MR SURVIVOR: Queen outsmarts me, uses my cunning ways to boost her Supermarket

I am guilty of having vicariously recruited Queen into ‘clean money laundering’ business.

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Desperate times call for desperate measures, so street wisdom has it. And that street wisdom is what Queen has been using in the New Year in her efforts to boost the returns of her Supermarket. In that regard, she is now using ‘clean money laundering’, her religious inclinations notwithstanding.

A little confession at this juncture is in order. I am guilty of having vicariously recruited Queen into ‘clean money laundering’ business. This is how it happened. As you all well know, my Queen is the super chairlady of the various chamas in Happy Valley. As the most learned, travelled and most successful businesswoman in Happy Valley countryside, she is entrusted with the task of depositing the chamas money in their bank in town. Unknown to them, Queen has been sending me to bank the money. She pockets the travelling, lunch, and disturbance allowance that she is given.

Now, yours truly is vastly qualified and certified in the field of the psychology of women in general and Queen in particular. Using that vast knowledge, I am very certain that women do not bother to read documents keenly. Queen and the other women have never raised the issue of the discrepancy between the date the money is given and the date which it is actually deposited.

Tell me, if you were in my shoes, what would you have done? And don’t lie.

Being the survivor that I am, I am able to spot an opportunity from miles away. I have therefore been trading with Queen’s money up to the eve of the subsequent chama meeting, a period of exactly one month.

I have been lending the money to Mrembo, yes, your guess is right, and Sycamore, the butcher and proprietor of Aberdare Butchery, at the friendly and affordable ten percent interest rate on weekly basis. With three different chamas that Queen keeps money for, my shylock business has been booming. But being the true warm blooded African-Kenyan man that I am, Mrembo and Sycamore have never known where I get the ready money from.

“This taxi business must be very lucrative. You give unguaranteed loans and at a lower interest rate than Mwangi Wa Equity,” Mrembo has been telling me. “You know that no other car competes with my Concorde at this Aberdare’s rough terrain. That is my selling and winning point,” I proudly say.

“You drive a very old car yet you are the Sonko of Happy Valley,” Sycamore has been wondering.

“You do not play with all your cards on the table. You hide some. Some people have evil eyes,” I have been telling him.

But since the start of this year, which is now one month old, I have not received any money to deposit. This alarmed me because Njaa-nuary is the month I make more lending. I was also expecting to use the same money as seed capital for my planned revival of the kienyeji eggs and hens business.

“You know it is very risky to keep money in the house,” I told Queen on Friday.

“Why do you ask?” she asked me.

“Because it is now almost one whole month and you have not given me the money to bank for you,” I said.

“Oo-ooo-ooh! That is what you have been waiting for? I saw you from ‘eighteen’. Mjingaakierefuka, mwerefu huwa mashakani!” Queen said.

“What is the meaning of that?” I asked.

“I mean that I am no longer the fool that you take me for. I can also trade with the chama money before banking it. And that reminds me that you are taking me for shopping tomorrow.” I did not comment.

It was then that it occurred to me that as I was holding a meeting with myself at Happy Valley to plan on my financial revival, Queen was also holding hers. It must have been in her meeting that she came up with the idea of using clean money laundering to boost the stock of her Supermarket. To make matters worse for me, I had removed her from getting the eggs and hens for me.

And that is why I spent the whole of Saturday running shopping errands for Queen. I actually made six Concorde full trips. Her Supermarket was observably restocked and I can see her regaining her lost glory in the list of mwanamke bomba.

I am actually telling you that my very bright plan of reviving the kienyeji eggs and hens is yet to kick off. If you can remember, I used the hustler fund to successfully revive Queen’s Supermarket. I have no choice but to use the same, which is now enhanced, to revive my own business. So, come my phone, come!

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