MR SURVIVOR: My bottoms-up plan for economic revival

Financial plan

I dully called Queen to a meeting to inform her about the economic models so that she could adjust accordingly. Of course, I am expecting a lot of resistance from Queen.

Photo credit: Fotosearch

When Njaa-nuary threw me into a financial quagmire that resulted to my suspension to marital Siberia, I had to act; and act fast. I had to ensure that I came up with an economic revival programme that would be acceptable in Queen’s critical eyes.

So, when the president took his entire government to a retreat at a fire-star hotel in Nanyuki to plan the way forward for all of us, I also retreated to Mumbi House at Happy Valley for a personal planning. The ‘David Ndii’ in me came up with four economic pillars for my financial revival.


Frugality

This pillar is meant to cut down on financial wastage. First on the chopping board are the extravagant family outings to high-end hotels. Kichakani Paradise Resort will be replaced by the modest Aberdare Gardens, which is not only cheap but also nearer in distance, hence saving on fuel. The frequency of the outings will come down from weekly to monthly, and specifically in the middle of the month when prices of food are lower.

You will remember that meat, which is my sole responsibility, was the source of the current incommunicado status at the Palace. Now, for the sake of peace, the quality of meat will be scaled up from intestines of a bull to beef steak. However, the quantity will be scaled down from a kilogramme to half a kilogramme. The frequency will also drop from three times a week to twice a week, excluding Sundays.

I shall be silently talking to Makena, our Palace manager, to do something with the rations. The ratio of water to meat should be four is to one and that of greens to meat should be five is to one. Being at the foot of the Aberdare Mountains, water and greens of all types, wild and domesticated, are in oversupply at Happy Valley.

Queen’s weekly ration of Del Monte mango juice has been withdrawn. Instead, the family will be sharing a packet of the same during the monthly family outing. That way, everyone in the family shares the fruits of freedom.


Diversification

I intend to focus more on production as opposed to consumption. Under this pillar, my Concorde is to be put to maximum use. It makes no economic sense to drive to town carrying nothing. Going forward, I am reviving the kienyenji chicken and eggs business. Last year, Queen sabotaged the business by inflating the price of eggs and chicken. Moving forward, I shall do away with the cartels, nay, Queen, by getting the eggs and chicken directly from the farmers.


Human resource management

I have been giving Omosh a monthly salary on permanent basis even when the business is low. Going forward, the terms will change to quid pro quo. This means that I shall be paying him for services rendered. I shall be paying per trip. By doing this, Omosh will likely be very active in looking for customers.


Efficient machine management

Concorde will not be fuelling on full-tank basis but on trip mileage basis. This will tame Omosh, who was used to making unaccountable trips whose profits did not reach me.

There will be no vote head for car wash. I have already inducted Makena and the future leaders to be washing the car at the Palace. There is plenty of free water. Of course, I will be giving her something small, but that is a highly secretive arrangement between me and her. That should save me half the cost of washing Concorde.

Now, I dully called Queen to a meeting to inform her about the economic models so that she could adjust accordingly.

“You can do as you wish. This will not be the first time you will be abandoning us for those dirty women of yours at that evil valley,” she said.

I also called Omosh to a meeting over the same, and he was surprisingly very receptive. “Tutafanya kazi tu boss. Mimi naelewa maisha ni magumusana.”

Makena was equally receptive, saying, “That should have started like yesterday. You will see the difference.”

And that is my marshal plan that will propel me into economic recovery. Of course, I am expecting a lot of resistance from Queen who was behind the Palace capture. I will keep telling her that there is no going back on the programme. I am very sure that when the state of my finances improves, she will change her rebellious attitude. From where I sit, I can assure you that I have started my journey to marital nirvana. Watch this space.

***
Do you have feedback on this article? Please e-mail: [email protected]

Welcome!

You're all set to enjoy unlimited Prime content.