How cold and uncomfortable this bed has become!

This explains it. These conflicting thoughts and emotions. They explain why some brothers do bad. I don’t justify their badness: but I feel them.

Previously, I harshly judged men who, from my point of view, were getting it all twisted. Now that I’m trudging in these uncomfortable clogs, I realise that post-separation is a time fraught with judgmental errors. 

There are many unwritten rules bandied about sex during separation. Some brothers cheat to get back at their spouse; for real or perceived offences. It’s like they are on default setting. FYI: I’m not. But I’m not Mr. Perfect, either.

Talking point 

At such a time as this, talk ain’t cheap. Still, it also matters who I’m talking to. Having one real friend who really gets it, makes a ton of a difference. As that super-quartet sings in Best Man, a brother can “help me be the best man I can be”.  

“Man, I made that blunder and, roughly nine seconds after the deed, regret kicked in,” Real Bud, (who’s got the T-shirt), counseled me; adding that “post-separation flings” only further compound an already complicated situation.

Temptations

One thing I’m constantly overcoming is temptation. Overcoming means I have those days. And nights. L-o-n-g ones.  

Bible scholars opine that, because of his conversion from Judaism to Christianity, Apostle Paul’s wife separated from him. That was Judeo-legal ground for annulment. Yet Paul still dishes real sex talk in 1 Corinthians 7:5 (AMP): “But afterwards resume marital relations, lest Satan tempt you (to sin) through your lack of restraint of sexual desire.”

Obviously, context is king. In the above verse, a hot topic precedes, “But …”. Which is another sermon for another preacher.

“Lack of restraint.” That’s the operative principle. Why lie, it’s going to take me a while to get used to the status quo. But. With “restraint of sexual desire” – not denial – I can overcome temptations.

Learning curves

With a Smartphone, and all the freedom in the crib, chicks – and cheating – are at separated brothers’ fingertips.

Which brings me to my first learning curve: think twice. Whether no human’s watching, or heaven’s all eyes. As a man thinketh? So. Is. He.

If you used to get some, and now – because of separation – this only happens in your dreams, it throws another learning curve: inner-strength.

Personally, I’m learning how strong or weak I am. I am learning that, if I can conquer this sucker, I can conquer almost anything.  

Plus, I’m learning that, though the silence is deafening, I’m not alone. There are oodles of brothers shuffling on this Bridge of Sighs. 

Blurred lines 

I’m stumped, because these weren’t in the vows …

Can a couple get intimate while still trying to resolve their issues? Or do they wait till they’ve got back their groove? How can a couple compartmentalise love-making, so as not to get emotions/issues entangled?

Can a … okay, I’ll stop there. For now.  

One thing Tenderoni and I are not going to do is use sex as the solution. To get intimate, and ignore the problems will slap us with a life sentence of walking on eggshells. Because?

The cinders are still there, waiting for spontaneous combustion to, who knows, burn down the whole house. 

We have resolved – at least it’s unspoken – to draw a line between the bedroom and living room. We don’t want to blur these lines. Tenderoni and I have issues to solve.

They will take more than resumption of marital relations. They’ll involve making serious choices; not just making sweet love. Resolution entails making sense out of the drama; not making out and fooling ourselves that things will turn out right. It’s a long road ahead before we cross that line. 

For couples with serious issues, I suppose sex ought to be the icing, after dénouement.  I’ve heard of couples who start out fighting and, take two, one thing leads to another.

Wait a minute. I’ve also used that fight-then-get-intimate-like-there’s-no-tomorrow ploy … in a spec script I’m rewriting.

Counting costs

Under the circumstances, making the biggest mistake of my life is easy. All because of one fling, which carries lifelong repercussions. Sin against God and self. Heartaches. Diseases. Soul ties. Regrets. Judgment. And then some.   

Bottom line is; couples may separate, but fidelity never takes as much as a coffee break. Which is why I have to count the costs.

What are my values? Will it be easy virtue or “virtues-virtues”? Where does that leave my relationships?

With Christ. And Tenderoni. Besides, as someone once asserted, I can’t get ahead while I’m trying to get some… sorry, even.