DAD STORIES: Growing up fatherless taught me how to be a good one

I always thought growing up without a father was a disadvantage (and I am sure there are many disadvantages to it) but I am also very sure I would not be the man and father I am today if I had been brought up any differently.

My father died when I was 11 years old. Baba’s brother died when I was 16. My grandfather, the only father figure for me and my younger sister, left for the US when we were still in primary school. My mother, too, moved to the US when we were little so my cucu, Agnes Kanyi, became our father and mother. And she did a spectacular job.

My journey as a father has been one of deliberate discovery, trial, errors and a fair amount of success. And I love the journey of discovery.  

NOT READY FOR A BABY

Kena (my daughter) was born when I was still trying to figure out who I was as a man after hitting rock bottom hard (story for another day).

My girlfriend and I had frequently discussed the possibility of being parents but we definitely didn’t plan to have a baby amidst everything that was going on in our lives at that time.  

I remember the terror and excitement that took me over when Eva, my girlfriend, told me she suspected she was pregnant. On one hand the thought of a baby with Eva was a long-term fascination of mine and on the other the conditions were not what I had hoped they would be when we got pregnant. I was not ready…or so I thought.

CALLED OUT MY MANHOOD

The day Kena was born was but one in a string of days that literally called out my manhood. What was supposed to be a normal delivery quickly evolved into an emergency C-section and with that development the hospital bill went from challenging to mind-numbing. After the nerve-racking delivery, both mother and baby were fine…thank God! But Kena developed some jaundice, which necessitated a longer stay at the hospital. By the end of the 10-day hospital stay, the bill had hit a staggering Sh400,000. I barely had a quarter of that amount. I had a small job that paid me Sh30,000 a month and Eva was still jobless. We had been able to put together the amount required for a normal delivery.

I remember being scared the day after the baby was born, when I realised that I was completely responsible for these two people. After a series of miracles (some old debtors and some support from family came through) I was able to take my slightly bigger family home.

TEARS IN MY EYES

I remember holding the baby in my arms and with tears in my eyes, I swore to myself and to the most beautiful baby I had ever seen that I would do whatever it took to be the best father I could possibly be.

That was three years ago, and nothing has been the same since. Everyday I have allowed my love for my child to guide my thoughts, movement and decisions. I always ask myself, “How will this affect Kena now and down the road?” You will be surprised by how effective that simple question is in the planning of my life and that of my family.

I may not be the best father in the world, but I definitely aspire and strive to be the best father for my child. Being a father is without a doubt my life’s highest calling and I am humbled and inspired by the calling everyday. That little girl gives me courage.

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