Who will teach our youth that the answer to infidelity is not violence? 

Dear Bishop Kitoto,

Lately, I have been deeply concerned about the TV shows our youth (19 to 27 years) are exposed to. In one particular show, there is a lot of violence when parties disagree. And usually, there are no bouncers or security officers to help sort the violence.

I’m worried that the violence happens in the shows each time there is a disagreement, and it’s teaching our youth the wrong way of handling a crisis. We have a society that glorifies violence as a way of resolving issues. 

Our politicians and church leaders also don’t positively influence our youth. I wrote a letter of complaint to the Kenya Film Classification Board (KFCB), asking that the parts which show violence be cut off the show. We need to help young people address adultery in relationships.

Violence is not the answer. I say this with humility since I have dealt with infidelity in my marriage. They probably need to be helped to understand that it is not a matter of life and death.

Thank you

Hi,

Your observations are well taken. In fact, sadly, this is where our current generation is at. Inculcation of values in our children, youth, and children is one way to build honourable character. Behaviour and choices our teens and youth acquire is dictated in how they were raised or what they were exposed to. This tends to govern the inner convictions and values that they hold.

Therefore, the negative behaviour patterns we see from them is partly the result of poor preparation or negative exposure, which their parents modelled or were ignorant of. Other factors like peer pressure, desire for adventure, and many more add to these influencing forces.

When one looks at any teen or a youth years after, we get to see years of preparation that have gone into their upbringing or lack of it. Truth be said, once conditioned this way or enticed by these forces, the youngster can be influenced to choose to do anything good or bad. Some of these decisions could be out of a compelling force inside that they have no control over in the moment. When you add the number of addictive or leisure drugs that are so easily available to them, the picture could turn ugly. 

As you have realised, there is a need to help our children and youth learn ways of handling conflict. How then do we handle this emerging generation? First, as I mentioned earlier, parents should have a clear way or game plan on how their children who are under 12 will be parented or handled as they navigate this stage.

In the beginning we did a good job of teaching and disciplining them. It is easier to coach them in their teens, and youth and change is even easier. If we missed out on doing the needful at a young age, then re-strategising and, where possible getting eternal help from counsellors could help turn the youth around. 

Second, building a parent-child friendship is key. How can fathers have healthy and productive relationships with their girl child and the same with mothers with their boys? This will help parents engage them from a different and needed angle.

This must be complemented by the establishment of a healthy home environment where issues can be discussed without the child feeling threatened. This does not mean relaxing on expectations. However, being a good friend and providing the home as a safe place of refuge will cause the teen or youth to run there for help in times of crisis. 

In our relationship with our children, empathy is a word we rarely embrace, particularly when counselling or disciplining our children. Empathy demands that one puts himself in the child's shoes as they seek to understand the core issues that are troubling them. When you have done this, move the child slowly to begin to see how they departed and the consequences that followed. It is only after this that corrective measures can be implemented, including any form of punishment.

Punishing a child who has not seen or acknowledged their folly could be counterproductive. Because the end game of correction is punishment and that they desire to be helped out of their pit. Of course, this is not easy. It requires us to invest time and rebuild trust so that meaningful conversations can happen, followed by confessions and disclosures.

We have to accept that the absence of true fellowship will cause a disconnect between a parent and child. We can’t be absent most of the time and expect that we will put our foot down and all will be well. Many have been disappointed and missed the opportunity to rebuild fellowship and trust that are the bedrock of decent conversations in families. Whether the government can have the ability to sensor all the productions online and control social media is challenging. 

Helping and walking with our children in making responsible choices is key. The word of God is not far from such sentiments. We are encouraged to train up a child in the way they should go, and when they are old, they will not depart. The silly or even gross things they do may help up know how to help and engage them. Let’s choose to strike a friendship with our children of all ages. When we do, and they seemingly take the wrong path, most times they will remember the mother and father’s counsel, and some actually turn back.

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