My wife left me for an older man and took our son with her

Hi Kitoto,

I love your column. I was married to a Luhya woman for six years, but she went back to her home on the pretense that she had found work there last year. She ended up getting into a relationship with a much older man. He was wealthy. I did everything to make her comfortable, but that was not enough for her. I called her to the children’s office to talk, but she did not come. What should I do? I love my son. Should I go to court? Please help.

Hi,

Thank you for loving this column. We and our readers seek to find meaning in what makes today’s relationships make sense. In relationships, what brings two people together is not necessarily what keeps them together. Most of today’s problems in relationships arise from this disconnect. 

When partners fail to move their relationship from the euphoria and elementary non-core issues, they may remain babies in old bodies. I hope that your game plan was to establish your marriage on a lasting foundation. However, I see a woman whose foundation was not grounded.

Additionally, unmet expectations in relationships that end up unresolved and buried for a period can cause a disconnect and crack the relationship over time. If a spouse watches keenly, one could detect certain departures from the norm.

In other instances, personal issues arising from one’s unmet expectations or desires in life could lead them on a self-searching journey. Your wife, for example, could have felt empty and unproductive for being unemployed. Six years in marriage is a lot. I am surprised that you did not notice and that she did not share. Finding a job away from where you are could have been coincidental or planned.

If you had unresolved issues or felt under pressure from you or within, she could have seen this as an opportunity to be away. One can only speculate. However, a spouse does not just walk away from her matrimonial home without reason and engage in another relationship. Let me also be quick to state that she may have not planned anything but got mixed up by the wrong company while away from you.

Your son is the best thing that happened to both of you. Right before your eyes is a gift from your union that is greatly treasured. The source of your frustration comes from the fact that your wife has denied you the right to be part of this gift.

That said, it could just be that, since your wife has chosen to be with someone else, you need to re-strategise. Your son is part of an equation that needs resolution. Since you called her to the children’s department office, two possibilities arise. First, seek advice from them if another path exists to resolve the matter. 

Second, have a preliminary discussion with your lawyer to see how you can get partial rights to the child. Remember, taking the issue through the courts has its advantages and disadvantages. You aim to reach an understanding that does not turn both of you into enemies.

The two of you already have developed bad blood. It is essential to think about your child’s nurturing environment. The idea is to keep your son motivated and optimistic about life. Children's decreased attention and motivation could be blamed for high rates of low performance.

 In addition, avoid chances of your negative feelings rubbing onto your child. Some children can be affected by the situation at home that could arise from their parents’ relationship. The sense of loss could lead to high anxiety and aggression. Therefore, look for an amicable way of resolving your issues.

 You need to be in a place where if she refuses to accept her mother’s new relationship, you could provide him with a future with you.

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