly marry your wife again. 

Drive Counseling Centre, Kitengela

EXPERT’S TAKE

From your story what stands out is that your union foundation was weak with little evaluation of functional compatibility. That explains the insecurities in your relationship. At this stage of your marriage, you seem to lack the important ingredient called friendship. That has led to the current breakdown in connection. Despite reconciling as you say, she may have moved on emotionally which explains her reluctance to keep your company. It would be futile to force a bond between you if that boat has sailed. It is time to ask her if she wants a separation so that you know where you both stand. Whatever happens, what matters most is the welfare of your child. This you should mutually agree on.

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

I married my wife back in 2016 and we were blessed with a daughter who is now six. Our relationship in marriage was good until it reached a point when we started having disagreements because of my alcoholism. We later separated last December but I took my daughter who is currently staying with my parents.

We have had several discussions about coming together again so that we can raise our daughter together but my parents are against it. I really love her since she was my first love and we married after dating for four years.

Please advise me. Isaac

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