Mr Survivor: With friends like these, who needs enemies?

By the end of the escapade, I knew that apart from Omosh, Mhesh and Shortman were behind the juicy stories in Happy Valley meant to poison Queen’s mind and heart.

If you have been with me in these missives, you will remember how Queen incited the future leaders to demand for Sunday afternoon family outings. To prove to Queen that I am a listening, caring and loving husband and father, I readily accepted the forced ritual despite the cost implications. Rather, I knew that the marital consequences of failing to accept would be more painful to my heart than to my pockets.

The Sunday afternoon family outings have been a real eye-opener to me. I am actually wondering why I had not seen the redeeming value of the family escapades. Most, if not all, my marital tribulations would have been avoided and our marriage would have been nirvanic all through.

After the future leaders are made busy in various games at Holiday Premier Hotel, we are left alone with Queen, a situation that rekindles memories of our honeymoon days, the last time Queen and I had a proper talking to each other. Since that golden time, what we have had is talking at each other dominated by Queen’s signature one-liner jabs.

This marital talking distance will soon become history, and consequently its close relative, marital Siberia, courtesy of the renewed Sunday honeymoon. You see, all our marital issues result from Queen’s suspicion that there is more than a business handshake between Mrembo, the able and successful proprietor of Happy Valley Resort, and me. As I have told you in my earlier missives, Happy Valley countryside is abundantly blessed with more than its fair share of rumour mills. Luckily, in Queen’s newly romantically hypnotised state, I have been able to know the idlers who have been poisoning Queen’s mind with juicy stories from their fertile imaginations.

“I wish you did not leave us for that bad woman. We would have been very far by now,” Queen said.

“Who is this woman that you keep talking about?” I asked.

“Mmmmm? What do you take me for? Why do you keep denying the presence of blood on your lips?” Queen asked.

This time, she was talking while facing me directly and smiling sheepishly. That was a sign that she was not at war, a rare state of mind in her.

“If you are talking about Mrembo, I have told you many times that she is just a business partner. And she is partly the reason I can afford to bring you people here,” I said.

“So, are you saying that you cannot afford to feed your family without her?” she asked.

“You know that I have always fed my family and I am now offering entertainment,” I said.

“Well, your friends say that woman is yours. I don’t know about that business part of it,” Queen said, laughing derisively.

“I have many friends and if anyone of them says Mrembo is mine, they are our enemy number one,” I said.

“How comes three of your friends say the same thing about you?”

“It is because they want to see our downfall,” I said.

“My dear, what would Omosh benefit from our downfall?” Queen asked.

By the end of the escapade, I knew that apart from Omosh, Mhesh and Shortman, who are my brothers at Happy Valley, were behind the juicy stories meant to poison Queen’s mind and heart. And because Queen is both beautiful and industrious, I am highly suspicious of their nefarious intentions.

I reminded Queen of my contribution in her campaigns which made her beat Mhesh’s wife. “He has never forgiven us since you defeated his wife in the chama elections,” I told her.

As for the Shortman, apart from his inferiority complex due to his height, which earned him the name Shortman, he has nothing else to show as a man. He is a mfugo to his wife. When his wife sneezes, he catches a cold. 

Now, I have no problem with Mhesh and Shortman because I know our history with them. But I have a problem with Omosh, who I can actually say has been killing the goose that lays his golden eggs. It was even so painful to me that he has been trying to bring my marriage down yet I have been protecting him by keeping his liaisons with Makena, our palace manager, secret from Queen and his wife who have always enquired about their closeness. I am actually going to withdraw my protection and see who loses.

And from the great revelations of the past two Sunday afternoons, I require no more enemies seeing that Omosh and company have been my friends. And because I intend to continue financing the Sunday escapades, I shall soon bring my enemies of marital bliss to shame. Shetani ashindwe! Tena kabisa!

Wainaina Karanja lives in Nyandarua County. He is a teacher of English and writes stories to portray the reality of countryside life in Kenya as well as offer entertainment. [email protected]