Mr Survivor: Banished to Siberia! How Makena caused a marital tsunami at the palace

I was banished to marital Siberia there and then and I don’t know for how long the punishment shall last.

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If my memory serves me right, and I have no reason to doubt it, I remember telling you in an earlier missive under the title, Why I relish the ‘secret’ drama queen battles in the palace, how Makena, our long serving CPA (comptroller of palace affairs) is a drama queen par excellence. I told you that she looks for the slightest opportunity to be melodramatic, all in an effort to bruise Queen’s heart.

Now, you will remember how I extended my marital bonga points by spoiling my family with a rendezvous at the Premier Holiday Hotel. To crown it all, we passed by Wa Joy Women’s Wear and spoiled Queen and the boys with the latest fashion in Happy Valley. For the last one week, my family has been the source of both envy and jealousy in the breadth and width of Happy Valley countryside.

Now, although Makena has always been welcome to go with us, she has mostly given one excuse or other not to attend. The truth of the matter is that Sunday is her only free day to meet Omosh. Now, this is a secret I have kept from Queen. Going by her near fanatical religious standpoints, Queen would blow the lid on the affair. This would greatly jeopardise the security of the boys and the mechanical health of my Volkswagen. And for covering up for the two, I reap maximum benefits from both Makena and Omosh.

Now, seeing that Makena is an adult and she has eyes that are not meant for decoration and a normal brain that thinks hard, my compassionate heart and considerate mind went out to her. This was an opportunity to thank her for having taken care of me by preserving food for me when Queen has hit the roof. But knowing Queen’s high voltage sensitivity and erratic temperament, such a good intentioned act of generosity would certainly blow out into a grandmother of all palace wars.

I called myself to a small meeting and decided to appreciate Makena for having been a great auntie to the future leaders and also for sympathising with me in times when Queen has banished me to marital Siberia. At that point of awakening, I decided to ensure the safety of the future leaders by secretly ‘surprising’ Makena with ‘imported clothes’. I was ready to breastfeed whatever would be born out of my well intentioned gesture. I connected Makena with Ol’kalou Sunshine Boutique, my online wardrobe manager, and they exchanged WhatsApp photos of dresses. At the end of the ‘shopping’, I paid handsomely for a trendy dress, whose type escapes my mind, and a matching poncho. I secretly delivered the surprise the following evening and waited for the outbreak of the third world war.

As I had expected, Makena swung into action with careless abandon. She wore the dress and the poncho and cat-walked across the sitting room like a peacock.

Unakaa smart sana” said the future leaders in unison, and they went to touch the new arrivals with their innocent appreciation.

Heee, Makena! That dress is so short!” said Queen. That was the moment Makena was waiting for. Instead of explaining the shortness of the dress, she looked at me in a manner of saying that I was responsible. Then she dropped the bombshell, “Shida ni nguo ama ni yule alinunua?”

Kwani ni nani alinunua? Queen shouted. Once again, Makena looked at me then went about her business as if nothing had happened.

The world below where I sat threatened to cave in. Queen shot one murderous look at me and said almost in a whisper, “Yani hii nyumba tuko wengi?” With that, she left for the bedroom in a huff.

Those were her last words. I do not know her next course of action but if her attachment to her Slopes Supermarket is anything to go by, she is at the palace to remain. And as you might have guessed by now, I was banished to marital Siberia there and then and I don’t know for how long the punishment shall last. But one thing I know is that the future leaders are safe.

But for the avoidance of any doubt, I want to say the truth and nothing but the truth: I have only one dear wife, my dear Queen. I only appreciated Makena because of the security of our boys. An agitated domestic manager is a great threat to the health and security of all of us in the palace. And I am ready to shoulder the consequences of my good intentions.

Wainaina Karanja lives in Nyandarua County. He is a teacher of English and writes stories to portray the reality of countryside life in Kenya as well as offer entertainment. [email protected]